Anslem “NWSO” Samuel’s Naked With Socks On is an award-winning relationship blog. Each week, NWSO will share his candid thoughts on women, love, life and all the fun stuff in between with MadameNoire.
I’ve spent a good majority of my adult life trying not to have a baby mama. Not because I don’t want children, I just don’t want children with a woman that’s not my wife. See, when you do the wife and kids thing, that’s generally something planned and thought out. Even if it’s not, you’re married so having kids isn’t really that big of a deal because it’s expected at some point.
A baby mama, however, is a whole other ball game. Just look at the term itself. It’s detached and impersonal. She’s not called my wife, my girlfriend, or even my lover, but my baby’s mama. That doesn’t denote a loving connection but a relationship of circumstance. Generally, this is just a woman that happened to get pregnant and if not for the child y’all probably wouldn’t have any further contact after the relationship went south. Even if y’all are together, the fact a man would refer to you as his baby mama as opposed to his wife/girl shows that there isn’t much hope for the relationship evolving beyond two people that happen to share a child.
Now, as a single man with no kids, I’m in no rush to get involved with someone else’s baby mama. That’s not to say I’d never date a single mother but she definitely wouldn’t be my first choice. Getting to know someone is hard enough, but trying to do that around a mother’s 24/7 schedule can be downright impossible. Single folk like myself can just pick up and go out on a whim, while parents have to work around less flexible babysitting schedules. Since I have no kids I’m selfish and just not ready for that kind of situation.
Dating someone with a kid(s) is a package deal. When you go out with a single mom you’re not just dating her but her kids (and her crazy baby daddy). The last thing I’d want to do is get attached to a kid — and vice versa — only to have the relationship with his or her mother not pan out. The mom would understand why I wasn’t in the picture anymore, but depending on the age of her child, he or she may not. My father was never really around so I’d never want to be just some dude that came in and out of a kid’s life. It’s not fair to the innocent child.
Another factor to consider is the idea of jumping into a situation where there’s a built in family in place. This ain’t the Brady Bunch and I’d much rather have my own instead of playing daddy to the next man’s kids. Speaking of which, the only thing worse than the haphazard dating schedule of a single mom is the potentially intrusive baby daddy. Exes can be very possessive and that’s especially true if there’s a kid involved. I don’t need that headache and aggravation, so jealous baby daddy’s that will always be attached to the woman I’m seeing because of their kid is a major turn-off.
Overall, the idea of a baby mama just doesn’t work for me — be it my own or someone else’s. In the event that I got the wrong woman pregnant, I see it making for an awkward and unhealthy environment for my child. I’d much rather have a stable family structure with my wife than a faux family. And in terms of dating a woman with kids, there’s a possibility things could work out given the right circumstances, but truthfully I’d rather date someone with less baggage.
For more on NWSO’s relationship advice and bare-naked truth, as well as his popular weekly erotica series, Wet Wednesdays, be sure to check his daily blog, Naked With Socks On, here.
lawbrat97
8/21/10, 19:56:pm
I’m not surprised at all by this article…
I don’t date black American men, so their opinions are useless. Nor would I want one to assume the role of father for my children-if I ever have any. If you are a single mother-that’s awesome. Your children appreciate all that you do. Besides single mothers, do you you really want a ‘little, small minded man’ holding you back?
For the choir….what does being married have to do with anything thing? Married husbands cut out too! I know, you like the title…
LocLoverJD
8/24/10, 14:05:pm
I am not at all offended by this article. BUT I am not in love with the term babymama. It seems like we should be able to come up with something better. HOWEVER, I think single men have the right to make these kinds of decisions about who they date. Just like it is acceptable for someone to say: type X is not my preference. I only date type Y.
It can’t be personal. It is about preference. The reasons laid out for not dating women with children are valid and almost responsible. In the least, they are legitimate reasons for protecting himself when dating and hooking up!
Besides there are plenty of men that do not mind dating women with children.
feburn
8/24/10, 14:11:pm
Wow! How small minded of you to think that single mothers are the result of sleeping around, messing with no good men, and having no self esteem! I am a mother and the only reason I’m single is because I’m divorced! My children were born during a marriage and their father is the best father a child could ask for. To put every woman who has a child and is not married into your small-minded box shows your immaturity. And, it sounds like your mother was a single parent so it just goes to show how much you respect her!
black nationalist
9/2/10, 21:51:pm
You single mothers that had kids out of wedlock are bitter that a man told the truth. Truth hurts and notice how all the backlash is from baby mamas. Divorced women you’re worst off but more respected. At least you tried but no way should any man tried to marry you unless he was divorced.
Single mothers listen up your kids are bad, they contribute to most of African American issues. You don’t allow others to discipline your kids. You contribute to kids without good manners, gays, hoes, prostitutes, drug dealers etc. Note this isn’t all, but a majority.
Take responsibility for your actions. Black women all the burden falls on you. Why don’t you make the man wear a condom? You had sex outside a marriage. That’s not wise or moral. You get mad when men reject you, but can’t accept truth that you fucked up. You don’t slip up on dicks. Shit just didn’t happen.
Oh so you got money? Who cares? You still have a kid. Do I need to date you to mentor your child. What type of logic is that? What’s really stupid is that all the educated black women choose dead beats then is in shock when he runs out. No you dumb broad, anyone could have told you he was going to leave. You wonder why you baby mamas are making more than your man? Because the men you CHOOSE are low lifes.
Single mothers Fail to realize a kid is a big burden. They are so clueless. They think a child is no big deal and some extra accesory. please, it’s a Scarlett letter this is why the men you date after you get the child are lame dudes, who can’t get women, so they settle. A child is a big big deal. No wonder why a lot of you struggle financially, because you lack perspective on life.
This goes for single dads too. Ladies stay away from them. They are bad for humanity. If women would realize that all the burden lies with a female, then maybe you would make better decisions.