Straight From His Mouth: Do Men Really Mind Spending Money On Women And What Are Their Expectations?

20 comments
July 1, 2013 ‐ By WisdomIsMisery
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Q: When it comes to first dates, some men think they are entitled to physical action. On the other hand, some men don’t mind spending money on women just for their company (and sometimes those women think the fact that the man is spending money on them means he’s into them when it may not.) Ex: A friend of a coworker was asked to go away for a weekend with a guy and he paid for everything and when they got home she thought his gesture meant they were exclusively dating or moving toward that when in reality he just wanted to spend time with a woman for the weekend — all expenses paid.

I wrote about a related issue in my previous post, Can Most Men Really Afford a Girlfriend? But for the sake of argument, let’s assume the man we’re discussing today can afford to have a girlfriend or several girlfriends. This leaves three outstanding questions when it comes to this scenario. Why is it that: 1) Some men think they are entitled to physical action based on the amount of money they spend; and 2) Some men don’t mind spending money on women; and finally, what do men expect from women when they do spend cash?

1. Some men think they are entitled to physical action from women.

Well, some men expect physical action from women because some men are idiots. You can’t change the habits or expectations of idiots, so I’m going to ignore this subgroup of men, and I suggest you do the same.

There is another sub-group of men who don’t expect anything from women, but they also don’t have an unlimited pool of money to spend – on women or in life in general. This shouldn’t be news to anyone, but money has value. In most circumstances, spending money has a return on investment. Whether you like it or not, if a man is spending money on you, he is investing in you and the future. Some women might argue their quality time, wonderful personalities, engaging conversations, and physical company should be more than enough to make a man feel content to spend any amount of money to enjoy these intangibles. That sounds nice and all, but these women are wrong.

If you were right, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, women wouldn’t make asinine statements like, “If you can’t afford to date, you shouldn’t date,” and “$200 date” (or $2,000 dates if you bout that life) debates wouldn’t erupt on Twitter every week.

I can no more blame a woman for being offended that a man would expect something from her after spending “X” amount of money than I can blame a man for feeling offended that he didn’t receive anything after spending “X” amount of money. Honestly, both parties are to blame. If you’re a man who thinks a woman owes you something because you spend money on her, maybe you shouldn’t spend money on women or you should go on cheap/free first dates. Conversely, if you’re the type of woman who doesn’t want a man to assume you owe him something because he spent money on you, maybe you shouldn’t let men pay for dates in full or you should only accept cheap/free first dates.

Ladies, I know what you’re thinking…

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  • Jj Chen

    As a man…I can tell you…If I had a crystal ball and it said, there will be no sex on this date. Then I wouldnt bother asking her out….

    • Craig Knapp

      Exactly! I do not spend money to take a buddy out to a ball game, but I will spend money to take a woman out for the potential of getting laid. I am not sure why grown women do not understand that if I ask them out, I am probably interested in them and am definately thinking of s3x (hello, McFly! I have a p3nis!!!…). If I were not interersted in them I would save the money, stay home and watch VideoBox or something and “punch the clown”.

  • Awake

    What I take from this is that how much a man spends has more to do with his actual spending habits than his level of interest in a woman. In retrospect, I can agree that the men I dated that made no issue of spending on dates in the beginning also turned out to be the men with more debt and just big spenders in general; the men that were what most would deem “cheap” ended up being the savers and were much more financially secure which I found they will spend also but only when they are truly invested in you.
    But I have also seen situations with a male friend where he spends in excess on one women and not at all on the other when dating them, when I asked him about it he indicated it was a situation where he was “seeing what it would take to get her”…So it seems some men think that spending money will compensate for any lack of interest on the woman’s part or that some women can be bought?

    I think in general men expect the same thing women expect…reciprocity. Someone that can genuinely reciprocate their feelings and interest.
    I think only a man that is looking for sex only spends with the expectation of action. I also think if the man has a perceived or real shortcoming he will spend as a way of “making up” for it.

  • Kath

    I really couldn’t care less what a man thinks he should or should not be getting after a date, unless he voices that upfront. I will go on on a date, I do expect that by virtue of the fact that I was invited on this date and that I accepted, that indeed he will spend appropriately. Fact is, you could spend a million bucks on me over several dates, I certainly will not refuse this but it certainly will not guarantee you a place in my life nor a space in my body. It was your choice to spend, and it’s my choice to accept. And best believe, I have zero problem accepting.

    • Craig Knapp

      hahahaha…and I bet you are over 30 and have never been married…good luck dying alone at 80!

  • Rene’

    Date the guy that wants to take you to the coffee shop or a walk on the beach he’s alot less likely to be the thirsty guy that just wants some action. It shouldnt be a newsflash that men will pay for action (prostitutes exist for a reason).

    Think about it from his point of view he really doesnt fully know you as a person hes interested but hes not hooked if a man is going to take you out and spend hundreds of dollars on you do you really think he has placed that value on you and your personality?(the one he doesnt know about) or whats between your legs.

  • m

    Well I have a friend who took me out to dinner and we hung out everything was cool. Eventually we had sex and everything was great but really that’s all I want from him and I think he understands. But maybe not because afterwards we chat a bit and then I’m putting on my clothes to leave and he says you leaving already. So I’m thinking maybe I should take him out more so he won’t take away the goods. But do guys even care?

    • Cass

      If he’s really your friend then you can have this conversation with him straight-out. You know how it drives women crazy when some men think having sex/doing dating-ish things is just hanging out? Imagine if the positions were reversed. Wouldn’t you want to know what’s what?

  • Nope

    “Conversely, if you’re the type of woman who doesn’t want a man to assume you owe him something because he spent money on you, maybe you shouldn’t let men pay for dates in full or you should only accept cheap/free first dates”

    I would love to hear the ladies response to this.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      I CAN AGREE CUZ WE DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE SUM ONE THAT IS “LESS THAN” BECUZ WERE NOT, BUT IF THATS THE CASE…..THE WOMEN NEEDS TO GO OUT BY HERSELF OR WITH HER GURLS….CUZ SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE SEX WILL BE BROUGHT UP….AND ITS UP TO HER TO ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN OR BE DOWN FOR HER STANDARDS/WHAT SHE WANTS…………MY OPINION

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Maybe that woman ought to spend time talking to the men she’s interested in before she goes out on any dates that way they can have an open conversation about each of their expectations long before the date and the bill arrives.

      You know going into a situation on the same page. which would really make this whole argument moot.

      • Cinnamon71

        Exactly, Cheekee or they can go out for coffee, the park/beach, etc., what I call neutral zones. You can have the first few “dates” at these venues and there doesn’t have to be any of that “pressure” and can they can get a better view as well before any courtship begins.

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          I’ve been out of the dating game for a minute do people not have conversations on the phone anymore? Do they not build up to a date by getting to know the other person and THEN meeting up with them? Dang what happened to having a convo?

          • Cinnamon71

            Ikr? This generation is into texting and the gift of conversation is lost…as well as courting. The dating game is all messed up now…smh

      • Tehani

        Yep. This is why when I would be asked out by men who I were never and would never be attracted to, I’d refuse, because men do think really that they are owed something if they like a woman.

    • hollyw

      I only suggest coffee/drinks on the first date. If he suggests something fancier, I always offer to pay half (and mean it). This is not to say that there is something wrong w/ women who expect men to pay for them, as I’ve had many a men give me the extreme side-eye whenever I offered to pay, or pay half, like I just slapped them in the face.

      There’s a huge cultural aspect that was skipped in this article, prob b/c the author couldn’t afford to add another 5-10pgs, which is understandable.

  • Nope

    “This is one of those simple/complicated questions. The way most women long for commitment is the way most men long for sex. You might not “expect” a man to commit to you immediately, but if the relationship is progressing, you probably expect him to commit to you eventually. It’s the same for men. Most men don’t expect you to have sex with him immediately, but most men expect you to have sex with them eventually.”

    Exactly. I’ve been saying this for years. Women have their own expectations and timer as well. But instead of saying a woman is expecting commitment per se, I’d just say they are expecting attention. By only saying “commitment” it still biases the woman’s scenario as being more moral. But attention is to a woman what sex is to a man. They CRAVE it. And when a woman goes out on a date she gets attention 100% of the time, whether it was the man opening his mouth to initiate (because she didn’t likely do it) or the date itself. Women need to stop acting like they’re coming out empty handed in their interactions with men. A man might or might not get sex and I’d say sex probably only takes place about 25% within 3 dates (beyond men’s lies and women’s exaggerations).

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      U ARE MAKING A POINT…..SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN THOSE LINES….

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Women aren’t some attention starved prima donnas just like men aren’t some sex starved nempho’s there’s a median here where both people can eventually hope to be sexually intimate if they find they like the other person aside from the bedroom.

      That’s what dating ought to be. I’m physically attracted to this person let me see if we click in other ways and can make a go of it. If your rationale were to be believed men wouldn’t bother to date at all. You know with craigslist why would they?

    • Tehani

      “But attention is to a woman what sex is to a man. They CRAVE it.”

      Personality makes people who they are, not their gender.