Who Wants to Date a Baby Daddy?

December 6, 2010  |  

A few months ago, Anslem Samuel wrote a post about how black men view dating single mothers. While I sympathize with the plight of single mothers, I totally understood his perspective. I mean, who wants to date a baby daddy? Some man who knocked up a woman he had no intention of marrying, who’s likely still angry and bitter.  A married man has children. A baby daddy got kids. The terms married and children are endearing and baby daddy plus kid equals baggage.

Men typically don’t have primary custody, so it’s usually not the stringent schedule that sucks. Their baggage comes in the form of a woman scorned and shared experiences. Dating a baby daddy is a package deal in which you get him, the mama and the kid. It never fails that the baby mama, at some point, wanted him to marry her or at least stay in the relationship. I can only imagine what it feels like to get pregnant and left and all of the female emotions and child-pawning is just too much. No one wants to deal with some crazy, jealous woman taking her frustrations out on her baby daddy’s new girlfriend.

Then, you have the child. Though she is not your responsibility, she is his. Thus, his responsibilities and obligations have a place in your relationship. You’re signing up to play house with someone else’s kid. And, should you ever want to get married, you and your husband could not share the “first child experience” and all that comes with it. Most of us want to get as close to the fairytale as we can, but I am not sure how magical it is to have a walking, talking remnant of your man’s past relationship.

Let’s not forget the legalities of paying child support. Even men who have virtually no money get stuck paying more than they should. Do you really want a man that has to support another household? It takes away from the sanctity of monogamy and/or marriage. In a sense, you and the baby mama are sharing. Seriously, who’s jumping all over that?

Being a baby daddy also speaks about a man’s character. Call it a mistake; call it a consequence, their child is a reflection of their sins. Getting a girl pregnant that you don’t want to marry is often a result of promiscuity. Not to say people can’t change, but I would wonder how well he fairs with monogamy—and, his views on family.

For those of us with no kids, who have worked hard not to be baby mamas, baby daddies are not top picks. It’s hard enough to get to know someone and even harder with two middlemen. Although it can work out given the right conditions, I’d make a different move

In the next life, would I date a baby daddy? No, thank you.

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  • Keziri

    It’s NOT selfish. What is SELFISH is all the babymomma/daddies out here gettin’ mad because you don’t want to be 3rd in line when they already had their chance to be 1st and for whatever reason it is that it didn’t work out for them, now they have baggage and anyone who managed to avoid bringing the same type of baggage into a relationship is suddenly selfish for avoiding them.

  • stepmetalmommy

    I cannot agree with this at all I was a single mother who essentially had a baby daddy who was worthless never paid child support yada yada yada not all cases are the same! My fiancee has a baby mama and a super crazy one at that that he tried to marry and do right by but she wasn’t having it she left him at twO months pregnant of her own decision And HE fought to keep her she wanted nothing to do with him becausE She wanted another man who was taken she settled for my fiancee used him to get pregnant and left thinking he would just give up and disappear and the guy who was happily engaged with no kids was gonna fall into her arms causE she was “alone”and pregnant she even named my finances son the name she and the other guy had picked out when they dated… And this chick is white so it has nothing to do with race

  • Anthony

    This arrticle is rude and obnoxious. What an unfair bias representation of single fathers. I have full custody of my daughter, a high paying job and a wonderful relationship with my ex wife.Dont assume a man with kids is not a father simply because he has divorced the mother. I have sacrificed a lot for my daughter and its unfortunate that some of the less evolved women need to bash single fathers.

  • Skates49

     Sure he marry because of pressure and shotgun but…he would still play around make more babies and bring them home to his wife.And expect for her to raise them and if she didn’t cooperate expect expetives and bodily harm.

  • Nina

    what if u marry a guy have a baby, build a family, then find out that he has another child from prevoius relationships( one night stand in my husbands case). i found money order receipt in the closet… im so lost

    • Skates49

      divorce is the answer…what else is he  hiding in the closet. Now you know where the money is going.. you just may have to help with all the bills if your working. Things you wanted to buy and couldn’t afford!

  • missj415

    Nice article, but some of these women can destroy a man. For instance, my boyfriend has a daughter and the child's mother CHEATED, because she wanted marriage right away. Kids or no kids, thats not a easy step for any man. He had all intentions on making her a Mrs., but she decided to take matters in her own hands, but the grass wasn't as green as she thought. So now, she has egg on the face when we pick up the little one. Futhermore, it doesn't have to be drama. Yes, the child will be a part of your relationship, but a real man will handle any drama that may arises…..

  • Regina

    I have 2 kids and this is my 2nd marriage. Baggage? I don’t think so because there’s no daddy drama. We get along great and if there are any issues it strictly relates to the children and the men get on fine . My Ex-husband had no kids and all but adopted them..it was GREAT!!(But he was a chronic cheater) My husband has 2 children. One lives in another country and he’s a great kid thankfully no mama drama. The child that lives near us??!!! I was ready to leave my husband because of the drama with his ex-wife. Initially the child took awhile to warm up to me but now we get on fine, (although I still get anxious when I know she’s coming or I find her there when I get home from a long day at work)…as long as my husband is not home. He waits till he’s angry with her ‘busy body’ personality before he disciplines her and she has almost no respect for him ie if he tells her to get a bath, her response is,” you go get a bath!” She’s 9! She basically talks him the same his ex does. Of course the ex hates my guts! Can’t say that I’m fond of her either and I can’t wait for the day the day that I get the opportunity to rip her a new a$#hole(verbally) maybe that’s the reason my husband only insists on cellphones…(we don’t have a housephone)of course he says that’s an extra bill. At any rate, if I had to do it all again, I probably would date him again but not marry only because of the drama. (Which in all fairness has settled a bit because the child hasn’t been over in a while) her mothers’ choice. And sorry to say my house is generally peaceful when she’s not here, or when she is and her dad isn’t.

  • Laila

    Life isn’t without baggage and everyone has their preference. When I was younger with no children I didn’t want them cutting into my time either….but I dated a couple and it was a learning experience. Kids come first…in any relationship…marriage included. They may love their spouse but you best believe those kids are #1 priority…whether they are between them or before they came one. If it’s not for u, good. But it’s not always about drama which you can have with OR without kids. It doesn’t take having a child with someone to make them crazy as hell…

  • cjp

    you know i am married now and he has two "kids" with another woman. yes they were married but the crazy part is he still calls his stepdaughter his daughter because when they got married she was a baby and he the only father she knows. now theres me with no kids and we fight about the fact that i want kids and he wants to wait! don't even get me started on the drama with hi exwife now that she is divorced again. him n here are now friends on facebook! welcome to real drama!! if i had to do it all over again i wouldnt have done this at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Skates49

      there is such a thing as divorce! that is grounds for it do not want a family with you.Hope he haven’t taken an out of town vacation!!!

  • yvonne jones-myers

    What ever happen to love me, love my child….no matter how they got here…they are here. No one is perfect, live and let live! we do not chose who we are going to end up with….but I can tell you this…I love my step-sons with all my heart…Don't care what their mother thinks of it! It just comes down to how much you are willing to deal with!

  • Jennelle

    I was once that girl that REFUSED to date any man with children but ironically I found myself in love with a man that has 4kids! Yes I said 4kids w/ 2 babymamma might I add but. It just happened this man shows & tells me everyfay he will not takr another bm that he MUST be married! He never fronted from day one that he wasn’t an angel & the blame was on both! but I am 26yrs old he is 9 yrs my senior & I constantly deal with mainly the one baby momma whom still has ill feelings twards him & why they’re not together etc she always has something to say about me yet always claims I’m the “young girl” & she’s 30! When I accepted him I accepted all that came with him therefore I love,adore & do for his daughter bc I love her! (She’s 2 1/2) but I find it crazy that due to her own issues she doesn’t allow him to see his child this time for 3mths ! I speaking on the end of the new woman I wasn’t there when whatever happened with yall therefore don’t have ill feelings for me and exspect me to sit & take it further more I understand not just allowing any random female in your childs life but with all the people trying to harm kids now a days have respect for this that genuiley care. About their well being better for them!

  • poorus

    Black men are an embarassment to the black race. Black women should stop having those kids and abort them. He won’t change and be responsible once the child is born. Wake up and accept the truth. White men have shown us what power and responsibility and taking care of women means. Black men have done nothing but embarassed themselves globally. They are nothing more than 40 year old rappers making fools of themselves owning nothing and living homosexual bisexual criminal deceiving ignorant wanna be house nicca lives. That is all. Stop having their babies. Its a waste of money!!!!

  • Common Sense

    Yes, Insecure, ignorant women who have nothing going for themselves except they got a hole! A hole that the entire neighborhood has been in that slap hole!

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  • B

    I don't understand why people see it's a punishment to choose not to date a man or a woman who's already a parent.

    It's a personal choice, and no one should be blamed for their romantic choices.

    To me it's honest to admit that you know you wont love someone else's child. At least you dont start the relationship and the children don't suffer of the step parent resentment.

  • S

    Wow. This article is very stereotypical and judgemental at its finest. I can't believe the level of ignorance on this piece. Why do you assume that baby daddies or baby mamas come with drama, etc? That's an assumption. I was married to a man with two kids and we never had baby mama drama or anything like that. I don't have any kids and I didn't mind being a step mother to my step kids. I don't see anything wrong with dating a man with kids, as long as he takes care of his kids then it's cool with me. Look, this is life. Life happens, people make mistakes, or relationships just don't go the way you plan it sometimes and some people break up with someone they had a child with. So these people should be punished for life for this? I don't think so.

  • justkeLLz

    as a "baby mama" i agree with the author's points to some degree. that's why I feel people with kids should date people with kids, and vice versa. the dynamics of having a kid with someone you're not in a relationship with is usually something people without kids don't understand.however i feel like the author was being really cold and judgemental……who calls having a child a reflection of sin? we all make mistakes but to judge me (or a man) as being overall irresponsible for having a kid out of wedlock is over the line. i could've had an abortion and took the easy way out, but i decided to take RESPONSIBILITY for my actions and raise my child. second, how could you say you'd never love another woman's child? definitely not the same as your own, but you're saying you won't even give them the chance because its a "reminder of his past relationship"? children are innocent and did not ask to be here, and cannot help who their mother is…..you're gonna hold that against them? shame on you.

  • Audrey

    @Monique I had 2 say this…stay away from our children's father….geesh now that statement shows u are never going to let go of the fact you HAD

  • KJW

    I am in a sticky situation similar to this. I am in love with and have a 3 month old son with a man who is very good to me and a great father. But about 1 week before my baby was born I found out that he has a "maybe baby" via facebook. This really hurt me that he chose to hide this from me. He tells me that he doesnt believe the child is his, and the woman is now married with 3 more children and her husband believes he is the father. But recently I found out that the woman keeps in contact with his mother and sister and it appears to me that they accept the child as his. Sense the fight we obviously got into, he told the woman that he doesnt believe the child is his and not to contact him or his family. He says I shouldnt be worried about it because that happened before we were together and he doesnt want to talk about it any more. I still feel a little upset but I'm not sure if theres really anything I can do about it.

    • Skates49

      HE kept it a secret about a hidden child. What other secrets and lies are undercover? Plus him and this other woman are schemers..to have her husband thinking this is his child they need a (DNA) Of course boyfriend will not agree to tha!!. Did he really contact this woman…or he have you hoodwinked. Get on with your life and feed the liar with a long handled spoon. And get your child support, don’t let him talk you out of that. ” Jerry Springer” mess

  • shamieshay

    I can understand why some women choose not to date someone with a kids. Some women choose that because they have yet to have a child and want to have that experience of having their first child with someone has not gone through that experience. or choose not to go through the whole baby momma drama and having to deal with another female. with those point said i have to agree on the reason why i would rather have a man with no kids. but i can say that once a man tells me he a child i cannot judge him because of his past.( things happen) as long as he taking care of his child i don't mind dating men in that case. but that is to a certain degree. (3 and 4 kids different and different baby mommas i cant do it). but women should not shut a man down because they have a kid. i believe that is unfair to our good men who just been in messed up situations.

  • B

    I don't feel like it's ok when you're child free to be with a single parent.

    I know i might hurt some ppl feelings but not everyone wants a ready made family.

    And being able to experience the first child together is a valid point.

    I don't want to be with a single father because I don't want children. And I know that I wont be able to love another woman's child. I would see him/her as a disturbance in my romance.

    As I don't want to appear as the bad guy in some kids life, I prefer to be with a man with no baggage

  • BeaMarvel

    I'm a little irritated at single mothers as it is (don't try to act like you're all widows or left abusive husbands). A kid living in a single-parent home is NOT an ideal situation for ANY kid and I'm really getting sick of sexually irresponsible black women having children with black men they don't like, love, or want. Since they sell condoms to both men and women there is not excuse for this level of carelessness for one's health or taking the role of "Parent" so casually without the proper planning.

    So no I wouldn't date a never married-man with children because I won't be party to a situation where the kid thinks it's okay for mom and dad to live in separate homes and/or never marry in the first place. My heart goes out to fathers who do the right by their kids, mine did, but the kid is still a bastard at the end of the day. This is coming for the kid of a mother who worked hard but didn't think enough of us to make sure we were legit. For some reason Single, Never Married Moms think it's "fine", no it's not. I'll date a ex-husband or a widow, he's proven himself to be responsible and so has the MOTHER but I will not date a man whose kids is being raised by an irresponsible, woman.

    • kim

      You are an unforgiving womanwho needs a  lot of counseling because your scarred, hurt,  and blameful. You need to get the altar..get to know JESUS!!!! Married couples have problems just like single household. I do agree that a child should not be in a situation where he  or she is left with only  one parent. Your mad because it was done to you!  You shouldn’t date a married man ANYWAY!!! Where are are your morals?

  • Monique

    This article is offensive and very negative!! Writing things like : Being a baby daddy also speaks about a man’s character. Call it a mistake; call it a consequence, their child is a reflection of their sins. Is outrageous, simple, and and flat out mean. It makes me so angry and I'm a woman!

    With an attitude like yours it is no wonder you have no man nor children. You sound very bitter and immature. Do us Mother's a favor and stay away from our children's Fathers. You would be a terrible role model.

    I may never read this website again.

    • kim

      AMEN!!!!  You are right… these are the girls that I do no want around my children!!! They sure do not act  like women

  • Mufasa

    As a black single father i feel like this article is a personal attack to all men to are not married, but have children. I did things the "proper" way. I proposed before she was pregnant (she accepted) and i even took in her first child as my own. She ended the engagement and now i have a beautiful 2 year old who i love and take care of. She is my seed and it is my job to tend and nuture her till she is old enough to handle her own in this world. Why i must i put her life on hold or put a woman before her in order for me to have a relationship? Would it not be helpful in order to see how i treat my daughter and her mother in a proper way in order to gauge how it would be for when it comes to your time?

    I love my beautiful black queens, but this type of attitude is one of the main reasons why men to date outside of our race. To put in retrospective, i have only dated three black woman this year and each had issues with me spending quality time with my daughter. Right now i'm talking to a soman woman and she encourages me to spend more time with her and actually suggest outtings with all of us together.

    But again to each there own…I just hope the author actually opens her eyes and stops condeming all single fathers by calling us baby-daddy's. We are Father's.

    • Guest

      Wow!  What does not wanting to date baby daddies have to do with dating outside our race?   If I was a betting woman, non-black women probably don’t want to date baby daddies either. 

      And, for the record, I think the author is doing some real talk.  Children are precious — no matter HOW they got here.  However, if you think a childless person is judgemental to not want to date you, I say brush your shoulders off.  People have preferences, if someone doesn’t want to date you because you have a child don’t take it personally.  Maybe you don’t want to date a woman who is shorter than 5’5, has a small behind, or who likes country music.  Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea due to your preferences.  And, likewise, if the childless person doesn’t “prefer” to date a person with a child or children, it’s their right.  They are not asking for something they can’t deliver on.

  • What you need to remember that many times a child born out of wedlock was born OUT OF love. Every situation isn't a result of reckless behavior or lack or moral turpitude as you've suggested.

    You should consider dating men of standards, morals, and good character. Those men who care for their children and have healthy relationships with their kid's moms should not be "undatable". In fact, men who are handling their business despite what their baby mom is doing are more suitable to be a long lasting relationship for a single woman than a man who has no sense of responsibility.

    Be careful of the sweeping generalizations.

  • emily

    And the choir says AMEN!

    I dated a baby daddy once when I was young and stupid. It was a horrible experience. Had I met him before he had his daughter, he probably would have been "the one". I experienced everything that was written in this post. I will say though, the problem is not the child, the problem is the child's crazy mother and the fact that the man wasn't responsible enough to use a condom or sleep with a woman responsible enough to be on birth control. Ah if only I knew then what I know now, would have saved myself from those 2 years.

    • kim

      Emily….. ow old are you…13!! 

  • Imgettingmarried

    I agree with this article 110%! As i was reading it, i really was relating to it. I am a young, college grad with no children, but i am engaged to a man that has never been married but has 3 children(twins & a son). I love and accept the children as my own, but there is a still apart of me that is somewhat recentful of them (but i never show it). I want my husband and i to share many first together one being children. Now that he has both a boy and 2 girls i feel somewhat worthless in that area. He often reassures me that there are a lot of first that we can experience together, but i cant help but to feel that way. The time that we have been together i havent experienced any "baby momma drama". Ive often been told that that will all change once we walk down the aisle and share the same last name, but the women seem to be mature about the situation as a whole. I love this man w/ all my being and there is no doubt that i want to spend the rest of my life w/ him, but its just kind of hard for me to get over the fact that he has created a child w/ not 1 but 2 other women, and honestly i feel left out. I know that it is my decision not to have any children before marriage and i dont want to go against my morals, but am i wrong for feeling this way?

    • guest

      So what your basically doing is sacrificing your morals and beliefs for a man honey please find a good lawyer cos come 3 years your gonna need one. I personally think your making a mistake when a person gets married there should be no doubt but whatever its your life. THANK GOD ITS NOT MINE

    • Skates49

      #uno.. if u have these feelings now DO NOT MARRY,, -. #dos.. even after marriage he will still be out there making babies. #tres.. his children will be your financial responsibility after you said I do! If you have a job your income taxes will go to child support. No drama now, but later because she have the right to receive more money from you both. Check the laws in your state before the ax falls

  • @Lauren My marriage is based on Biblical structure, so my husband comes first. Children are trained to go the "right" way and sent off to live their lives. Hence, when you get married you separate from parents and cling to your spouse. A marital relationship is second to that with God. Thus, your lifetime partner comes first. That is not selfish. Women put their children before their husbands and then wonder why they leave and/or cheat on them…or why they don't know what to do with themselves when their kids leave the nest.

    • guest

      Amazing response. Children should be a priority and so should your husband but different sorts. Children need a different type of love, support and protection than your partner does but what most women do is focus entirely on the child and neglect their relationship

    • kim

      Yes,consider me a  baby mama!  Yes,  I have children out of wedlock. My mistake was the action…not the children. You are a jealous, bitter, insecure, married woman because your husband …aka ….baby daddy has to  share YOUR TIME with his other children.  You knew that when you met him!  We have options…remember!  I am  college educated…. woman Of GOD who don’t condone no drama!

      He is the one who bothers me! I take care of my children by myself! Yes, he has to pay childsupport! You and the rest of these women are biased… selfish…angry.. and just plain JUDGEMENTAL!!!  You and the rest of these sistas need to get a  reality check!

      Its ok to have a preference, standard…opinion..etc..Do not throw everyone else under the bus because of YOUR  EXPERIENCES!!!! Although I  have  made mistakes  I am still a woman of God.!!!!!!!!  I am just as worthy…..important…and dateable like the woman who has NO KIDS!!!!!

      • anonymous

        So you’re a WOMAN OF GOD but have CHILDREN( ie more than one) out of wedlock. Have several seats hypocrite _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/

  • @imgettingmarried I've been in your position with the same feelings, and it's a rough place to be. Your feelings are valid. There is nothing wrong with wanting all that comes with marriage and family, not pieces. What you feel has be taken from you in the area of children can ruin your relationship if you don't change your point of view. Having the man for your husband has to be enough for you, because the kids aren't going to disappear. Know that feelings of resentment will rear their ugly head and you will have to reject them. If you are willing to fight that internal battle forever, marry him and be happy.

  • Shirelle

    Ms. Dionne, we share the SAME theory about dating baby daddies. I'm 21 and also am not interested in dating a man who has kids. I don't think it's selfish to want 100% my man's attention, I think it would be more selfish to date someone with kids knowing that you feel this way. The whole idea just does not appeal to me.

  • Lauren H

    I can completely understand the idea of not wanting to date a baby daddy but @Lashaun Williams you cannot expect anyone to put anything before any of their children. That is so selfish!!! If you know that your bf has kids then you need to accept the kids or move on, but asking him to put you before his kids is super selfish. How would you feel if you were the child who had to take a backseat to their dad's new wife/kids? And why would you even want to be with a man who would put a woman before his children? What kind of man is that? Wouldn't that make you question what may happen if you have children with him? You will never be more important than any REAL man's kids. As a father/mother it is your job to put ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN FIRST!!!! When you have kids hopefully you will change your views otherwise it sounds like you will be one of those mothers that feels its ok to put her new husband before her children!!!! and that's never ok!!

  • Ruby

    I agree with the writer 100%. Like Phaedra said on the Real Housewives, "I wanted a clean man. No baggage."

    • kim

      No kids, don’t mean he  don’t have  baggage!! Lol

  • @Hindsight I am married with kids…to a "baby daddy." One act of indiscretion resulted in a daughter during a separation in college. Only by the grace of God has the situation worked out. But, dating or marrying a single parent adds unnecessary dynamics to relationships and families. It has worked out (with challenges) for me and others I know. But, it is not something I recommend to friends who are still single.

  • Iagree

    I have to commend Nana, you really have changed my perception of women with children outside marriage, I wish more would be like you. Nana said, my ex's new woman is an additional person to love my child. Look at it that way instead of being bitter about the way things turned out. Nana…much respect.

    I am a woman with no children and I have worked very hard to keep that status. I can only imagine what it takes to raise a child without the child's father under the same roof, having to give the child a life that I did not have. I had both parents in the house and that has shaped my views on family and I want my children to have that.

    Children are a deal breaker for me, 1 child isn't anymore because I am seeing someone with one. He takes care of his child and he has set boundaries with his ex. It is not easy, my emotions play pranks on me, but I care about this man and I care about his child and my concerns are the child's happiness.

    I understand where the author is coming from. People should not become defensive because it is her opinion. You have your preferences and she has a right to have one too.

  • fancyap1

    Thunder Kitty I am by no means calling upon favoritisim when I say your husband should put his wife first before previous marriages or future children. What I mean by putting your wife first is putting her first above the drama. I would never treat my bf's child any less than I treat my own. I have met her and she is a wonderful little girl and I view her exactly like you said as an extension of himself. Ironically, I came from a single family home with no father so I know what its like to have that missing equation in a young woman's life and I also know what its like to have a blended family I would never take away his responsibilities as a dad. What I dont want is the drama that comes with the mother of his child and her thinking she has control over him just because they have a child together. She can't want him to be a father sometimes and not others or just when its convenient for her.

  • Hindsight

    Although I am a single mother, I understand the fact that the writer has standards set for herself that she is, at least at this point in life, not willing to compromise. I may not agree with the overall thinking, but I do agree with the premise behind that thinking. If one has a good sense of self-worth, they are SUPPOSED to set standards for themselves. No one has the right to argue by what scale another measures that value of self. Life and experiences will do the readjusting all on its own.

    Life and experiences have taught me that there are several problems with this particular issue. First, I commend those that continue to uphold the sanctity of marriage and family, but many of us have learned the hard way, that simply because it starts out ideal, there is nothing set in stone that says it has to end that way. You can begin your family in the "appropriate" order; education, career, husband/wife, children…but due to the fact that both individuals have to remain committed to the hard work that goes along with building and maintaining that strong foundation, your desires may not be reciprocated. Then you find yourself being exactly what you turned your nose up at…a single parent, baby momma, baby daddy or whatever you choose to respond to; the outcome is still the same no matter how you arrived there.

    Whether we are talking about a man or a woman with children, what ultimately matters is how he or she treats that child AND how well he/she co-parents with his/her ex, if applicable. Every situation does not have to involve irresponsible, dysfunctional drama kings or queens, nor is every situation ideal. However, what matters is how well the individuals involved can put their differences aside to raise that child in a functional, healthy environment.

    I get that you are somewhat self-centered; understadably so, you have not developed the sense of responsibility and sacrifice that goes or should go along with, in some people's cases, parenthood. This is one of the reasons why, as a people, our family structure is no longer the foundation of who we are…selfishness. Forget what anyone has said or will say in comment to this article. I simply invite you to live a little. Life will change your thinking.

  • black is b-e-a-utifu

    As a divorced mom of two, I find this article to be kind of offensive. Not all of us have drama. I maintain a stable household for my girls with no ex drama. I believe that there are men who can do the same. As far as the child support issue, no it is not fair in all cases but just the fact that he pays it regularly and on time is enough to tell me that he is responsible and is deserving of a second chance at love. If baby momma has drama then that is on her and she will not run me off because she is jealous and having a temper tantrum-and as a parent, I know how to EXACTLY deal with temper tantrums. If he has stability in heart, mind, body and soul, then that brother deserves all the love in the world-kids or not.

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  • Crazybabymamas

    We are single moms and we wrote a book about our experiences with our children's fathers, child support, and our emotions. Our book is called, "Are You A 'Crazy' Baby Mama?" It's a handbook for single moms. We value the writer's opinion but NOT all of us are about the drama.

  • AfroDD

    The opinions expressed in this article may seem harsh, but the author simply has a desire to be "equally yoked" with her partner (e.g. no children and no emotional baggage.) They are not requests that she herself has not adhered to.

    If she feels that she would be uncomfortable dealing with situations involving another man's child, (a child she has no legal or financial incentive to care for), ESPECIALLY when she has taken precautions to not have children of her own…Avoiding "baby daddies" (and also divorced men with children) is the smartest decision to make: the single woman will not raise "another-woman's-child" and the single man will not be with a woman who does not want to help raise his "children-by-another-woman."

    This is not a rejection of single parents or children of single parents. Not all single parents are pining after their baby daddy/mama hoping for reconciliation or romantic sabotage. Not all children of single parents are brats and "mistakes."

    Parents have a responsibility to tend to the needs of their child before their own. Those without children have the prerogative and the time to place their own needs first (at the cost of delaying procreation.)

    So if the author does not want to deal with a baby daddy because dealing with children is too complicated — fine. At least she's honest and knows when to avoid a situation she can't handle.

  • onyx

    Way to put all baby daddies in one box even though everyone does not have the same reason for the conception of their child. And a "reflection of their sins"? From reading this you make it seem as if children born out of wed-lock are just the most God-awful things on earth. Who are we to judge a man with a child without even knowing them well? I swear some people these days will not stop judging a book by its cover and won't even bother to read the pages. Sorry, but this article needs more work if it wants to send a sensible message across to other women about dating unwed fathers.

    • Keziri

      That’s because they all are in the same BOX. The box may have different shelves in it but it’s the same box. The box of “I have a EX who will forever be apart of your life until you die, I have kids who will be more important than you 99% of time unless its your funeral”. All holidays will be revolved around your kid with this other woman until your woman #2 pops ANOTHER kid out for you as well and even then, you’ll have to coordinate how to spend a holiday cause either you’re going with the kid to their moms house where #2 is either invited and uncomfortable or not invited at all and alone with her family because you can’t make it. Or you can make it for a hour and then have to leave early because you’ve got your other family to hang with. You can’t see it that way because you’re one of the people who put your seed somewhere and it didn’t work out yet you still want females who managed to stay un-compromised to see you as a catch compared to another man who is also un-compromised. Don’t try to act like the prospect of a late night candlelight dinner with wine prepared in the home on some random weekend would totally be out of the window because its “kids weekend”. Oh that’s right.. you might be allowed to order a pizza and watch a movie every other weekend if you and #2 are lucky.

  • Lisa

    I agree with this article. Baby daddies and their whole situation/baggage can be some real bull, especially if theguy isn't man enough to handle the situation appropriately. Unfortunately, there's double standards when it comes to this. Women are more than likely to settle and deal with "baby daddies", than men are to deal with "baby mamas".

  • Danni

    I don't agree with this article at all. It stereotypes women with kids and men with kids. Also I have a child by someone else and I'm married to another man and our children go first. I don't know too many people with kids that put there wives or husbands first. I also couldn't care less about the next woman that enters the father of my child's life as long as he continues to love and support our kid then so be it.

  • olivia

    The older you get the more likely it is that you will eventually link up with a baby daddy. As a matter of fact it is getting rarer to meet someone over the age of 30 who does not have any kids man or woman.

    Get used to it.

    • guest

      ur just desperate honey

  • Thunder Kitty

    To Dee Dee, when you have a child, you are to put that child above all else period. A child can't take care of themselves, but you should be able to. Once you bring a child into this world your priorities are supposed to change. We read all these articles daily about single mothers putting men they met before their children and the children getting hurt and abused and we say how sad, tragic and unfair for that child. I've bet you've even said it yourself. Then you turn around and say he should put his wife and new children ahead of any previous children! All the children are to be loved and treated equally. He is supposed to put you before his baby's mother but not before his children (past or present included). You are not supposed to put him before any children you two may have. I definitely agree with you on the young part, because your thought processes are a little bit off. The child didn't choose to be put in the situation. How is that even fair? Are you saying the child is only as good until the next one comes along? How horrible of you, if you really believe that. If you really love your man how can you love his child any less. His child is a reflection of him. The way a person treats their children from a previous relationship is a good indicator of how he/she will treat the children you have with them. If they are willing to neglect their kids for you, they will soon be neglecting any kids you have with them for something else. It takes a good balance of love, patience and understanding to raise a blended family. If you view your boyfriends child, as simply an object from a previous relationship instead of an extension of him then you are not really ready for a future with him. News flash: The child he has now and any in the future will all have the same amount of his blood running through their veins, so if you really plan on being together you better love his previous child like you're the one who did the birthing.

    • Common Sense

      Your spouse comes before your children. Thunder Cat, keep your kitty closed and stop birthing babies! baby Mommas alway think their child is much more precious than the baby daddy married wife's kids. He has a differrnt bond with the child of whom the woman he married. He loves them both, but like most baby daddies, they view the baby moma and the child as a "MISTAKE." Newsflash that…

      • kim

        Here we go again…blaming and judging ALLLL black women… because your hurt! This is why black women choose to date out of their race, because we hear ignorant statements such as yours!  On a positive note, it sounds like your a great father!

    • kim winn


  • jb

    wow @ the last statement of this article. so basically, i'm viewing that being a father is an negative thing for females who are childless?

    it never cease to amaze me why a number of females are single..but yet are very much close minded when it comes to making assumptions and marking off men with kids.

    if you chose not to date a man without kids, that is fine, but for someone to say NOT to date a man with kids is a deal breaking and needs to be avoided… shouldn't be discuses.

    to each it's on…

    but again..you complain that its hard to find a good man. gotca.

    • Common Sense

      Having babies and not dealing with your ignorant baby momma is a great reason to avoid you! P.S. Why do you think you're a good man!? Crazy delusional baby daddy! Nobody wants that baggage! And ususally the baby momma is the village idiot that slept with everybody. Again, who wants to get involved with all that crap. Not too mention the kid who is probably a brat… little hood rat…

      • guest

        Common Sense u've got some real good common sense its sooo true

  • Annie

    I don't understand the women on here saying that the fathers don't pay child support…..it is just that money for the child. These men need a court order ASAP…..you never here other cultures saying that the man isn't support his child. Black women make the men Man Up and take care of there children. You didn't make a baby by yourself and you shouldn't have to support on on your own. White women get their money that is due to that child.

  • DeeDee

    I agree wholeheartdly with @Lashaun Williams a man should put his wife first above all previous children and marriages. Although im still fiarly young in my early 20's and not married. I'm currently involved with someone who is a "baby daddy'. Through my personal experience with him, although he loves his child dearly he does see her as a mistake. When he had her he was still going through his haydays in college and way on his way to becoming a young successful beautiful black man when his gf at the time in college got preganant. Till this day although we havent made the commitment to be together exclusively he still has many trust issues and often doesnt trust my motives. Although I am described as one of the females in the last paragraph of the article (someone who has worked hard to try and not be a statistic and become a baby mama). Its sad to see the woman scorned on the other end using her child as a pawn to keep him away from another woman its sad because he truly is a good father and is willing to do anything to make his child happy. Being on the other end of the stick it takes alot of understanding and patience to be with a man who has a baby mama that he doesnt get along with. Often times he is very pessimistic about relationships but I try my best to show him that all women arent the same and I try to love him past his faults. Does it hurt that if we do end up being with each other that we wont share the first child experience? Yes! but I find comfort in knowing that he is already a good dad

  • DeeDee

    I agree wholeheartdly with @Lashaun Williams a man should put his wife first above all previous children and marriages. Although im still fiarly young in my early 20's and not married. I'm currently involved with someone who is a "baby daddy'. Through my personal experience with him, although he loves his child dearly he does see her as a mistake. When he had her he was still going through his haydays in college and way on his way to becoming a young successful beautiful black man when his gf at the time in college got preganant. Till this day although we havent made the commitment to be together exclusively he still has many trust issues and often doesnt trust my motives. Although I am described as one of the females in the last paragraph of the article (someone who has worked hard to try and not be a statistic and become a baby mama). Its sad to see the woman scorned on the other end using her child as a pawn to keep him away from another woman its sad because he truly is a good father and is willing to do anything to make his child happy. Being on the other end of the stick it takes alot of understanding and patience to be with a man who has a baby mama that he doesnt get along with. Often times he is very pessimistic about relationships but I try my best to show him that all women arent the same and I try to love him past his faults. Does it hurt that if we do end up being with each other that we wont share the first child experience? Yes! but I find comfort in knowing that he is already a good dad.

    • Skates49

      He said, “his child was a mistake.”because he was probably a mistake! No human is a mistake. He is still sneaking around and having sex. Beware of an std. another mistake is out there. Maybe he wants you to help with money not paying support.

      • Keziri

        It’s nice to sugar coat stuff when it’s convenient. Or do use biblical tones to make a logical statement untrue. No one wants to be called a mistake but what happens when a condom bursts? What happens when that birth control pill isn’t 100% effective (Because there is no 100% effect method other than abstinence). What happens when you have sex for fun and do not intend to procreate? There are ALOT of people born on mistake and if you think a majority of people were “planned pregnancies” you’re delusional. I can almost bet that myself, my brother, along with my a few of my aunts and uncles were also mistakes. Here… why don’t you call it “happy mistakes” so you don’t feel so bad when you ask your parents “Did you have sex with the specific purpose of making me?”.

  • Tweety

    Hmmmm…. What can one say. Life is full of surprises. I had the same opinions as you until I met a man who told me all I wanted to hear and got me pregnant. Having a baby changes your life and views of the world. Your priorities will change and things you'd spent time on in the past will be become irrelevant. All I can say is live each day as it comes and hope that you do not find yourself in a situation you cannot cope it. Stop making generalisations and learn to support people you come across. This way, you'll enjoy life to the fullest. We, single mothers do not give a damn to what anyone thinks cos all relationships are full of ups and downs and not one is perfect. The positive ones are too busy enjoying time with their child/children and getting on with life.. xx

    • Common Sense

      Another delusional baby momma. Just keep having babies. Seriously!

    • Keziri

      I know several unwed mothers who would disagree. They not living life to the fullest. They mad they can’t go out like they want without hunting someone down to babysit. When they do go out, it don’t last very long because “KIDS”. Like Common said, delusional.

  • W

    This is an ignorant piece of writing. there are plenty of women who will date and even marry a bady daddy…ask Mary J Blige.

  • GM


    yeah the baby mama being talked about in this article is YOU…ur the reason for this writer posting this article…smh…how u gonna say im not gonna hurt his relationship or lady he chose to wed but if he does marry you'll put em child support then, wouldn't that hurt his wallet which as a result would hurt his financial obligations to his new fam which would hurt the relationship, so ur comments is hypocrisy written as a paragraph

  • @Odetta would you be angry if he got married and didn't put YOUR child first? When two people get married, that relationship comes first. His wife is his life partner, not your child or any children they have together. Thus, his wife would and should come before your child. How would you react to that? From the tone of your comment, I think you might be angry…and end up lashing out.

    Trust me, if he loves the woman he marries and wants to stay married, it will happen. You just have to hope she loves your child and wants the best for him (or her).

  • Odetta

    man dont be so hard on the lady that wrote this article. i think the primary reason she did it was to respond to the one about "baby mama's" now that was a VERY hard article to digest. Anyway I am a single mother and my son's father and I were never married. I will never involve myself in his relationships nor would I seek to hurt the lady who he chooses to wed. I'm saying this all to say that not every situation is the same. i will keep it 100 on this next part. i have not pursued child support because he simply has none so rather than create an uneasy situation where no one would benefit i'd rather him have time to get it together. now if he marries some one then BAM there will be a child support order honey. Call it what you want but it is what it is my child comes b4 any other children or wife obtained after his conception. So for that reason alone i do understand the writer not wanting to date a single father with children UNLESS he is taking care of them.

    • Common Sense

      So, you will not ask him for money, but you'll it his wife up when he gets married?! Sounds like you still got issues. So what makes you think your child is more special. Your child will not and should not come first. He'll marry her not you, so enough said. Read the handwriting on the wall! Another case of a delusional stupid baby mamma! (who thinks she intelligent)

    • Keziri

      Your WHOLE second paragraph is why no one wants to date people with kids. If you needed that money, you’d already be pursuing it, yet you want to wait until his new wife’s money is involved because your kid comes before “All other children and wifes”. Totally exactly why CONDOMS save so many people from having to deal with some trife nonsense like this. First of all, despite what you THINK, your kid is no more important than any other kid this guy has. You on the other hand are on the bottom of the totem pole. Obviously, his kids come first, then his new wife.. and then MAYBE you, if you haven’t made yourself look extra stupid trying to go after his new wifes money claiming child support. You might as well had gone for the child support as soon as you realized he wasn’t paying it, yet instead you want to be trife and go after someone elses money? For what? Don’t even say “becauseee my child come first”. No you sound spiteful as hell. If your child came first, you wouldn’t be waiting to stick it to the new woman. You’d already be on it. I swear, sittin’ up there trying to pretend like you bout your business lol, go somewhere and have several seats.

  • margarette

    Damn straight. I dont want kids (at least right now) and the top 3 Questions i ask are :(1) do you have a Job? (2)Do you have at least a car & (3)do u have (a) kid (s)!!!!!!!!! #3 is def. a deal breaker. While kids are ok (in short increments) i dont wanna be no (step) mama.

  • Frankie Ball

    I agree to what she is saying because iam in a relationship with a man that has children plus mine and still hasn't married me after 17 yrs.

  • DreamchaZer

    THANK YOU!!!! I get bashed for having this opinion! It is not my preference to date a baby daddy. I'm not saying it horrible for anyone else, or that they are these horrible people..it's just not for me. I want my husband and I to experience our first baby experience together. My boyfriend feels the same way 🙂

  • Christina H

    So, what about a divorced man with children? He is not a baby daddy and you still have to go through the same drama.

    • Keziri

      He’s still a baby daddy. He’s ALSO a ex husband on top of it all.

  • Synamin

    GO GIRL!

  • Butterfly Jones

    Well good luck to you finding Prince Charming to come bust you out of your ivory tower Rapunzel. No shortage of clichés and stereotypes in your rant. But clearly you lack many of the qualities which might make you fit to be raise a child, let alone attract a man fool enough to marry you. This is a hateful piece of 'writing'. And I bet you sit right up in church come Sunday. Hypocrite.

    • Common Sense

      Fly away Margerine Fly Jones! Stop screwing and having more little hood rats!

    • Keziri

      This person sounds like they are either a mom without the original partner of their kids, or a dad without the original partner of their kids. Some people went through the trouble of abstaining or using condoms to insure not getting pregnant/not getting someone pregnant so that they wouldn’t have to bring a ready-made family into a brand new relationship. Shame on you for being selfish enough to think no one deserves the joy YOU had the option of getting BUT since it didn’t work out for you, anyone who doesn’t immediately see you as a catch is waiting for a Prince Charming/ Princess Charming? LOL, yeah ok. Dating someone with kids is like playing Russian Roulette with a gun only missing ONE bullet. It might work out for a few in a million but it’s most likely because they can’t have kids and really want to raise some even if it means having to deal with someones ex for the rest of your natural life. Oh, this also works out for couples who both bring in kids from another relationship. They’ve already experienced “firsts” with their “ended” previous relationship and are both on the same level when it comes to “new” moments. Must be real fun to be in a relationship, you partner is either having your child, or you’re having your partners child, and this whole concept has already been done with them and someone else and you’re sitting here for your first time, experiencing it for the first time with someone else whose already “seen it and done that” and the only thing new about it is YOU.

  • Nana

    That's not all necessary true. I have a child with someone that I was never married to. I don't do child pawning. Nor am I angry or scorned. Nor did I care to marry him. He asked I declined for personal reasons. I support my own household with my income. I have never tried to insert myself into his relationship with any woman he dated after me. And there was no "promiscuity" considering that we were a couple for two years before the conception of our child. That's right child not kid. We have a child that we both love equally and fully. Maybe we're the exception to the rule. But before throwing every man who didn't marry his so called baby mama under the bus slow down and realize that not every man is like that. I've seen plenty men who got married and did the same things. P.S. I got married to another man and my child's father married someone else also giving my child two more people who love and care for her.

  • dede

    I totally agree with you. Personally,a man with children born out of wedlock would not be first choice. The fact that he didn't marry the 'baby mama' but had no problem getting her pregnant would make me question his family values and ideas about marriage.