How Black Men View Baby Mamas

June 15, 2010  |  

Anslem “NWSO” Samuel’s Naked With Socks On is an award-winning relationship blog. Each week, NWSO will share his candid thoughts on women, love, life and all the fun stuff in between with MadameNoire.

I’ve spent a good majority of my adult life trying not to have a baby mama. Not because I don’t want children, I just don’t want children with a woman that’s not my wife. See, when you do the wife and kids thing, that’s generally something planned and thought out. Even if it’s not, you’re married so having kids isn’t really that big of a deal because it’s expected at some point.

A baby mama, however, is a whole other ball game. Just look at the term itself. It’s detached and impersonal. She’s not called my wife, my girlfriend, or even my lover, but my baby’s mama. That doesn’t denote a loving connection but a relationship of circumstance. Generally, this is just a woman who “happened” to get pregnant and if not for the child y’all probably wouldn’t have any further contact after the relationship went south. Even if y’all are together, the fact a man would refer to you as his baby mama as opposed to his wife/girl shows that there isn’t much hope for the relationship evolving beyond two people that happen to share a child.

Now, as a single man with no kids, I’m in no rush to get involved with someone else’s baby mama. That’s not to say I’d never date a single mother but she definitely wouldn’t be my first choice. Getting to know someone is hard enough, but trying to do that around a mother’s 24/7 schedule can be downright impossible. Single folk like myself can just pick up and go out on a whim, while parents have to work around less flexible babysitting schedules. Since I have no kids I’m selfish and just not ready for that kind of situation.

Dating someone with a kid(s) is a package deal. When you go out with a single mom you’re not just dating her but her kids (and her potentially crazy baby daddy). The last thing I’d want to do is get attached to a kid — and vice versa — only to have the relationship with his or her mother not pan out. The mom would understand why I wasn’t in the picture anymore, but depending on the age of her child, he or she may not. My father was never really around so I’d never want to be just some dude that came in and out of a kid’s life. It’s not fair to the innocent child.

Another factor to consider is the idea of jumping into a situation where there’s a built in family in place. This ain’t the Brady Bunch and I’d much rather have my own instead of playing daddy to the next man’s kids. Speaking of which, the only thing worse than the haphazard dating schedule of a single mom is the potentially intrusive baby daddy. Exes can be very possessive and that’s especially true if there’s a kid involved. I don’t need that headache and aggravation, so jealous baby daddy’s who will always be attached to the woman I’m seeing because of their kid is a major turn-off.

Overall, the idea of a baby mama just doesn’t work for me — be it my own or someone else’s. In the event that I got the wrong woman pregnant, I see it making for an awkward and unhealthy environment for my child. I’d much rather have a stable family structure with my wife than a faux family. And in terms of dating a woman with kids, there’s a possibility things could work out given the right circumstances, but truthfully I’d rather date someone with less baggage.

For more on NWSO’s relationship advice and bare-naked truth, as well as his popular weekly erotica series, Wet Wednesdays, be sure to check his daily blog, Naked With Socks On, here.

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  • Kim

    It’s true that I have less options to date. But I knew that before I got pregnant. And I also knew that a man who dates me will be a more loving and kinder, patient man than one who is attracted to women who have “less” baggage. So I prefer less options for the improvement of quality of heart I will get from a good man. When you’re pretty with no “baggage” – and my child is never baggage to me, she’s a priceless jewel, its easier for all types of men to fall in love with you. But add some responsibility, and you can see what kind of heart a man truly has.

  • Kim

    I’m a “baby momma” and It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m so happy with my child and her father and I have a great co parenting relationship. I actually am glad to date when I’m ready because I know whoever I date will be a supportive, loving man who is willing to love me and my daughter together. Before having my baby I attracted a lot of selfish men who liked me so much because I was pretty and didn’t have baggage. Now, those kinds of men won’t want me and I’m glad. I prefer a man with greater love in his heart than someone who is a bit more self centered. Having my little girl is the best decision I ever made. She is truly a blessing and I think I made a wise decision for my life. She is the sunshine of my heart and I love her so much.

  • NiceGirlFinishedFirst

    Amem, I dated a man with an ex wife and a baby mama. Needless to say it was drama 24/7. Thankful to God that I did not marry this guy. I finally said enough is enough after having to get an order of protection on his crazy baby mama. I broke it off with him and decided to wait on the Lord and found the absolute man of my dreams with no children just like me. We are as happy as can be. Lesson to all women who don’t have children don’t date or marry a guy with a baby mama. They will never go away. End of discussion!!!!

  • lp_30

    As a Black Woman, I’m glad bm are publishing how they actually feel so that I can respond likewise. I too would NEVER date a man with OOW children! Since almost 80% of Black children are born OOW, I would not give at least 80% of bm (I round up) the time of day. There are plenty of nonblack men to choose from and I take full advantage of that fact!

    Since bm want to disrespect BW by calling them’baby mamas’ and other derogatory names, I and many other BW want NOTHING to do with you. BW STOP BIRTHING BLACK MALES and see how long they will be talking this ish.

  • lp_30


  • LoveIsLove

    This!!! I know I’m late but when I have to “prove” to my peers why I’m so adamant about being married before kids it’s because of things like this. I’m so over it being a surprise when you see a young Black pregnant girl with a ring on her finger. I’m also so over going to events and seeing the few black families there with no husband and wife..just a bunch if mamas and aunties with their kids. I too want to break this cycle and get our traditional families back.

  • Donna

    I must agree with this article. I am a woman with no child. But I am dating a man with a child. It is the most dreadful situation that I have put myself in. Before anyone lay down make sure that is the one you which to be with. Baby mamas if you cannot be with the daddy or daddies I must say. Stop trying to set rules for your baby daddy and his new mate. Move on. You just a baby mama. Not wife material.

  • Suzy

    It all comes down to this: the women gets pregnant by herself, no god, no science, no man. Therefore, she is solely responsible for the pregnancy and any derogatory terms anyone wants to call her. Idiots!!!!!
    What do you care if she calls a baby a blessing or a curse?

    • True_Blood

      I’m just calling her out on her sh*t. Nothing more, nothing less. She’s a baby mama that had unprotected sex and want to pin it on GOD to make herself look more than what she is –a thot.

      If you’re a irresponsible human being, then own up to it. Simple

  • Suzy

    Curious how that turned out. Seriously, what you get has little resemblance to what you want or think you want. Oh what a disaster your life will be if you fall for a man with kids. Holy crap, I think you’d rather die or go to prison, maybe get a leg cut off?

  • Suzy

    Sad the way he refers to mothers as throw away women that don’t deserve a decent man. Shame on you Anslem!

    • Suzy

      A young friend of mine once said he felt like an azzhole, but he too, only wanted a childless women, for much the same reasons in the article. He learned his lesson the hard way when he unexpectedly became a baby daddy, lol. He is very successful and happily wed in a blended family. Life lesson: It isn’t always how you plan or want you wish for, but that’s life. Open your closed mind and cold heart and make the best of it!
      When my friend said those things, I was a divorced mom myself and somewhat offended, but attributed his idealization of love, life, and marriage to his youth and inexperience. I hope you grow into a mature man someday, Anslem. You’ll get yours, too. We all do 😉

  • Eby

    Its just always so curious to see women with children, who were really aiming to keep a man, and now they dont have that man, and they end up lonely with 2 jobs – maybe 3 (one being a fulltime mom) and a limited social life….how did having kids to have a man make your life in any way better??? Curious, indeed!

  • Emperor Donlon

    Funny how children out of wedlock is taboo among all races but the black American race.

  • Samantha Harris

    This may be five years old, but perhaps you still have an email attached to your disqus account that will ping this. The only “better choice” I could have made was to be psychic. Because I trusted and married a sociopath. It was almost two years before he showed his true face, and it took longer than that to get out. No one helped, they just blamed me. Now I’m left raising a special-needs child alone, and the loneliness is debilitating. But I know better than to exchange my sanity for a body next to me at night. Still….I wish that people would stop looking at what folks have or don’t have, and look at their souls. Men and women being burned every day by selfish, manipulative people with THINGS, when someone else who might have a little less or whose life might lean a little crooked, would have been much better to them.

    • Kelly

      That’s so unfortunate. My heart goes out to you. Everyone’s situation is different! And you’re right just because you end up marrying someone doesn’t guarantee anything. Be encouraged!

  • Emiliano Babarah

    All i can say is a thank you to Dr OGUMEN for making me and my family a happy home, i have been married for 2 years without a child and i had 4 miscarriage within this time, i saw a post that says contact Dr OGUMEN for Infertility help, so i did, after he cast a pregnancy spell on me i get pregnant few weeks later after having sex with my partner as instructed by Dr OGUMEN, and i am 7 months pregnant now without any complications and i will share another post here after my delivering and i will also give out my personal info, watch out for my next post, so i decide to drop this here for any body going through infertility problem to contact Dr OGUMEN on
    and you will be happy you did, contact him for any problem you are having i believed he will help out

  • Anonymous

    Baby mamas should take a lesson from the virgins to keep their legs closed!

  • mike

    “The facts “you, are an idiotic fool, who said all baby mama dated some looser, think before you talk you worthless piece of shit,how can you say such nonsense about women who decided to not abort but give their babies life, Do u have brains? How dare you disrespect such women u animal!!,if u were to be near me I will slap the crap out of your face, you uncivilized dog!

  • Dina

    I guess I’m a rare situation. I’m a single mother with three children, three different men, and I’m marrying the man of my dreams, who just so happens to NOT have ANY children of his own. Love is love. And it is infinite. How can one deny me of my right to be loved?

    • Researchifudontknow

      Dina, I mean no disrespect, but you but are not a single mother, you are still a baby’s moma and your children are illegitimate. Sorry but that is the plain truth. You getting married changes nothing unless your future husband decides to adopt your children. Single mothers are either (divorced or widowed females with children).


    truth is, yall FEMALES need to wait til he outs a ring on your finger and yall get married and plan kids then yall wont become baby mamas. because then yall get another boyfriend get pregnant he leaves now u stuck with 2 kids 2 babyfather no man. so the cycle continues. keep ya legs closed

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  • Guidobarbui

    The reason why Black women accept having a child out of wedlock so readily is because they know they can get government assistance or family assistance so readily. Plus white women have more abortions and having a child out of wedlock is looked down upon, because it destroys chances of preserving wealth.

    Blacks don’t think in terms of community wealth. Every time a  Black woman has a child out of wedlock she just destroyed a piece of the Black Community. The money pipe line now is streaming in different directions. Black women that are baby mama’s usually aren’t high paid executives, they are low level service women and bottom rung corporate pawns.

    A family builds wealth. Having a child out of wedlock destroys all chances gaining assets. Ask any black girl what would she be scared of destroying her life of having a child, and most of them would say no because they don’t see the world in a financial community way. Ask any white girl would happen if she became pregnant she’ll spout off that “This will ruin everything, my future job, college, family, and chances of having a better life”

    Let’s face it Baby mama’s aren’t getting hired because they run in ghetto middle class to low class circles. Their sense of culture is low, and unless they have parents that are well to do or are still married, the chances of them having a successful life is slim.

  • sunnstarr s

    What does mentoring kids have to do with being a father to the next man’s kid’s?…Why should a man have to be with a woman to mentor someone’s kids? It’s an illogical statement and the two are totally unrelated…So because a man chooses not to date a woman with kids, he doesn’t mentor or know how to mentor?

    Since when does mentoring kids have to have a sexual prerequisite?

  • Shreveportgurl1770

    I am currently dating a male with 2 baby mamas. There has been drama & today he is at church with her.I don’t like this at all.

  • mya

    I think its funny how everyone vilifies the baby father as "running away from responsibility" if he is not there for the child .. if he didnt marry you he didnt want it in the first place!!!! Stop getting knocked up!!!!!!

    • Sarah

      The man that runs away from his responsibility SHOULD be vilified.  If I ran away and didn’t pay my bills there are consequences. I made the bills, now I need to pay for them. It’s called being responsible.

      Women should NOT have to take on all that fool’s responsibility because that’s his damn child. 

      • Paternity Judge

        She’s the one who made the DECISION to get pregnant (didn’t use birth control), STAY pregnant (didn’t take the morning after pill or get an abortion) and to KEEP the baby after she birthed it. Betcha a dollar she’ll do it some more, too. Food stamps, anyone?

  • Guest

    OMG! Will you marry me?

  • They are going to serve as your behavioral guru in relation to success. It’ll allow you to develop your potentials and it will also allow you to set up your objectives in life.

  • guest

    Funny how people are only closed minded when they disagree with you.

    Anyone who suggests dealing with a woman with children is not more complicated and challenging than dealing with the same woman without children is either in denial or a fool.

    And to all those who say or suggest its not right to judge, please go back and read your Bible again. We all judge and its right to do so, just not when choosing fitness for Heaven.

    Interesting read in all aspects on both sides of the argument. A lot of obvious insecurities being displayed. Which wouldn't be apparent if one was truly at peace with themselves and their choices.

  • DealWithIt

    You know what's funny? All the "educated" baby mamas who have commented. One would think with all your degrees and "intelligence", that you would be smart enough to not become a baby mama. All you educated baby mamas are even more stupid than your stereotypical, hoodrat baby mama. Why? Because it's expected for the uneducated, loudmouth, brash hoodrat to have a brood of kids. But even with all your degrees, cars, homes, expensive shoe and purses, travel destinations, that still didn't stop you from being a dumb a$$ for some loser who impregnated you and left. That's really funny to me.

    • ucanwriteillneverrespondtho

      loooool yo chill, you still got a lot of life to live and you never know where you may end up in the future

    • Shelly

      u said it …master degrees, workin on PhD…………….stalker, block caller, anonymous texter, tire Slasher… Those aren’t supposed to go together, but these BM are talented these days.

  • DealWithIt

    You should have made a better decision about who you had a child with. and those balking at the notion that somehow we single, childless females think we are better, guess what? We are indeed better. Why? Because many of us have decided that being some loser's baby mama is just not good enough. Now, I'm not speaking for all single, childless women, but I'm sure many share my sentiment. Children are a blessing from God, when that child is conceived within a union recognized by God, not when 2 unmarried people couldn't get past their lust for each other long enough to realize that a pregnancy, or worse, could happen. Many baby mamas, use the excuse "Children are a blessing from God" as an excuse and a cover for their bad choices. And I have complete disdain for these chicks with multiple baby daddies. Did you not learn from baby daddies #1 & #2? These chicks who get pregnant by every dude they meet just disgust me. So in closing, yes, I am judging you. Yes, I look at you with the side eye when I see you and your brood of snotty nosed, bad a$$ kids walking down the street (usually to the welfare line) because you give the rest of the hard working black women who wait to have kids until marriage, a bad name. Get a clue, get some self-esteem and most importantly, get some self-respect. Maybe then, out of wedlock births will decrease and marriage rates will increase for black women.

    • MYA

      i love your comment, this is how i feel exaclty maybe if baby mothers were viewed this way they wouldnt be so quick to be one i am so sick of this "blessing"

      God didnt bless you with a child YOU GOT PREGNANT!!!! leave God out of it it was YOUR DECISION..

      • doesntmatter

        Every child is a blessing. And for you to say they aren’t is ridiculous. If it wasn’t meant for a baby to be born then God wouldn’t have made it happen. I had a baby out of wedlock but me and my baby’s father are together and are working together to make sure our baby is well taken care of. We didn’t plan her but we love her very much. I am happy she is apart of us…i do understand why a man doesn’t want to deal with a woman with kids.

        • True_Blood

          So if you TRULY believe this, why would GOD stress marriage so much? Why would GOD say, Deut. 23:2 “If a person is illegitimate by birth, neither he nor his descendants for ten generations may be admitted to the assembly of the LORD.”

          Serious question

    • Me

      Shuuuut uuuup :p

      • Tiffane Mcmillon

        bye Girl

  • DealWithIt

    ow @ a lot of the comments, especially from some fo the bitter a$$ baby mamas. Don't be mad because this brother said he really would prefer nto to date a baby mama. Before I go on, however, I think a distinction should be made about what puts a person into the baby mama category. If you have never been married, but had a child out of wedlock, you are a baby mama. No other way to slice it. Doesn't matter if you're from the hood or the burbs, you made the exact same decision–to have a baby out of wedlock. A single parent, on the other hand, is someone who had a child, within a marriage and is now divorced or widowed. Many baby mamas like to categorize themselves into the single parent category because it makes themselves feel better about their situation and they think it is less stigmatizing. You can't be mad if a man without kids doesn't want you. Nor should you be out here talking about how a man is missing out. I don't think any man is missing out on a chick who can't make a good decision if it came up and smacked her in the face.

    • Ohplease

      A man dating a divorced woman is still going into a ready made family…. The kids still aren’t his and he will deal with the baggage from the ex husband… And baggage from the Marriage. The overall experience will be the same… The man wasnt this womans first choice.. She already had a family. Even you get married and wait till marriage to have have kids you’re supposed to STAY married, ppl aren’t supposed to feet married as a formality to have kids.. The idea is creating a family and keeping it that way.that way no man or woman has to deal with your kids and especially the drama from the divorce. Widowed however is still a different story.

  • Poetry's Babymama

    This is an ignorant, closed-minded, selfish blog post based on assumption, not on facts. I am glad you wouldn't consider dating a babymama because you are not built to even be a friend. SMH

    • MANofQUE

      I am at a lost as to what is so ignorant for a man to want to have his own

      and not some body elses

      not stepping in where some body else

      I am at a lost as to why it is ignorant to want to be a father …. and not LIKE a father

  • Areli

    This post is super late but I just came across this and had to comment so here it goes… I commend the blog author for wanting to be married to the mother of his children. The statistics regarding children born out of wedlock are staggering. Children growing up today have enough to deal with without adding the social and economic hardships that may be associated with being born to a single parent.

  • I had hoped to accomplish my Doctoral Thesis in Rehabilitation Psychology on a comparable subject, excepting, since it pertains to expert athletes who are no longer in the limelight. I certainly really feel it’s a valid and interesting study!

  • HeatherNo1

    THIS is a perfect EXAMPLE of why it is *not*
    a moral wrong to STERILIZE BLACK MALES
    (while still others should be castrated) – and then
    then move on to also sterilize the black females.

    They are the ONLY group in history to contribute
    nearly NOTHING to society — other than violence,
    low brain-functioning offspring (who they, in their
    arrogance and ignorance, then force society to raise),
    leeching off of others, disease, sexual irresponsibility
    demands for preferential-treatment; constant-whining;
    and (as evidenced in case-after-case) double-standards.

    Even though there is the occasional, anomalous black
    who has honestly 'bootstrapped their way to the success'
    — everyone know that 99% of all of the black people, in
    general and all over the world, should simply be sterilized

    If our society considers itself to be “moral” then we all know
    that sterilization (and often castration) of the black male is
    the most decent, most moral choice we can make for them.

    The procedure is cheap and painless AND it helps prevent
    the arrival of innocent offspring being brought into a world
    where those who sired them care nothing about them and
    where they are forced to live as mental and moral inferiors.

    It’s a win-win for everyone involved and for the entire planet.

  • I’ve the same problem occasionally, but I generally just force myself via it and revise later. Great luck!

  • JOHN


  • Lady Rodriguez

    That whole strengthening and making me 'skrong' crap is a simple cop-out to make themselves feel better. It's kind of like deflecting when people wonder why they weren't espoused prior to breeding for a man.

  • This whole baby mama thing is very popular with African-Americans and they are the only ones who kind of put this kind of stuff on a pedestal when people of other races and cultures would never in a million years try to have a child before marriage with multiple women because that is just disgusting. It's sad that role models for black kids are people like Lil Wayne who have multiple baby mamas. He is a bad example for all blacks and no one should follow his footsteps, the problem is so many people do and that is why the black community is so behind in everything. Immigrants from other countries are more successful and more wealthy than blacks who have been living here since forever. There are some real issues in the black community and this baby mama thing is not helping.

  • CECE

    your article was great! i knw women trapped men but funny thing is i've gotten trapped twice!! i have been picked to be a babymomma! and i am constantly asked! i dont know what it is in the water but i hope it goes away! i get into relationships and think that its going to work only and the whole time they jus wanted me to have their baby and be their lady! but i don't wanna be married just because of my kids (2 boys) i think its unfair to them because i'd be livin a lie! but great article! i miss being selfish!

  • The Phantom

    Looks like dude touched a nerve with many of the girls posting here, LOL. I love it! It's funny how you read post after post about women complaining about men with children, but just as soon as a man gives his opinion on babymamas then they get pi##ed!

  • ashley

    I'm a woman that dates men, I'm happily in a relationship, but a man with a child would only be a dealbreaker if he 1. wasn't involved in his childs life. That is a sign that he doesn't care about the things he does and TCB, not interested, and he could have 100 kids around the globe for all you know, since his priorities do not lie with TCB 2. had ongoing drama with the mother. Unless he exhibited extreme patience with her and/or she is crazy, he could ahve potential, but I do not want some crazy lady in my business, I have a mom for that. o3. said disrespectful things about the mother. That is a sign that he is generally disrespectful towards all women, not cute. 4. Only provided financially, but not emotionally for the child. That is a sign of a detached man. If you can't love your seed right, how are you going to love me right? That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there are more. But generally, if a man is handling his I would not have a problem.

  • Kdubb

    @ ms molly: you are soo right. Its unfortunate some men are judgmental because a woman have kids. Well to set the record straight not all men feel that way. I think we should learn to see single mothers as a strong women instead of viewing them as people with baggage. Many females do not want it that way however if it happens they have to move on with life. The article should be stress the need for men to take care of their kids instead of running away like cowards…i read this b4.." anyone can b a father…takes a real man to be a daddy"….

    Not all men decides to leave..the mother of my child left but i make sure she's not a single mother..she's a single woman because i handle my business daily…and handling your business is more than paying child support..there are certain things money cannot buy…and those things are the priceless memories you can share with your child.

    • Lady Rodriguez

      I believe a 'strong woman' is one who although in a relationship, will not move in or shack up with a man that is not her husband. I believe a strong woman let's a man know in diplomatic fashion, what she will and will not put up with and although she might get lonely if he decides to leave, she will not compromise her beliefs/standards. She is not afraid of doing damage control. Why decide to be strong after your feet have been placed in the fire?

  • Jazmin

    Oh my goodness, I could have written this article, only I'd be talking about men. I love kids and I think it's great if people have them, but I personally don't want to date a man with kids. Baby mama's and daddy's cause drama, I am only 22 yrs old and don't need the stress. When you have a connection like that with someone, the possibility of you all getting back together or whatever is far greater than if you were just dating and broke up. Then if I were to date someone with kids he had better be taking care of those kids because nothing is worse IMO than a dead-beat-daddy. Which is why I choose to forgo the drama and just not date a "baby daddy".

  • buffie

    Im a babymomma by choice not because he didn't come with a ring but he came with b/s. My kids are 18 and 12 so i can really go in come when i please there A,B students and very good kids. Im not looking for a man to take care of my kids. But is it alot to ask to be a friend and something men don't no is that most women of a certain age that don't have kids its because they had so many abortions and std's that when you do get her she can't have kids. Black men need to learn family, look @ shaq his step father raised him alot of other black stars fathers left and the same men who didn't want that single mom wish they have successful kids. If the women was rich or had a rich kid you would date her. @bryan you may not be man enough to be with a women with no kids. I don't think a reletionship is a deal, you just want to lay up so you'll be a babydaddy soon.

  • Ms Molly

    I believe the title of this column should have been "HOW ONE BLACK MAN VIEWS BABYMAMA'S". I know plenty of men who are okay with dating a woman with children. By the way, how about you write an article about black men RAISING THEIR CHILDREN. Then you'd have LESS babymommas to choose from. I am a babymomma because my husband cheated on me, and then abandoned his child. The majority of black men are cowards, and feel like its okay to just WALK AWAY from there responsibilities. Don't make this all about women who may have "chose the wrong one". Well, He chose me! I didn't make this baby alone. We'd have less baggage if More Black MEN would step up and raise their kids as a family. IF more BLACK MEN WOULD MARRY the mother of their child. Please, You were raised in a single parent home, and if your werent, then YOUR LUCKY. But Sir, I was, and guess what? My father left my mother when I was 13 for another woman. He left me, my sister, and brother for another woman. He was married to my mother for 25 years. I witnessed it! So how bout you make an article about HOW STRONG SOME OF US ARE, HOW AMAZING some of us are holding on even though most of your brothers have abandoned their children. OR better yet, write an article about HOW AMAZING a black man is that can come in a womans life and help raise her children. Don't judge all of us.

    • Researchifudontknow

      You stated you are a baby momma, I beg to differ unless you had your child by someone else prior to getting married. You, Ms. Molly are considered an ex-wife and the mother of his child (I presume). Your husband cheated on you and you and him came to the amibicle agreement to divorce. Again you are not a baby momma by definition (according to your comments).
      And you are correct, let’s create an article about the philandering male and HIS Sexual prowness. Or the the Divorced/Widowed Black woman holding it down!

  • Bryan

    This article summed up the apprehension I feel about dating single moms. Call me immature if you will: however, I recognize and acknowledge my limits. Kids are a deal breaker for me.

  • Lola

    I was engaged to this man and he left me and the baby. So I am a future baby's mother. I can understand his point of view. But just because he won't date a "baby's mama" another man will. I am 29 years old and he left us and he is a preacher nonetheless. So I can see his ideas. But they are his ideas and the world is filled with millions of men that feel differently.

    So I wasn't just some girl sleeping with a man we were planning to get married and I got pregnant. He told me to have an abortion. I didn't and he left me.

    • Researchifudontknow

      Yes you were. You cant take your situation and make it into a “grey area” meaning he was going to marry me. Let me ask you this question, Did you and him get married? If the answer is no, then you Ms are a Baby Mama! Sorry but it is the truth

  • solar

    As a single 30 Something year old educated black man, the author vocalizes a lot of what we think. Yes, agreed not all single mothers are created equal. Yes, most men without kids, appreciate the difference between the divorced mother/(widowed mother) and the lady who has kids just because she had known a dude for a while. I also believe that as 30-something yr old men we also don't dump all of the single mothers who don't fall into the divorced/widowed category as one. Yes, I always thought that I wouldn't & largely still think I wouldn't date a single mother. However, I realize now that I actually may be more apt to date a single mother who had her kids while she was younger versus the Baby Mama that had her kid at 26/27/28/29/30+ by then you are old enough and wise enough to understand what that situation is about. I feel absolutely no single childless upwardly mobile guy should date that 26/27/28/29/30+ that is Baby Mama #1,2,3,4,5 she obviously doesn't know how to make good decisions. If at such advanced age she is making those decisions to have her first kid by a guy with multiple Baby Mama's then why would any self respecting guy take you seriously when you dont take yourself seriously. I'd ask myself, is there something dude knows, that I don't. So single mothers (excludes divorced/widowed) enough about telling us your education status etc nobody cares about that you are not the most desirable of the bunch to date. You come with baggage, why not try harder to make it work with your baby daddies?

  • Gavin

    I was a single mother when I married my current husband, but I would agree with the author. I would not want my son marrying a woman with a kid. I want him to have his own family. In my situation, my husband and I have already experienced our own families in our prior marriages and we want our kids to experiece that too. The woman financial standing does not weigh on this discision nor is the fact that she might be single as a result of a divorce.

  • Mia

    He just feels that way because he comes from a broken home and it messed up his mind. He obviously had an "awkard and unhealthy environment' as a child. #kickrocks

  • Welllll…on the flipside, if you date a woman with kids, at least you know she's a woman**shrugs**

  • just saying

    He feels dating someone with kids is comparable to dating someone with baggage.Maybe if he literally had no balls he might be thinking differently.

  • Odetta

    i see things like this: have educated, pretty, single, childless friends and friends that are all the above with children, none are married! Both sides still date men that end up not being a match and both sides have lonely times too. I've had some relationships before i met my son's father and none ended in marriage. i say all this to say once again, whats for you will be regardless of your situation. just because you have a masters, own a home, drive your own flyy ride and think you are walking around here the object of Drake's Fancy song doesnt mean your man(if you have 1) is treating you any different than a man is treating a woman with kids. puhhhleaase..but u can believe that if you want too LMAO!!

  • pai

    If you are divorced, widowed etc. and have children, that's an entirely different situation.

  • pai

    Most men don't want ready made families, it's true ladies. Wait until you're married to start having babies, now that the old school way, and some things never change.

  • The Good Guy

    I for one agree with what the author is saying but I also know that it is only as good as you make it. In my younger years I dated nothing but single black women. And most of the relationships were bad, they wanted to party and club weekly while I prefered to chill with my woman. I never saw myself dating a girl with children until I first meet this one girl. After a one night stand we continued to talk, i knew she had children but,it was this relationship that made me choose better when talking to women with children. This girl was 21, three kids and no type of edcation whatsoever. She could barely keep a job and moved monthly from projects to projects. It wasn't until about after 2 weeks, the real problems started her baby dady, aka husband, was getting out of jail early, when I was told he was doing 20 years and he is out after 3 months. That didn't last and I called it quits just to much badgage . Then I meet this one girl that had one child and was 3 months away from finishing her Rn degree. She had herself together, she took care of herself and child and no baby daddy. We continued to talk and eventually turned into a relationship, I became a positive male figure for her daughter and it changed my view on marragie, and now it's been 6 months and she is now my wife. I treat her daughter like my daughter and we are lving a good life together. Every man want be as me, every woman want be like my wife, some women just have to many babies and some to many baby daddies, no real man with something to offer wants to take on that much baggae. But some of that can be determine by the age of the woman, how many kids, the baby daddy situation and education. Shouldn't no man want to take on a woman with a lot of kids and no education, McDonalds my pay good but when you add in 3 to 4 more mouths to feed monthly that check starts to look a little small.

  • MoneyNeverWaitedforM

    lol…The author is entitoled to his opinions…shesh…take the sticks out of your bums and relax

  • Ms. T

    The author is ignorant and immature….and so are a lot of you guys, smdh.

  • Xman116

    Bottom line the chick already started the family without you and it is YOUR choice to decide to make something with her or not. I love how women on here want to say don't judge me because I had a kid out of wedlock. Please no one cares that you did, its just we are not going to put ourselves in a situationa and have to deal with you and your baggage if we don't want to. Seems to me like a lot of women are just mad because their pickings are even slimer because they made poor choices and thus think they should still have the same options as a woman who is single with no children. Lastly a degree is not going to do anything for us either when it comes to you being a baby mama. The fact is you are a baby mama whether you make money or not. Alot of chicks really need to get off that crap of oh I have a degree and I make money……So…..You still have a kid that we may or may not want to deal with.

    Don't get me wrong, being a widow is different to an extent. However a baby mama is a baby mama nonetheless.

  • (SBF)single black fe

    Wow..first of all the article is from a young man who obviously has never been in love with someone which makes the author clueless to real life situations. Secondly, I am teaching my children(boys) not to get involved with a women who does not have here self together, this goes for any type of women, a divorcee, a baby mama, a strong independent, etc. If men were simply taught to step up and be just that then you would not have to worry about, baby mama's, strong willed women, and or divorcee. Men are so afraid that their little nest will be threatened by some worthless female who is simply out to retire on their fortune. Rightfully so, however, like the other respondant mentioned you can put every one in the same box. (SBF) By the way I am a widow, so where would you place me…exactly!!!!!! Don't judge a book by the cover people…

  • internalbeauty

    @Miracle ,

    the next time you want to quote Bible verses please include the ones that are against premarital sex. if you're going to use the Bible might as well use it in it's entirety, right?


  • Renee'

    He is generalizing. A woman could have had a relationship with a man and choose not to end her pregnancy. How does this make her lesser in his eyes. Sure I can relate to the potential problems. But look at that word..Potential.. He wants to be able to move freely. That is his choice. However before some men look over a Single Mom remember some of these women are more settled in a way many Single women are not. Depending on the type of woman she is she is more likely to be more family oriented. Cooking for her family, cleaning, knowing how to make a sacrifice or two, working hard, not quitting a job because of trivial office politics. A Single Mom who loves her children, loves her family can be an answered prayer to a man who has been PLAYED OVER. Now to be perfectly fair they're are situations where the woman is still attatched to the father, the kids dislike the new man, sponaiety factor..nill, and just in it for money. In those cases LOOK FOR ANOTHER. However do not generalize, do not belittle, do not feel as though Childless Single Women are better. Single or Single Mother's all have merit, and can GIVE LOVE. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU.

  • Not Interested

    And by the way, black men commit to black women in relationships. The young lady who commented about her pregnancy and her child's father not committing to her is an idiot. Just because your WHITE friends are married at 25 means nothing. For starters, why are WHITE women married at 25? Maybe because they make MARRIAGE a priority and know how to treat their mates! Black women will claim they want to get married yet don't act like it. Black women claim to be the most loyal yet have the highest rates of divorce per race in the United States. The average 21-25 year old black woman is ill equipped to conduct a healthy marriage. To busy shaking and grinding in the nightclubs or laying on their backs.

  • Not Interested

    You women trip me out! Instead of simply taking this article for what it is: A gentleman's opinion of single mothers. You choose to come on here a boast about your so called accomplishments. If you were so successful you wouldn't have had a baby out of wedlock! So you can have all the academic DEGREES in the world. It still does not mask the fact that you are a BABY MOMMA and no man wants to date you or your annoying children! Comments on here like " I choose not to date at this time" really mean " No man wants to date me or my children". Ladies, and I use this term loosely, get real!

  • Odetta

    First, let me start by saying that everyone is entitled to their standard of dating. The author made very valid points. Even though I have a son and was not married but would like to one day I completely understand why a person wouldn’t want to date a person with children. I happen to be in a situation where it isn’t entirely stereotypical or what some may perceive as such. The father of my son and I do not hate each other and we do try to work together to make sure our son has a balance. I do not interfere with his relationships and when I am ready to have a serious one of my own he will not interfere with mine. I do feel that it is very important to be married b4 choosing to have a baby, that was my plan. I was 31 when I had my son, I waited, had never been pregnant. My goal was to wait but then I changed my mind and chose to have my beautiful boy. So all I can say is everyone has a right to their opinion. It’s ok. I have learned so much from my decision. I have learned to not have any more children out of wedlock and not for reasons that the author stated but because my children deserve to have bother parents in the home. I also have learned to prioritize my life and to not settle for anything. I’ve learned to love in a way that I never would have if it weren’t for this experience so at least I can proudly say it was not in vain. I have learned to take responsibility for my own actions and to not always blame the man. I just don’t think these learning experiences would have occurred if I hadn’t chosen to have my son. Or perhaps they would have but a lot later in life. I have also learned to be patient, what God has for me is for me and no one can take that from me. The author does not affect my life or future it is simply his opinion so anyone offended especially single mothers don’t even trip. What’s yours will be yours and no one can stop that but you.. Stay Blessed.

  • miracle

    Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment- John 7:24 ESV

    ALSO: Romans 2:3 ESV

    Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?

    I am a single mother not by choice- was betrayed and emotionally abused by a man who i believed truly cared and loved me for years- yes i made misktakes with him but i have learnt from them- if a man cannot repsect me as a woman and appreciate the good in me as i am today without that past then they do not have a place in my life. the same goes for any woman who refers to me as thus- i have been more than a woman in the whole situaiton and i ask for no applaud from the world- God knows who i am and when the right person comes along they will see me for who i am today not who i was or what i went through to become a mother out of wedlock-

    I do not refer to my daughter's father as a baby- daddy and i dont know if he calls me baby mama or not- i do not care as i do not surround myself with him or his associates, but i will not partake in that disrespect that the world upholds- ultimately it then disresepcts my daughter to label us with such titles that imply negatively-

    life is about choices- if a man chooses to not be with me cos of my daughter thats fine- someone out there will (or not) and that is fine- rather leave me alone than waste my time hurting me or playing with me- life is too short. at the end of the day all that matters is my daughter and me.

    God knows our hearts and sees what we do and why we do it.

  • Afowl

    I will say that you and others are entitles to your preferences. However, the derogatory connotation that you and other have placed on the term “baby mama” is in itself insulting. As a single educated mother blessed w/ twin boys who holds a Master’s degree, and owns her own 4-bd/2-1/2bath home w/ a pool, and is currently working on my PhD, with an income in the upper $80-thousand per year; it is a choice that I have made that dating right now is simply not something that I am interested in at this time. I find making sure that my son’s get to their karate, fencing, and tennis practice and tournaments on time is more important to me than whether or not a guy will or will not be interested in me because GOD saw fit to bless me with these two handsome, incorrigible, energetic and loving little beings. Yes, I was raised in a 2-parent household and I would be the first to say that my situation was not my first option; however, never in a million years would I say or allow anyone else to infer that my children were by any means a mistake. Those “ladies” and “gentlemen”, and I use these term loosely simply by the venom they are spewing, who have commented and had the audacity to try and belittle someone else who isn’t as “perfect” as them in not falling pregnant, to grow up and reeducate themselves because their lack of maturity, compassion, and faith is truly showing.

  • The Truth

    I can only respect the author's decision and I am so super happy that he knows what he wants before getting involved with someone. However, what he failed t realize is that he is not a "Baby Daddy" by the Grace of God. You see he stated, "I’ve spent a good majority of my adult life trying not to have a baby mama". This insist that he is sexually active before marriage and luck out of a 'mistake' only by the grace of God. People anytime you laid down with someone, regardless of birth control, you can become pregnant. In fact studies show that women are become pregnant more times than they think but the pregnancy terminates shortly after conception and is confused for a menstrual period. Again, so its by Grace you are not a "baby Daddy". In addition, as a woman I would know if I have ever been pregnant. A man could have a child by the 'wrong woman' and not even know of the child. Not to mention the men who are childless since having a couple of abortions. …… Again, I respect the man's preferences but know that you could be like me, I have a child and was on birth control, but its by God's Grace that you aren't a 'baby daddy' not by your will becuase you have premartial sex!

  • Bianca, thats who

    He he he, i love it when silly women who cant or wont use birth control, but still wants to shag like a rabbit gets pregnant and gets offended when sane bc ppl like me call them stupid. CLEARLY this article is not referecing ppl who are single parents due to divorce or death but the pre-meditated victims, u ALL chose to have these mistakes, live with it.

  • Leali

    Not every criminal, loser or baby mama/daddy is from a single parent home. I would suggest that many people who are not being productive members of society are from 2 Parent homes. I'm a "Baby mama" and proud! My parents are still married and have been for 36 years, before I was born. I have great kids that I fully expect to be quality adults who will make good decisions. I f they don't I would not expect anyone to decide it is only because of my parenting. American needs to stop blaming evolving ideas for the problems within their society. There are many societies that have single parents and it is never an issue. In my humble opinion the problem is that of generalizing and passing the buck. Every child is a blessing realized or not. Those of us strong enough to take on that responsibility should get some credit instead of saying "that's what's wrong with the world". To try and fail is better than doing nothing and saying I have succeeded….at what? Nothing, lol! I know I am judged on many fronts and I often hear “you don't look like a single parent”. We can interchange look with, sound, dress, or behave etc. I am educated, travelled and successful, all as a single parent. I know many people who have prescribed to societal norm and couldn't accomplish any of the things I have. People will Judge, but we all know what happens in the end. Unknown. To the author here this is NOT what black men in America believe, this is what he believes. Just as every person wants to be judged by their merits, so do single parents. Dating yes is hard, nothing this man said is purely false but baby mama is not mutually exclusive form wonderful wife, mother or person.

  • Danyell


    I completely agree with you especially the last phrase of the last paragraph..

  • Tamara

    You generalized all "Baby Mommas to be one that "happen to get pregnant" and many times that is not the case. Contrary to what you believe, myself and my daughter's father were together for six years and lived together for four years before we broke up. It simply didn't work out. I am now his Daughter's mother and we have no drama. He takes care of his share of responsibiltiy as her father and I do the same as a mother. I have worked full time for the past 11 years for the same company. I also have a B.S. in Computer Information Systems as well as a M.A in Teaching. I have my own place as well as my own car. So before you categorize all "Baby Momma's" as simply an ordeal out of convience, know that there are young, intelligent, fine, smart single mothers out there doing the damn thang!

  • Miss Jones26

    ^^^^^^ I meant to say the article was about an author posting his "PERSONAL OPINION" ABOUT DATING A SINGLE MOTHER……^^^^

  • internalbeauty

    @ Cristina

    if this means anything to you my condolences for your loss but i think the author was talking about women who have children out of wedlock, not the widows and divorcees. take care of yourself and those babies!

  • Cristina

    This article is very hurtful. I am a single mother of four. I was a WIFE!!! My husband was killed by a drunk driver and now I am a young single minority mother! Before you write such an article please take into consideration how one became a single mother. In my case I AM NOT NO BABY MAMA AND I DO NOT HAVE A CRAZY BABY DADDY as you term in your article. I such before writing such a piece look at the whole big picture and analyze every aspect of the situation. I loved being a wife by the way and because of an idiot driving drunk he destroyed my world.

  • BlackCowboyStudBrett

    'Baby Mama' is SUCH A GHETTO


  • sugaplum

    I personally wouldn't want to settle down with a guy with a kid or kids. Who wants that? Than I have to deal with the baby mama drama and so on. So for those that don't want to date a woman with kids well the feelings are mutual because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who is getting his check garnished for child support. It goes both ways.

  • black nationalist

    Internalbeauty. Let me see some pics and I'll think about it if you don't have any kids. Lol.

  • internalbeauty

    @black nationalist

    when are we getting married?


  • wowzer07

    Black women are not the only women that are single moms. Statistics do lie and they always show all black people in a negative manner. There are single moms in every race. I know many children who grew up with both parents who turned out to be horrible people. Some of their parents happen to be preachers and sanctified. Just because you are married and have children doesn't mean that your child is going to grow up a be productive. A man has a right to choose not to date a woman with children.

  • feburn

    Wow! How small minded of you to think that single mothers are the result of sleeping around, messing with no good men, and having no self esteem! I am a mother and the only reason I'm single is because I'm divorced! My children were born during a marriage and their father is the best father a child could ask for. To put every woman who has a child and is not married into your small-minded box shows your immaturity. And, it sounds like your mother was a single parent so it just goes to show how much you respect her!

  • LocLoverJD

    I am not at all offended by this article. BUT I am not in love with the term babymama. It seems like we should be able to come up with something better. HOWEVER, I think single men have the right to make these kinds of decisions about who they date. Just like it is acceptable for someone to say: type X is not my preference. I only date type Y.

    It can't be personal. It is about preference. The reasons laid out for not dating women with children are valid and almost responsible. In the least, they are legitimate reasons for protecting himself when dating and hooking up!

    Besides there are plenty of men that do not mind dating women with children.

  • lawbrat97

    I'm not surprised at all by this article…

    I don't date black American men, so their opinions are useless. Nor would I want one to assume the role of father for my children-if I ever have any. If you are a single mother-that's awesome. Your children appreciate all that you do. Besides single mothers, do you you really want a 'little, small minded man' holding you back?

    For the choir….what does being married have to do with anything thing? Married husbands cut out too! I know, you like the title…


    I didn't read the entire article, but to hear a man say that he didn't want a baby Mama was enough for me to say that I have nothing but respect for him. Too bad girls and Women don't have some RESPECT for their self and stop the drama of having babies without being married.

  • AcceptedException

    I’m a 30 something y.o. children’s mother (no baby’s mama); my children don’t live with me. Two are 18 and 20 and the 12 y.o. lives with his dad and dad’s new family(wife and her kids from a previous relationship). Every situation is different. I must admit I made a lot of bad choices during my younger days and I’m still paying for them. But who are you to judge me? and why? We are a group of African-Americans(family members arrived to the U.S. on Slave Ships) who just don’t believe in sticking together. Do caucasian men go around calling their children’s mommas or somebody elses children’s mother, babymamas? The same fellow who started this blog can find a wife, have children and she decides she doesn’t want him anymore…then what? You’re so damn right -It is your choice. Truly I feel we have a lot of weak African-American men who don’t support this class of women, wholeheartedly. Our men cheat so much; It is so accepted by society.
    It was 100% MY choice to leave my sons’ father. It was MY choice to leave a life of drug addiction and a toxic relationship. A man I became unhappy with after the children. I’ve been achieving greatness ever since! Before you go judging a book by its cover read the prelude, better yet the summary.

  • webcrawler

    I'm a single parent of 3 children. I appreciate a man being honest and saying he doesn't want to date a single mother. What I don't appreciate is men who act as if single mothers are just good for sex. The "hit and quit it" mentality. I had guys who approached me and said they were interested in sex, but not a relationship because they didn't want to be anyone's daddy.

    I have pretty much lost faith in dating and will be waiting until my youngest child is in college before I date again.

    • middygreen

      Hey if youre fine enough and willing hell yeah but no relationships

  • really919

    I am a 30 yo AA female w/o children and ,unlike some of the nouveau negroes commenting, I do not think that the fact that I don’t have kids makes me more desirable. I also think that the attitude of some of the childless people in this forum about sibgle parents is appalling. I’m not going to act like I’ve never been in a situation where it may have been a possibility – things happen, condoms break, antibiotics are the devil and unless you aren’t having sex, I suggest you sweep around your own front door before you judge these women. A lot of single people w/o children are just that because they have no qualms about flushing their responsibilities down the toilet. I used to work at an abortion clinic and believe me there weren’t a plethora of married women or “baby mamas” coming in – it would be those of you who turned your nose up like your ish don’t stink and quick to suggest that you were somehow “smarter” about your situation. Everything done in the dark comes to light and while you may slide by in this life, we all have to answer for ourselves in the end.

    • middygreen

      We are smarter

  • soulseal

    I am a woman in my late 20"s and I do not have a child, and I too prefer to date men with out children….It is just easier, Its sad but I recently just got out of a relationship with a man with baby mama drama. I don't think anyone should be upset about a man choosing to wait for marriage to have children with his wife. I personally am doing the same thing (waiting to have children with my husband) and have been, and that is why I do not have any children yet… It should not be rare in the black community that women are waiting to have children until there married. We are all adults and know how babies are made, its about being responsible

  • Suga

    This type of situation is diffcult sometimes depending on the person your getting to know..So yes its best to make good choices in whom you make come in contact with.That type of thing can be to crazy for you…lol.

  • @Kellicole

    This actually was the article telling folks to NOT use the term "baby mama." And I didn't say/write that all women with kids out of wedlock are "baby mamas" you assumed/said that. I spoke on baby mamas, then switched gears to speak on women with kids and my personal aversion (for lack of a better term at the moment—long day). I also said that I'd be open to dating the right woman that happened to have kids, but like most people without kids they just don't jump at the prospect of someone with kids. As with anything you have to judge the situation and more importantly the person before going there. All I was was honest.

    Appreciate your input nonetheless

    • Everyone has a right to date whom they please. If you only want to date women without children then I say go for it. I don’t date men who are under 5’10”. Thats my preference. I was a single mom with my son but I married my daughter’s father. My son is in 3rd yr of electrical apprenticeship and age 21 my daughter graduated with honors at 18 and is getting tons of scholarship money for college in the fall. Too different situations, two great kids. Why? Because both their fathers and I did the hard work of parenting. I have been divorced for years now but have no problem with men wanting to date me because I am attractive with a great personality and am financially stable. The men I’ve dated wanted to marry or live with me but I declined. There is no shortage of men for a woman that has her stuff together.

  • kellcole

    I am a single woman with no children, and I am offended by this article. Although, I would prefer to to be in a relationship with a man without children (simply because I would like for it to be a shared 1st experience for both of us) I do not think anything less of a baby's daddy and would not deny him because of that. All women who are "baby's mammas" are NOT JUST A WOMAN SOMEONE GOT PREGNANT. Some are ex-wives, and ex girlfriends where there was once love and a relationship that just didn't work out. You are probably going to miss out on someone because of your views. Maybe you should try writing an article about why MEN should stop using the term Baby mama.

  • Pingback: Baby Mama: You Are Appreciated « Madame Noire()

  • mis_understood

    Well I feel as though women in general should not be viewed that way. There are strong SINGLE women who are able tackle a relationship and parenting and not let them clash.

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  • OakTownHoney

    I am a thirty-something, professional, educated, unwed mother with a teenager. I believe we outnumber females with no children, however, unfortunate.

    I often meet single men with no kids at networking events, the gym and church who often stare in amazement when they are made aware that (1) I have a child and (2) I am single and unmarried.

    I made the hard decision (after not making a good one) to trade-off dating to focus on my career and my child's development over the years, as opposed to making myself available for another man and trying to intergrate him into our world. Mainly, it has been difficult because of our busy schedules with sports, school and work events. However, it has been rewarding to see her develop into a smart, dynamic, young woman. I think that would have been compromised had I focused my energy on making myself available for a single man who isn't guaranteed to be around long-term. My child is not going anywhere, but a man can up and leave at anytime – married or not. Been there, done that.

    Her father, who is educated, involved in our daughter's life -physically and financially, happens to not be crazy and chose to marry outside of his race. That was his preference and although it initially hurt on so many levels, I managed to grow and move on from this experience.

    It can be lonely at times, not having a companion to make plans with outside of the sporadic lunch appointments or corporate evening events. I assume single people with no kids, must also find themselves in this place sometime, too. But, I believe not moving forward with a serious relationship until she is reviewing college acceptances, makes life a little less complicated for all parties that could potentially be involved in one hot mess.

    In a few short years I will be single again and ready to mingle. This time I will be equipped with wisdom acquired over years past. For all of the above, I am a better woman and continue to hold on to the thought of being the wife of a wonderful man in the not-so-distant-future.

    Just one proud baby mama's opinion!

  • Angela

    I am a 25 year old single mom with a son who is almost 2. while i do understand why many think this article is offensive, it didnt upset me….everyone has a preference and it seems that as black women we always seem to get upset when we are not included in a black man's preferences such as black men who date outside their race or black men who wont date a single mom…im not ashamed of my son and WILL NEVER be made to feel that i am inadequate because of him. If the author prefers a woman with no kids thats his business…i see it as no different than me prefering dark-skinned "brothas"….what i think was most offensive about the article are the stereotypes that he projects on to single moms….not every single mom has crazy, nosey baby daddy( i haven't spoken to mines in over a year)….and not every single mom is looking for someone who will take care of them and their kid(s)(i work 40+ hours a week and go to school so i can do that for myself)…and as for some of these women who are saying insulting things about single moms like we want people to pity us or like we all have multiple children with multiple men and (my personal favorite) that normal black men with out children wouldn't want to date a single mom…i find that comment incredibly funny since the man i am seeing is a hard-working, handsome, "normal" black man with NO KIDS…he doesnt look at me as just someone's baby mama…He sees the hard-working, strong woman that i am who was trying to make something out of her life before he walked into it and will continue to do the same if he ever chooses to walk out of it! So to all the single moms who were even remotely hurt by this author's words: Realize that there is someone for everyone and while i wouldn't encourage having a baby out of wedlock, its not the end of the world! We can still be classy, educated women and we should never settle for less that what we feel we deserve!

    • Truth

      But you did

      • Sherae Renee’

        Lmao! You crack me up!

  • lyla

    The man is honest and no one should feel offended by his personal choice.Single,childless people have every right to choose single,childless partners.

    Sometimes I think women fail to listen what a man is saying because it's not what they want to hear.That's one reason why so many of them are baby-mamas.

  • Wow. That's some hard truth. As as a now-married "baby momma," women should take heed to this man's point of view.

    That said, one HAS to ask the question: do you plan on marrying someone out of your race, because 75% of black children are born out of wedlock. And…black women are not getting pregnant all by themselves.

    I wrote about this in an essay, "No Wedding, No Womb." Here's the gist of it: I firmly believe that more shame should be directed toward black men who glorify marriage-free baby making in both word and deed.

    As Khadija pointed out in her recent post, “Magical Thinking About Sex,” many black women settle for ‘baby mamma status’ as a direct result of feeling desperate to keep their “good black man.” This “only a brotha” mindset grants a gross power imbalance and allows black men to exploit the their female counterparts. How many women reading this have been told by a black man that he doesn’t like wearing condoms because he wants to “feel everything?”

    How many women, desperate to keep that man, acquiesced? I could go on with a few examples, but… do I really need to?

  • flo

    The solution to the baby mama drama is:

    BIRTH CONTROL!!!!! USE IT!!!!!

  • bluesspeakwoman

    Famous last words…somebody's baby's mama is going to turn you out! LOL. I think this post reflects your inexperience more than anything else. I, a single mother, would say the same thing about men raised without their fathers. They tend to be too idealistic in relationships; they don't have a sense of give and take. Even further, they speak well but don't communicate well. Is it possible that the single parent situation reminds you too much of your (painful) childhood?

    • Truth

      Uhhhh, dumbass…I think so. That’s why they want nothing to do with baby moms. Growing up fatherless sets you up for all types of disadvantages, the most dangerous being poverty you moron. Now I know baby moms like you have no real goals and have to resort to basic biological functions to feel complete, but don’t speak…you sounded terribly stupid. There used to be a time ppl like u would be too afraid to speak in fear of sounding retarded, but I see one or two losers with similar moronic views concerning relationships may have empowered you, but you’re surprisingly outnumbered here.You’re not even smart enough to know how stupid u sound

  • Gabulous

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Having said that I am a proud single mother that would rather date a responsible man that has a child. The "baggage" that you refer to it actually a badge of honor that for most has molded the parent into a better (and wiser) person. To me I need to be with someone that has a little more experience in life. I have a son and don't want to raise a man. P.S. some of us don't have drama (ie., widows and such) so please don't label us like that.

  • lovelyuonsweetz

    I would just like to say that I don't have a problem finding a man either way; with or without children because I know who I am and I know my self worth and I bring a lot to the table. I do have to say the tone of the blog is a little offense but I agree with you to a degree.

    I understand what you are saying and I am an AA single mother. I have said the same thing about men with out children!!! I only date men with a MAX of one child that he is required to take care of and be involved in that child's life…men with twins get a pass but that's it. I hate dealing with more than one baby mama and it shows a lack of responsiblity in my book. I totally understand where you are coming from because that is how I feel about men without children. Some of you (I'm generalizing so don't get upset) are really inmature, selfish, needy, irresponsible, childish, and greedy. I personally do not like to date men like you b/c you give me headaches. Most times you don't understand that my time is valuable and I don't have a lot of it (I'm in school full time working on 2 bachelors degrees, single mother of a beautiful 2 year son, part time job, starting my own business and I am all of 22 years old). I can't stand the blowing up of my phone, getting upset when I can't spend time with you, not understanding that my son comes first, and the space I need to get to know you before I invite you into my life with my child. We are a package (I don't like that term baggage because my son is far from a piece of luggage and I know SINGLE WOMEN WITH OUT CHILDREN who are worthless and have baggage for days…) but I am slow to allow people in to our lives anyway and if I ever decide to date a man with out a child he has to be understanding and not only wants to be apart of my only my life but son's as well. Now I know there are a lot of single men with out children that are big enough to step up to the plate to deal with a woman with a child but I don't fault the men who are not. You are single and have nothing tied to you…live your life and don't worry about what single mothers with children say or think about it.

    Oh…and to the ppl who want to lump All single mothers up in to hood rat baby mama stereotype…I am FAR from it. I grew up in the burbs great educated mother (single family home, parents got divorced when I was about 5) with 3 degrees (my mother has Dr. in front of her name…doctorate in education), I was an honors student who fell in love got engaged (was engaged for a year before I even got pregnant and I was on B.C. so I don't know what some of ya'll are talking about with this bullshyt unprotected sex thing…smh) and decided that the best thing for me and my future and my son's future was to not be invovled with his father. That does not mean that I take anything away from my son's father, he is a good guy but we can not be together. I made that choice. He didn't leave me I left him. He sometimes wants to try again but until he does some growing up we can not. I am far from irresponsible and I'm a great mother so I'm going to need for some of ya'll not to throw stones at ALL single mothers. Some of us handle our business well and made the choice to do this by ourselves. So I'm just asking that some of you use your words wisely and say something like "some women" or "not all but most"…something to that effect. Thank you!!!! <3

  • Kai

    I think its really sad that so many women got mad at the author for stating his preference. I understand exactly where he is coming from. I refuse to date a man with children because I don't have any. My question is ( to single mothers) why would you want a man that doesn't want to deal with your children? Focus on the men that don't mind dating a woman with children. They are out there.

  • Kristalisadime

    Well speaking as a black, single 25 y/o woman without any children, in my dating experiences I have found it quite difficult to even locate a black man without a baby mother and I also get the astonished looks from others once I tell them that I do not have any children. I also have hopes of getting married and want children of my own but sometimes feel the need to settle for guys that already have children, either that or be lonely!!!

  • anita

    @SigBat – I don't date often, as I work full-time and have a very active preschooler who is my priority, but I do meet men all the time that are interested in dating me that realize that (GASP) I have a child. Like I mentioned previously, most men that you meet are unwed parents themselves once you reach a certain age.

    What bothers me most about this article and some of the comments is the presumptious tone of the remarks.

    The only people qualified to speak on and maybe even judge on the subject are those who are abstinent until married. There is no f00l-proof method of birth control and the only way to avoid finding yourself an unwed parent is to wait until you are married to have sex. If the author and those that agree with him fall in that category, props to you.

    I, myself, was 37 when I got pregnant and I probably had similar feelings as the author on the subject. Feeling a little full of myself for not being a statistic, attaining a BA and an MA and working in corporate America, and taking care of mine. But I was also an ADULT in a relationship who chose to have sex and happened to get pregnant.

    Of course I wanted things to work out with her father, but life doesn't always work out as planned. I didn't CHOOSE to be a baby's mama, I CHOSE my child.

    • RealWords

      and you also CHOSE not to protect your self better. you CHOSE not to plan. Therefore, you CHOSE to be a babymama. No matter how much make-up you put on a pig, its still a pig.

  • The Don

    I never understood why this ruffled so many feathers. its the same as height or wang size. if there are two brothers that have the same amount of money, personality and looks the one with the bigger peice and tallest will get choose period. If there are two women of equal standing one with child one with out the childless woman will get choose period. Just like some women wont date a brother under 5'5 some men dont date women with child. Does that mean that midget mack is a bad person….no just not dateable.

  • IJS

    I understand the author's point of view I am a thirty something female unmarried and without children! I know a rarity and most people are shocked. I just realized that I wanted to be married to the father of my children and when I say "ask you daddy" they will be going down the hall, the next room, not another address. I have dated men with a child or children and honestly I would much rather date someone with out children. It seems like less drama in my opinion…I understand that divorce or death can cause someone to be a single parent; howver I really don't think that is what the author was referring to…IJS

  • SigBat

    Where as I don't have a real problem with the SUBSTANCE of anything the author has written here, I think I can see why this article is offensive to many single mothers: a lot of what is written here is written in a sort of insensitive or deliberately provocative manner. I wonder if this article was edited that way to elicit responses and readership.

    I mean just look at the title. It implies an article about the way "men" feel, but it is really just an opinion piece referencing the feelings of only one man…the author. He doesn't even bother giving stories about how his friends or any other men he knows feels.

    I don't discount the author's feelings, but I think this whole thing was engineered to generate an emotional response from women.

  • Clarkekent3000

    one man does not a consensus make!

  • aleximaq

    The writer of this article is obviously small minded and thinks he has some clue as to what God has planned out for his life. It cracks me up when young African Americans (not Blacks) have come so far from everything that they feel as though they don't have to deal with certain things. Pretty soon this young man will realize that dating a woman with no kids is going to bring about as much drama as dating a woman with kids. Just different types of crap. I have a 12 year old son. I have been raising him alone since he was born. He has been in the same room with his "father" about 5 or 6 times in his life and one of those times was so we could all get the genetic testing done. So, I have never had to walk around with the moniker "baby mama". Just mom. I will admit that I don't like to date men that don't have children because of this very reason. This man writing this article must not be aware of things like divorce or death that can lead he himself to being a single father "with baggage" one day. I just think this is one of the reasons we as Black men and women are having such a hard time in relationships and that right before out eyes, the Black family is disappearing……

    • sam

      The black family is disappearing because children are being conceived out of wedlock. Those of us that choose to fornicate should do so while using birth control and condoms. Women must also raise their standards and refuse to bed Mr. Wrong just because he has a warm body.

  • SigBat


    So how is your dating life now?

  • anita

    I'm a (GASP) unwed mother and I'm very comfortable with that. I have no desire or inclination to marry my father's daughter, and that works fine for us.

    While I appreciate the author's honesty, he need to remember that he, being a single black man with no children is a rarity.

    I was in my late 30s by the time I had my daughter and most of the men I met had children, so I have no worries about the majority of men sharing the author's sentiments, especially since they are single parents themselves.

    • middygreen

      Not that rare (GASP) I nore 2 of my brothers have any

  • SigBat


    To take it to the reverse level I remember when I was a lot poorer. I never approached my love life with the attitude "I think all attractive women should date me despite the fact I am poor." I understood I was missing some of the desireable qualities of a partner. I wasn't happy being poor and knew I had to do something about it or accept the partner choices that I did have. During that time I did things that I thought would make me more appealing despite not having a lot of money. To this day, a skill that I still have despite now having more money is that I am great at giving massages. I might have developed that skill no matter what but it was important to have to make up for not being wealthy at the time. It is like anything else you do if you are not model-handsome, or have a huge package, or whatever appeals to women.

    Nobody felt sorry for me and said "oh poor baby…those girls should date you despite your impovershment". Why should we be saying that for these single mothers? They have what they wanted….the child(ren). I do NOT feel sorry for them. And incidentally I am sure plenty of those women DO try to make up for their inability to have flexibility in dating by developing other appealing characteristics. That's just what life is about.

  • Ron Ron

    Who needs baby mama drama???? So many men who get with a baby mama and help raise her kid(s) are eventually told "you ain't my daddy!!!". I too am free and single with no kids and boy am I loving it!!!

  • sholla21

    I agree with NWSO. I don't bring that kind of baggage in a relationship.

    I see no reason why I would have to deal with the consequences of someone else's choices.

    Those who think people who won't date single parents are missing out on something are wrong.

    Everyone's intitled to their preferences. And for some of us, a person who's shackled to an ex girlfriend and raising a child that's not ours is simply not a desirable mate.

    It is what it is.

  • @Ayoka

    If that were to happen I would have no other option but to accept it. And why not, I clearly understand the concept. lol.

    I'm someone that doesn't ask from others what I don't expect from myself.

  • Ayoka

    Like the blog, totally comprehend the idea of "single" freedom and wanting to have a relationship started on your terms–not another man's previous terms. Question for you though, if you had a kid out of wedlock with one of the fancy free single gals you prefer and she decided not to marry you, would you want to be passed oover by all the cute single women as relationship material because you now come with "baggage"? Just a thought.

  • Mimi

    I think when there is a headline that reads "How Black Men View Baby Mamas", there is going to be some feathers that are ruffled. But, i am going to chalk it up to being one of those headlines that is suppose to lure in the readers.

    I always hated the term "baby mamas" or "baby daddy" and I am not even a mother.

    I guess I am the lone member of "single and child-less who could date a single father" club. I am firm believer in "never say never" so when it comes to dating men, I prefer to keep my options open. The only thing I won't accept from a single father is lack of responsibility.

    • Truth

      Mimi…you’ll be a single mother soon. Just wait.

  • SigBat


    Well, as a guy who HAS paid for 3 abortions I can tell you I was grateful that each and every one of them could and did happen.

    Although, I may not agree with the author 100%, I understand his perspective.

    I suppose one thing he is saying is that it is hard enough finding a good "soul mate" match amongst the childless women out there….it is just that much harder if she has the additional responsibilities to attend too. NOT saying it's impossible. Just harder.

    And while on the subject of finding the right woman, if women who make good decisions is important to you then a single motherhood COULD be an indicator right off the bat that MAYBE she doesn't make the best decisions. I am not saying that is the situation every time, but my experience is that you do begin to see patterns.

    I do NOT want to slam single mothers. But these ARE things that people maybe do think about. I mean if you are already a single mother everyone knows there is nothing you can do about that fact now. It is however a reality.

    I don't like to judge ANYONE too fast, and so if a woman has children (no matter how many) and she is actually a good mother than that is actually VERY attractive. But if a person is a bad parent

    (married or unmarried) it is one of the ugliest things in the world.

    So, as a single black man, if someone suggests to me that I should date a particular unmarried mother I will look at her individually but also in the context of her kids. I don't think any man does any differently…not even the author of this article. If it is an ideal situation then it will be an instant "go"…if not then a man has to weigh the ups and downs…just as a woman in the reverse situation would. Even a man who says he would NEVER date a "baby mama" would actually turn down a woman who he considers his "Miss Perfect" if the only imperfection was children. That would be crazy.

  • Nancy

    I only issue with people who don't date single parents is think of any/everytime you may have had unprotected sex.

    yourself rightousness is silly at best. I only date men with children. I find that only having to think and care for yourself makes you selfish and the older you get the more rigid you become in your selfishness. Good luck with your preferences.

  • Kool

    @NWSO – You are too cute! And something told me that you responded!!!

    I just wanted you to make more valid points thats all it was soooo much bashing on single parenting and all geared towards women the ones who hold it all down!!!

    Now I'm sure Madame Noire didn't tell you "how" to express your opinion and dont get testy sweety, ofcourse I KNOW that I can listen or not listen; read or not read and I chose to READ! And I did take it personal because it IS personal for me and for soooo many of my single sister/mother's out here that are busting our asses and running cirlces around most men only to hear that there's stigmas that say we are full of drama and "hard(er)" to deal with than a woman who is not a mother?

    Do more research before you write next time and yes Luv – LOVE IS LOVE!!!!

    Peace Brother


    A Master Debater

  • @Kool

    The whole anti-babay mama term acceptance stance was actually saying exactly what you are saying in regards to your point of "We need FAmily structures in our Black Community’s not necessarily couples." Is not a marriage, well good ones, a family structure? That's what I was arguing for,

    And for the record this is an op-ed piece, which means opinion-based. This is my opinion on the subject that MadameNoire asked for. And I never subscribe to the belief that I am some expert, I am merely a man with an opinion—you can either listen to it or not, and that's everyone's right to have an opinion and express their thoughts.

    I appreciate your feedback.

    And, while not everyone chooses to be a babay mama/daddy, let's not act like there are not people that do. They exist and they are the ones that need to hear things like this. If it don't apply to you, why take it so personal. If you wrote an article that said Black Men are Dumb, I wouldn't be upset because I know I don't fit, but if you said NWSO is A Damn Fool & I Hate Him, it may raise my eyebrow more. LOL.

    But love is love… Enjoy your weekend

  • Kool

    In the last sentence meant to say ; THE ONE YOU SHARE

  • MzFortune

    I completely understand your point of view. Becoming involved with someone that already has a child is a big decision because like you stated you are not just dating the mom you are also dating the child. One thing you never want to happen is that you become attached to the child but you and its mother decide to terminate the relation, which most times has a real impact on the child. It is also not a good environment for baby mama's to bring an entire parade of different men in front of the child. In the long run it will shape that child character and outlook on life and people.

    I think you are making a good LONG term decision by not dating someone with a child. You don't have any children so why should you take on the responsibility attached with dating someone with a child? If you wanted to raise a child I am sure you would have had your own.

    Some women made rash decisions by becoming pregnant for a man that was never their husband or even their boyfriend, but they feel they should not be taken out of the dating pool for that, which I don't think they should either, but I don't think they should believe that a single, childless, successful man would make them first choice as oppose to a woman he can spend a lot of time with, without the distraction of a child or the drama of a crazy baby daddy.

  • CM

    I am now a divorced single mother of an 8yr old. & I completely understand the writers point of view. Now that I have divorced I have decided that I would rather date someone who doesn’t have kids. Or if they do I need for them to be a co parent & there child’s parent to either be married to someone else or at least be engaged. therefore I don’t have 2 deal w/the baby mama aspect. Bcuz unless the other parent is seriously involved w/someone else there is definitely going to be problems & I definitely don’t need the headache. Bcuz I definitely don’ have ‘baby daddy issues’ & I refuse to deal with anyone elses.

  • Mango

    The truth is bitter as they say, and that is the reason many single mothers here are not very receptive to his opinion. I’m a single man with no kids, and I TOTALLY agree with his view on wanting to marry a woman with no kid(s). I would rather stay away from women with kids. But that’s just me. I’m sure there are men out there that will be more accepting of baby mamas

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  • professionalblkwoman

    I agree completely with the original post. Our community has become too comfortable with the notion of not establishing families and jusy having kids. Mediocrity has become acceptable because so many people have begun having kids out of wedlock. I for one have intentionally not had children because I am not married. I would be so embaressed walking around pregnant with no husband. It really is a matter of respect. It says a man didn't respect (or love) you enough to make you his wife. It may not sound "nice," but we really have to start doing better and stop settling for mediocrity.

  • UcBG

    agree 100% with you. i refuse to date men with children. and we know that most of the time, men don't even have full custody of the kids, BUT i don't want the hassle of the baby mama. i'd rather be with a man who owns his own time and has no drama from an ex. i did it once and will never do it again.

    • Truth

      GOOD. Let me lace you with some game…men with kids before marriage, at least 95% of the time are men you shouldn’t wanna be with. Start your search with men with no kids, at least you know he’s responsible, especially if he’s over 25.

    • middygreen

      All single women with no kids should think like you.

  • Meaghan

    I am 23 years old pregnant and it isn't looking very good for me and my baby's father so I guess that would make me the epitome of a "baby mama" I am however a college graduate with my own car, own job own place and I'm going to graduate school for software engineering. Before I found out about my unplanned pregnancy it was hard if not impossible to find a black man that was willing to take ANY responsibility, let alone his children or anyone else's children for that matter, and this wasn't just an issue that I had. Neither me nor any of my [black] girlfriends or any of their friends are seeming to find a good black man willing to commit. My white friends however are getting married or have been in long term committed relationships by age 25. So your apprehension about the "baby mama" type doesn't shock me because no black mans lack of commitment shocks me anymore. The bigger issue at hand, in my opinion isn't how black men don't want to date women with children, its WHY are there so many single black women with children in the first place? In my case with the father of my baby, as soon as I informed him of my pregnancy, instead of stepping up like a man and doing the right thing, he chose to do the very opposite and I see it happen so much, to so many of my strong beautiful and smart black women who aren't BABY MAMAS but educated women with a conscience and a knack to own up to their responsibility….If more men would jump on that bandwagon I'm sure there would be a lot less "baby mamas" for you to so casually generalize.

    • LeLu

      You are so right, Meagan!  “The bigger issue at hand, in my opinion isn’t how black men don’t want to date women with children, its WHY are there so many single black women with children in the first place?” YES!  It’s poor decisions by both parties, but the man’s unwillingness to commit, especially to something so IMPORTANT!

    • Truth

      Your story sucks, I almost wanna say it’ll be ok, but as you’re finding out…it won’t. If you, with your education and possessions, are having a tough time dating, unless your buddies have what you do, I can imagine what they’re going through. You sounded like you had the potential to be a very good wife from what you said, assuming everything else is admirable, but you took the losers route and had a baby by another loser. Too many sistas go through that for two fundamental reasons…possessing the inability to identify character traits in men and being crazy about something that can happen at ANY time…a baby. Based on your rejections from men after your baby, I assume with almost certainty that these are quality men.Why? Well, men who respect women, their future families and have goals with character to match won’t want a baby mom. These are the guys who would have made you a wife. Don’t believe me, look at the personality traits and records of the men your friends and you have been ruined or pregnant by, if that sounds nicer. Do that and you’ll see, and don’t lie…your man left you with HIS own KIDS so I know he isn’t a hell of a guy.

      There are three reasons(as I see them) why your white female counterparts are not in your predicament, as a whole.

      1)They are a part the dominant culture in America and white men won’t allow that behavior to reach such a height.
      2) They are much more likely to get an abortion, look at their history…they have no problem with murder.
      3) They have a higher chance of in America, black females can with a limit, but with heavy road blocks since they come from a disenfranchised group which means more sex since that’s the only thing we(yes I’m black) can absolutely control, which creates the “I ain’t got nothing to lose” behavior you and I both know.”
      White females or any other race are no better, but the reasons listed aren’t an excuse to contaminate black society by way of stupid decisions. You had a future and squandered it just like hoodrats, hoes and dizzy broads. I never understand how women, the basic deciders aka”strong sistas” don’t realize from the ages of 17-25, they have the best picks of the most eligible black men there are by using common sense and using the advantages of being a female to get them. And the best they can do is settle for the bottom of the barrel who ruin lives rather than enhance them. Please use better judgement or do you have to see your life in shambles to know you got a shorty lo, Future, Kanye or Pokey from the block rather than a Barack Obama, Malcolm X, Dr. King or a Dr. Umar Johnson(look him up!) my final statement…don’t do this again and treat picking a mate like a day in the shoe or clothes store.

    • jd

      Why did you get pregnant when you had so much going for you? Why did you choose to keep it while knowing that your man was not going to be around. The reason that you cannot find a man willing to commit is because men with something to offer have better choices. If you white friends are getting married at 25, good for them. But if you cant find a man to marry you, you probably should not be having kids. There is nothing wrong with sex, but be safe and responsible. When you told this man that he could be the father, his reaction should have guided your decision but like many, you decided that being a single mom is better, than just being single.

      • Eby

        oh my God, tell these foolish people today

  • Take A Hike Brother.

    I am single woman without children by choice. Family planning down to a science. I wanted the husband and the whole package. I still do, but dating someone with children is impossible. I just pulled the plug on a "relationship" this month. The endless excuses for no quality time got old.

    Also, his insecurity didn't help the situation. I cared about this person, but between the stories about a child who was never put in her place and a momma trying to subsidize her lifestyle using the child as leverage, it was a little troubling. My biggest fear is when a man with children attempts to move on with someone else, the momma goes for the jugular. For me, a new child support agreement and prenup would have to be on the table to protect assets. It's buyer beware.

    • Kelly

      I feel you! I’ve been there and done that as well. I too am a single woman without children. And I’ve tried to have relationships with men who have children and as you said it; it got old. And just as you stated, the momma goes for the jugular, that is sooooo true. I’ve been through that ENOUGH! I’m to the point where if a man has kids, it’s a no go…

  • Open Mindedness Plea

    In many of the comments I read, the main idea was that it's negative to have kids without being married but if a person were to be married and divorced, that is somehow different. I think too often people try to hold onto old fashioned ideals in a world that just is not conducive to them anymore. When you refer to marriage, I am curious to know if you are simply talking about the ceremony or the act/idea of committing yourselves to each other for life? Personally, I have always felt that because marriage is more about the commitment to love and honor each other for the rest of your lives, two people can be "married" without ever having a ceremony to prove their love to others. I mean, think about it, the ceremony is really more for the sake of other people to know that you two are committed to each other.

    The reason I bring this point up is because in the world we live in today, thee are many different reasons that a couple may choose to not "marry" each other int he traditional sense, but that does not necessarily mean that their relationship is unhealthy or in any way different from that of a traditionally married couple. Take, my situation, for example, my husband and I have been together for over 10 years and we are expecting our first child later this year. Our reason for choosing to not formally have a ceremony is not because he doesn't love/respect me or I him, but rather because we both support gay rights and feel uncomfortable engaging in an act that has been denied others who also truly love each other. Does the fact that we are not formally married despite our commitment to each other mean that our child will be dysfunctional? Say for instance, we didn't work out and decided to separate, would our child somehow be more affected by our separation than he would be if we had officially had a ceremony and then divorced??? My point is marriage is not everything, it's more about the love and commitment that two people feel towards each other in a relationship that is going to make the difference for children. Just because two people aren't formally married doesn't mean they cannot provide that for their children or that their lives will be drama filled.

  • IceColdBunny

    I must admit, I agree with the article. I can count on one hand the number of men I've dated who have children. And most of those men were married when they had their children, so the circumstances in which a man has children makes a huge difference. The only way I'll date a baby daddy is if baby mama lives outta state, is dead, or remarried or possibly if his children are grown(I'll take a sugar daddy:-)

    However, as a degreed professional childless woman, I'm bringin alot to the table and expect the same and truly prefer men without children. What's really messed up is when men WITH children tell me they rather date women WITHOUT children. It doesn't matter to most because sooo many people out there already have children. But to meet a guy who doesn't have children is like 😉 ♥♥♥

  • Curious1

    This is such a sad generation of folks…just sad…

  • Mom in Chicago

    As I read your post which was forwarded to me from one of my relatives. I was really in awe. I am a mother and wife of two great children. I have a great career in which I work well over 50 hours a week. A salary which my husband and I bring home over $100,000 combined in which truly I make more than my husband. However, I am an Afrcain American women with an education strong family, educated very much so. It's ashamed we have males who look down on a woman having a child as some thing low or ungraceful. The reality is your letter was not just disheartening to me but to our children. Have you ever volunteered have you ever, went outside of your community and worked with males, young girls who need a father figure. Some of these children need it, some of these children need a male role model. Some of these children have great personalities and some who do not how dare we do not help mold these young ones. It's certainly your choice of who you date, but I hope to god you would never run into the problem of an unwanted or out of wedlock child. And insidious get married because you do not want to be labled as baby daddy or have a baby mamma for one stop the connotation which brings these harsh words. Some thinking that hey I'm better. Really are you able to rightly say you are better or you have it together. I work so many hours if I was single I would not be able to date. I would not want to date I would just want to rest but certainly if you have the ideology that you have you would truly miss out on so many experiences in your life. GOOD LUCK and BE SAFE!!!!!!!!!!

  • 360 Degrees

    At the end of the day, the woman makes the final decision about either having sex or not having sex, getting pregnant or not. If you don't want to be a "baby mama", ghetto or not, don't have a baby until you get married. There has to be a double standard between men and women, because the final choice lies with them.

    • somethingdifferent

      go Mya!

    • prettyliss

      the ignorance on here is ridiculous. notice how only the single women with kids don’t agree with the post. women have a choice. there are many resources. birth control, condoms, god dammit THE DAY AFTER PILL! ABORTIONS!!! at the end of the day the choice is yours! a lot of women end up being “baby mommas” because in most cases those men they were pregnant by never wanted those kids! I cant even count how many men are FORCED into fatherhood because a female said she was on birth control and some how some way got pregnant and now the man has to deal with YOUR decision! if you are not married to a man YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE NOTHING MORE THAN HIS BABY MOMMA!

  • kc

    I am a single parent of two children. I'm not at all offened by a man choosing to not want to date me because of my boys. I look at it like any other preffenses they have, big chest, big butt, that type of thing. If you aren't cool with my babies keep it movin, it isn't a big deal. I'm sure that there are men who would change their mind for the right one. One persons comment of "settleing for a person with kids was offensive though. Cause I don't recall ever having become bottom of the barrell after my babies were born. It doesn't make me a lesser option, just a different option.

    • Truth

      To men like your baby dad(s) you could have 2 more kids and there’d be no difference between you and a childless woman or even a widow, for ex. To respectable men, you’re not there first option. And the reason you don’t care is because you don’t aim high.

  • 360 Degrees

    Them as in women.


    i have been preaching this same thing 4 years when all my friends became the dreaded 'BM'…… far back as i can REMEMBER i've ALWAYZ said i want 2 get married and then have kids….not be w/ my boyfriend and have a baby for him!!!

    i'm very sorry, but the women who contest the truth of this article are the one's who are single mothers and are….BABY MOMMAS!!!!!


    I can't even begin to count then men who wanted me 2 become their BABY MOMMA and as quick as they said that was as QUICK as i was out!!!!!

    no matter what any single mother says this is the truth…….. U WILL ALWYAS BE JUST THE BM (unless there was a divorce)….you may NEVER hear him say it, but when he's around his boys and they're all talking about their BM'S trust me sweetie you're in there too!!!!!

    I WILL NEVER BE A BABY MOMMA and a lot of that stems from the fact that MY MOMMY ISN'T A BABY MOMMA…..SHE IS THE WIFE!!!!

    • Lovegoddess


  • Melodee


    I agree 200% with your comment. Being in the same situation and a devoted reader of NWSO I can understand his POV from having the same mentality when I was younger and without child, but when God felt it was time for a change, time for me to receive the blessing of a beautiful little lady, my mentality changed with it. Therefore I side with you (since we single mothers have to stick together) and opt to say parenting is not always for everyone at any given time, yet in due time. When my husband is 'ready' for me, he will come accepting of this package deal.

    and for the record I like your definition of baby mama but to be called that is dependent on the situation.

    -(not the baby mama) "I'm HER mother"

    • mya

      sorry but God didnt bless you with a child, YOU GOT PREGNANT! God would have prefered if you didnt put the cart before the horse!

      but you sound like a good mother anyways 🙂

      • Jey H.


        She got pregnant and was BLESSED WITH A CHILD FROM GOD! What dont you understand from that?

        • somethingdifferent

          she got pregnant out of wedlock ya dumb rascal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • QuoteMan

    I couldn’t be any more at odds with this post. My gripe against it is that – it creates a host of misconceptions that is incongruous with reason. All told, I don’t think any rational and competent individual set out to become a “baby mama” and “baby daddy”. Life as we know it could turn on its head. In short, sh*t happens.

    Sure, we should all strive to become husbands and wives. However, it’s equally important if not greater to strive to be great fathers and mothers, should we fall short of becoming husbands and wives. With that said, a great mother would get my vote any day over a great wife.

    Lucky me, I’ve in a great mother to my 6 yr old son. Although, things didn’t panned out as planned, we remain the best of friends. And for that, I’m forever grateful. (A story I’ve shared on NWSO before).

    Still and all, I give a lot of weight to your opinion but it didn’t come across quite well as you intended.

    • Sad

      Please stop with the loser talk.

      • Suzy

        Sad, Why don’t all you wieners, I mean, whiners, go live on some other planet. We are imperfect humans here on earth. And how do you define loser? If you die young, I hope your children get another man just like you to look after them when you’re gone.

    • true_blood

      Sh*t DOESN’T happen. There are too many steps involved and too many ways to avoid being a baby mama/daddy. Get real

  • @Kimberly

    Point taken in regards to the term "baby mama" coming across as encompassing any woman with a child and is single, be it divorce, death, etc.

    What I was looking to address was the term baby mama itself and convey that no one should look to be one or to have one. My opening stance was to convey a need and desire to be wives, husbands, and parents, but I won't front like I didn't trail off into a more broad angle that my short word count could not encapsulate.

    Still, my preference to date single folks without kids is still my preference, but that does not mean it's a definitive end all be all. We all have red flags and things we want in a mate, I happen to want a woman without child so that in the event that we evolve into husband and wife that we can share the experience of birthing our children together. However, I am open-minded enough (at times) to see a person as a whole and more than just a single mom or baby mama. What I want/prefer has nothing to do with what I need or will ultimately end up with. All I can do is play my part in not being a baby daddy or making a baby mama to the best of my ability. I just pray that my future Mrs. is working to do the same.

    But I am the product of a single parent household so I would never disrespect the work of single moms but i still have an ideal of what i want my family structure to be—together. Isn't that something we should all at least strive for?

  • @Newbie

    Thanx, I think that's part of the problem in that the men are more easily accepted because they are NOT usually the caregivers, so the issue of having constant reminders of his past relationship is not always there. On the flip side, when a man dates a woman with kids and they fall in love etc, he is essentially dating her AND her kids. Not saying it's right or wrong, but sadly it's the way things have been constructed within current society framework. Men generally get off scott free, while women get left holding the proverbial bag.

  • Newbie99

    @ Bridgette, thanks for posting that link.

    I have to say though that they are in the minority. I know we all want to believe and be hopeful that it isn't so but it is. Women are more accepting in this area. You will find a woman openly accepting a man with one or more kids from one or more women than you will a man with a woman with a child (lets not even go into children from multiple men).

    A woman is always (even in marriage) the primary caregiver to the kids. A woman with kids has a lot of balancing to do to fit in a man in her life. The man is not the father of her children or husband so it makes it harder. NWSO, great post.

  • alwayz

    I am not with my daughter father any more and we don't see each other as baby mama/daddy. We was married for 6yr an things didn't work but we have a good relationship now as friends. We both have moved on with life, we have an understanding that as long as the person that we are dating don't hurt our child it's fine. I feel that a mother/father shouldn't bring someone around the child until they know that the relationship is going some where.

    • true_blood

      that makes you an ex-wife and a mother. Not a baby mama. A baby mama is a women with a child who was never married to the dad

  • While you certainly have a right to your opinion (to each their own), there are Black men who don't mind settling down with a woman with children as the dude in this story demonstrated:

    I don't think he is as much of a minority as society leads us to believe.

  • Cali_Bred

    I am only 24, but when I was 18-19 I loved females who had kids. They would only call me in the evenings, never would I see the child and it was basically her on the hunt for me, not the me chasing her. Now that I am a couple of years older, women with kids aren't off the market but they are not the first choice only cuz I want my time. And I can't stand the term baby mama or baby daddy. If a parent is taking care of their business and doesn't have any drama then I don't consider them a baby mama/daddy. Now if y'all on maury, cops being called, and back and fourth to court, then you get the term

  • I am not with my childrens' father and if I ever heard that he referred to me as his "baby mama", I would castrate him. Of course there was always the idea that we were going to be together and it just didn't work. Not all black look at it like NWSO (love his blog), some are willing and able to take on the challenge without any hesitation. Men just need to listen when it comes to "baby mamas". All are not created equal. Some actually get along with their kids father and has a decent schedule that allows for a love life.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate


    • Yamel

      Regardless of how you feel about being called a baby Moma…that’s what you are and will always be if your not his wife. Sugarcoating works for you I suppose.

    • The Facts

      Felt that bad about it Tiffany, you should have been a wife. And yes…all baby moms are created equal. You all dated some loser, screwed the bum and thought you were special until they left you and your baby and now you wanna date “good guys,” smh. Same sob story.

      • Mike

        You r just a moron,to say such rubbish,baby mamas are not created equal, How dare u disrespect such women and categorize them under one umbrella, do u think before you talk, where is your manners, respect baby mamas, cos they are great women, how dare u say such nonsense u idiot!

    • Researchifudontknow

      I want to start off by saying that my comments are not meant
      to demean you or your children but I took a look at your comments, analyzed
      them and came up with an assessment and some questions for yous: You state that
      you are not with your children’s father (Q1: Are you divorced or were you never
      married to him (dating, or other)?). You also stated that if he ever referred
      to you as his “baby mama” you would castrate him (Q2: Refer to Q1; If
      you were divorced, then you are the ex-wife and the mother of his children, if
      you were not married then you ARE the Babies Mama). You state that of course
      there was always the idea that we were going to be together and it just didn’t
      work (Q3: Idea, according to Websters dictionary, is a thought or suggestion as
      to a possible course of action. So within this “idea” did the conversation/prospect
      of marriage come up? Was any other planning involved with this idea of being together?
      Such as an engagement, subsequent marital, financial and family planning or
      divorce?) You also stated it didn’t work (Q4: What were some of the reasons it
      didn’t work, was it due to outside influences or the lack of planning and
      dedication to make it work? Did it end in a divorce or a breakup?) You further
      state that Not all black look at it like NWSO, some are willing and able to
      take on the challenge without any hesitation (Q5: What are referring to in with
      this statement? Are you saying that not all men have the same ideology as the
      author and welcome the challenge of being a husband (key word), boyfriend or
      lover to a single woman with children?

      “Men just need to listen when it comes to “baby mamas.” All are not created equal” (Q6: Why does any man need to listen to a baby mama, I am a woman and I don’t want to listen to many of the sad stories they tell when WE all have/had a choice (unless your religion or ideology precludes you from making a decision to have a child. (Q7: Did you listen to that man when he
      stated he did not want a child or if he wanted to have a child?) (Q8: Did you
      discuss/plan with this man to get married first (put a ring on it) and then
      discuss child rearing?) This man owes you nothing and until we as women realize
      that if a man does not marry you before he fathers a child, you are and will
      always be a BABY MAMA with an illegitimate child(ren)! Unless as such time when you and your children’s father decide to get married; statement does not apply if you were previously married to him. And for the record your
      last statement is correct however you say some actually get along with their
      kids father, this is true and it should be the norm and not the exception for
      the sake of the child. Thank you