How Black Men View Baby Mamas

June 15, 2010  |  

Anslem “NWSO” Samuel’s Naked With Socks On is an award-winning relationship blog. Each week, NWSO will share his candid thoughts on women, love, life and all the fun stuff in between with MadameNoire.

I’ve spent a good majority of my adult life trying not to have a baby mama. Not because I don’t want children, I just don’t want children with a woman that’s not my wife. See, when you do the wife and kids thing, that’s generally something planned and thought out. Even if it’s not, you’re married so having kids isn’t really that big of a deal because it’s expected at some point.

A baby mama, however, is a whole other ball game. Just look at the term itself. It’s detached and impersonal. She’s not called my wife, my girlfriend, or even my lover, but my baby’s mama. That doesn’t denote a loving connection but a relationship of circumstance. Generally, this is just a woman who “happened” to get pregnant and if not for the child y’all probably wouldn’t have any further contact after the relationship went south. Even if y’all are together, the fact a man would refer to you as his baby mama as opposed to his wife/girl shows that there isn’t much hope for the relationship evolving beyond two people that happen to share a child.

Now, as a single man with no kids, I’m in no rush to get involved with someone else’s baby mama. That’s not to say I’d never date a single mother but she definitely wouldn’t be my first choice. Getting to know someone is hard enough, but trying to do that around a mother’s 24/7 schedule can be downright impossible. Single folk like myself can just pick up and go out on a whim, while parents have to work around less flexible babysitting schedules. Since I have no kids I’m selfish and just not ready for that kind of situation.

Dating someone with a kid(s) is a package deal. When you go out with a single mom you’re not just dating her but her kids (and her potentially crazy baby daddy). The last thing I’d want to do is get attached to a kid — and vice versa — only to have the relationship with his or her mother not pan out. The mom would understand why I wasn’t in the picture anymore, but depending on the age of her child, he or she may not. My father was never really around so I’d never want to be just some dude that came in and out of a kid’s life. It’s not fair to the innocent child.

Another factor to consider is the idea of jumping into a situation where there’s a built in family in place. This ain’t the Brady Bunch and I’d much rather have my own instead of playing daddy to the next man’s kids. Speaking of which, the only thing worse than the haphazard dating schedule of a single mom is the potentially intrusive baby daddy. Exes can be very possessive and that’s especially true if there’s a kid involved. I don’t need that headache and aggravation, so jealous baby daddy’s who will always be attached to the woman I’m seeing because of their kid is a major turn-off.

Overall, the idea of a baby mama just doesn’t work for me — be it my own or someone else’s. In the event that I got the wrong woman pregnant, I see it making for an awkward and unhealthy environment for my child. I’d much rather have a stable family structure with my wife than a faux family. And in terms of dating a woman with kids, there’s a possibility things could work out given the right circumstances, but truthfully I’d rather date someone with less baggage.

For more on NWSO’s relationship advice and bare-naked truth, as well as his popular weekly erotica series, Wet Wednesdays, be sure to check his daily blog, Naked With Socks On, here.

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