You’re Not The Boss Of Me! 9 Signs That Your Man is Way Too Controlling

78 comments
January 20, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean
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1. He Puts You Down

Usually when someone is overly critical of you, it’s because they’re trying to mask their own faults or deficiencies. Does he constantly put you down when you feel beautiful? Does he nitpick everything you do, pointing out mistakes rather than telling you that you did a great job? Does he tell you he could have done it better and tries to “help” you by pointing out your flaws rather than encouraging you with praise? If so, he’s trying to make you lose your confidence to the point where you will have no choice but to look to him for approval or reassurance, therefore boosting his ego. Putting you down is his way of making himself feel bigger. If you recognize that he is always breaking you down instead of building you up, then it’s time to find a man who will encourage you to be your best self with kind words, not disparaging ones.

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  • Anonymous

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  • anonymous

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=573861270 facebook-573861270

    Despite the disclaimer on the first page ["I’m not talking about violent or abusive men who use force to try to dominate you."] – THESE ARE ALL SIGNS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. People who see these attitudes in their partners should seriously consider leaving, and also plan leaving very carefully. In many cases abusers will turn violent only after an initial attempt at separation. Contact domestic violence centres in your community for information on what resources are available to you.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_M37MXDBO5QAGKL7LYMJVHQHRK4 Anony

    Ambient abuse. Look it up. Far worse than physical abuse.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_M37MXDBO5QAGKL7LYMJVHQHRK4 Anony

      This is how quiet abusive men act:

      1. He puts you down- disapproving looks/body language, suggesting you do something else

      2. He isolates you from friends/family – plant seeds in your head that your family/friends are jealous and don’t have your best interest at heart.

      3. He takes his insecurities out on you – when in public, he may lean in for a kiss or hug when other dudes pass by or he may try to grab your attention with a silly comment or question.

      4. He stalks/snoops on you – may have friends you never met to keep an eye on you so he doesn’t look like a stalker

      5. He’s Jealous – read #’s 1 & 3. Also if you don’t text him back right away, he turns obsessive and thinks you are cheating

      6. He’s never wrong – when you bring up issues he dismisses them and turns it right back around on you

      7. Ask him for permission – he might interject and ask you a million questions about your plans but mask it as if he’s interested in you

      8. He doesn’t celebrate your accomplishments – he’ll remain silent, become sullen, hunch his shoulders when you ask him whats wrong, flirt w/ other women to make himself feel better and throw you off your game with distraction techniques

      9. You don’t think for yourself – Ambient abuse strikes the mentality of a man/woman so that they doubt themselves and their decisions.

  • Blessed

    After reading these comments I feel so happy to say my man does not possess any of these characteristics. Its called trust and he completely trusts and loves me and knows I will do the right thing for me at all times. I do feel really bad for the people who go through this. I have a friend who is in a relationship and her guy is a 10 out of 10 on this list and no matter what she will never leave although he brings nada to the table.

    • chaka1

      My husband has the 2 of the 10 (especially he is always right), but he knows those are his flaws and we work through them.

  • M$. LI$@

    after reading this article this sounds more like emotional abuse than a controlling issue

  • Cinnamon71

    I was in a controlling relationship with an insecure boy, not man. We we’re living together(big mistake and will not live with another man not unless I’m married) and were engaged and the red flags started popping up: how to dress, wear little to no make-up, staying in the house, staying away from friends and family. Then he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating when he was. I kicked him out and I’m very glad I dodged that bullet, otherwise, I know I would have ended up being extremely miserable or possibly abused or dead. Just keep your eyes and ears wide open so you know when to close your heart when need be…#life is too short and there are other fish in the sea

  • Babydoll 70

    I have dated this person before. He even had to audacity to get mad at me because I bought new air fresheners for my apartment one time. I nearly went into my flesh. I knew for sure, if I didn’t before that I had to be rid of him. My kids even told me mom we prayed you would break up. I love my kids.

  • Over 10 years

    My husband may fit about 3. For one he’s never wrong. On the other hand if this was a list for men I know I’d fit 4 or more. Im told I’m selfish & controlling. It’s certainly my way or the highway or everything stops. One thing I can say about both of us is we work together and hear each other out and make changes. Oddly that still involves me having my way. Lol……….no ? Ok ! See I can’t complain !

    • Over 10 years

      Not so much controlling but I can be unry (sp) the few times I don’t get my way !

      • Babydoll 70

        FFR..honory. :)

  • BKMarilyn

    I usually dont post any comments but when i saw this i had to respond. i recently got out of a relationship with a man that did these same things. im so glad i dodged that bullet.

  • Sagittarius81

    I was 19 when I dated this guy for 7 months and he wanted me to have a body like Beyonce, wear high heels every time we go out (he has no car and we did the walking and taking public transportation) and made me hate high hell shoes for a while (now I wear them to church and other social events). He even wanted me to wear brand name clothes and I asked him “are you gonna buy them for me since you wanted me to wear names so much?” Then this jerk got the nerve to bring up my bipolar disorder every time we got into an argument. After I met my first husband (now deceased) at church, I left that jerk to be with him and my future hubby treated me waaaaay better, even accepted my flaws.

  • Meyaka

    My friend’s boyfriend is 10 out of 10 in this situation.I have tried and i am done,If she wants to live this way it’s fine by me,I’m just keeping my distance.

    • <3

      Don’t stress yourself over someone else’s foolishness.

  • Terri

    Woooowww…8 out of 9! Thank u for this info! Confirms everything i’ve been thinking. Just gotta keep moving forward with my plans…

  • TR

    Whoa the fact that 9 outta 10 is my husband….has got me thinking A LOT!! SMH

    • KSP

      Ur not alone…im reevaluating my situation now…bf of 10 yrs tho…smh

      • tr

        I’ve been married 10yrs, my hubs cheated last yr in march, n he still cusses me out.

        • <3

          He cheated on you but he curses you out?

          • Ms. Kameria

            And she’ s still married to him?….. she’ s a better one than me. Not to sound judgmental, but damn.

            • <3

              Yes she’s still with him. Letting someone know that you won’t leave them is a dangerous thing. I had a conversation with a chick on youtube and she talked about how proud she was of her grandparents because their marriage withstood alcoholism, physical abuse and mental abuse. She also went on to say that she didn’t admire her parents because they divorced. She feels that it’s the woman’s job to hold a marriage together no matter what, even if the man is clearly showing that he doesn’t love the woman. She feels that people should never divorce because it is disrespectful to God. The video that I saw her comments on was about domestic violence. I responded to her and she basically said that she’s accepting domestic violence and other forms of abuse from a husband that she doesn’t even have yet.

              • Ms. Kameria

                Maybe it’ s for my best to not understand that logic……so I’ m not going to wreck my brain. Good luck to her, and the young lady you spoke with.

                • <3

                  Shoot…I didn’t want to understand. I quickly stopped talking to her before that spirit jumped into me. Girl, I had to get my oil! Lol!!

                  • Ms. Kameria

                    LOL!

              • Nikki

                Smh. That’s sad. Many people feel that way. They will accept anything just to say 30 years from now, “we’ve been married 30+ years!” Lol No thank you.

                • <3

                  Yes, that’s exactly what it is. That’s what the big thing was with the chick who admired her grandparents so much. She was pressed to throw out the number of years that they had been married.

              • Roz

                But she had a point.. How do u know god wint change the husband? Whatever happened to hope? Is that just a thing for stupid ppl? No. I’ve seen it happen where a husband beat his wife and now he doesn’t.. Hasn’t done so in 11 years.. Also a family facing alcohol.. Husband hasn’t drAnk in many many yrs.. Why can’t the wife trust that God will save him? Is being hopeful a myth now? The wife has more power then u know. I’d rather be married to a drunk and hopeful then single and miserable.. And don’t say single folks aren’t.. There actions aka lonliness speak louder then words!

                • NYC Gal

                  This is so sad to read. There is a huge difference between being single and loneliness. Single is a state of being and loneliness is a state of mind. Believe it or not but there are many married folks that are lonely and there are many single folks that are not. If those same married folks were single they would still be lonely and if those single folks were married they would not be lonely. Please don’t confuse the two bcos they are very different.

                  • <3

                    Girl you better PREACH! There are way more lonely married people then those who aren’t. I’ve heard that said so many times!

                • <3

                  I feel sorry for you, Roz. I’m going to pray that the Lord delivers you of your desperation. Just because you’re single, a.k.a. not married, it doesn’t mean that you’re miserable. Your comment just made me sad a little. I know that many women who stay in terrible relationships do it because they don’t want to be alone but it’s different when someone says it. I guess sporting a black eye and broken bones and being with a disgusting drunk is better than sleeping in your bed alone. I’ll pray that a drunk and an abuser gets delivered from those things but I won’t stay with him. Remember that you’re teaching your children these things through your actions. About the grandparents in this story, the husband did stop drinking and beating his wife….after he got old and broke down.

                  • Ms. Kameria

                    LOL…….”old and broke down”

                    • <3

                      Indeed. The lady said that her grandparents had just gotten “saved” so their relationship is better. I’m like, ummmm yeah, he’s all old now. He probably isn’t even strong enough to pick up a liquor bottle anymore let alone is he strong enough to keep busting your grandmother upside her head and break her bones up some more. Shoot, he’d probably break one of his own bones in the process of trying to hurt his wife. -____- That was a major face palm moment for me.

                • Ms. Kameria

                  How is being single misery? There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Single people don’t have to carry the baggage that married people do. Being miserable is an issue though when it comes to taxes. Single people get more taxes taken from them because they are single.

    • KSP

      Ur not alone…im reevaluating my situation now…bf of 10 yrs tho…smh

    • Nikki

      :-( best of luck to both of you guys.

      • tr

        Thx

    • The Mrs.

      Many of these are my husband as well. Less of the tell me where I can go thing and more of the don’t celebrate my accomplishments, always have to be right, putting me down. Dang! I don’t like this realization. He’s not a boyfriend, so it ain’t as simple as “break up with him”. Wow!

      • <3

        This is one of the top reasons why I’m never getting married. I’m not dealing with disrespect just because a man is my husband.

        • Nikki

          Men know what they can get away with (married or not) and mine knows that he can’t get away with that kind of stuff with me lol One of the people said that their boyfriend of 10 years does things on this list, so it’s not always about legal ties.

          • <3

            Yes, that’s true. But what I’m saying is, when you’re not married, you don’t have to go through the whole divorce process. If a man disrespects me then I’m OUT! Bada-bing…bada-boom! I don’t have time to fight with a man in court. It’s not worth it.

            • Ms. Kameria

              Exactly. One of the very reasons why I’ m not getting married. Nobody has time or energy for that foolishness.

              • <3

                Yes, girl. Then you have some people out here who will start to act crazy after they get married because they know that they’re with someone who won’t divorce them. I heard a man on the radio say that he cheats on his wife all of the time and she knows it. But he said that he’s not going to stop and he’s not worried about his wife leaving him because his wife is one of those women who don’t believe in divorce and who says that divorce is not an option. HA! I believe that they had been married for 13 years. I’ll be damned!

                • Ms. Kameria

                  Well….they can’ t say you and I are one of the dumb ones.

                  • <3

                    Yeah….it wouldn’t matter either way though.

                • Roz

                  Why are u comparing that situation to urs? See that’s the problem with some women and why they can’t or won’t get married. They compare other ppls lives to their own and think it’ll happen to them.. Fear is like a cancer and will destroy if u accept it.. U have ur own life and own story to tell.. Some folks have their own fairytale and end up married and hopeful., why can’t u compare that story to urs? Why the bad ones? Sad really.

                  • NYC Gal

                    But you’re no different! You’re comparing your situation to single women! You’re also looking at the bad at being single. Why look at the bad ones? It’s really sad!

                  • <3

                    I’m talking about these things because this article is about bad things that occur in a relationship. This isn’t something that I go around talking about everyday. It was just here for this article. That’s all. You’re thinking about it too much. I may have to repeat this one more time…..I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED SO I DON’T CARE! I don’t care about anything marriage related, that is. But I like when you said, “Fear is like a cancer and will destroy if u accept it”. I’m not accepting an unhealthy relationship. I will have a committed relationship with a great man. You do know Proverbs 23:7 don’t you? What other advice can you give me, Roz?

                • NYC Gal

                  These guys married these types of women who are desperate to stay married at all cost. These married women look down at being single to make them feel better but it really boils down to being happy. If you weren’t happy when you were single, you are not going to be happy when you get married.

                  • <3

                    I agree. Thanks for talking with me. I knew that I wasn’t the only woman who had some sense out here in this world. And I’m only 23! Imagine that!

                    • Ms. Kameria

                      You’re not. I just turned 25, and I’m not beat for that foolishness of getting (staying) married. And one of the sad things about it is women (some) waste their lives chasing after “getting married.

                    • <3

                      Yes. It cracks me up when I hear a chick say that she has a goal to get married by a certain age. After that age comes and goes, that’s when they go into desperation mode.

            • Nikki

              Lol yeah…as long as kids aren’t involved. Custody battles can be worse than divorce. I feel you tho.

              • <3

                Yes. Everything about divorce is just terrible. About having kids though…one thing that I have to tell people who want to look down on me because I don’t want to get married, when it comes to having children……….why would I have children with a man if I won’t marry him. Children are more of a commit than marriage is. It doesn’t make sense to do one without the other.

                • Ms. Kameria

                  EXACTLY!!!! Children are a hell of a lot more of a commitment than getting married, and that is what women (mostly young) don’t get. I wish I could up your comment more than once.

                • Nikki

                  Bless you! Lol Girl, if I could like this 1000 times, I would! Kids are so much more of a commitment than marriage. Some of my friends have kids and look at me crazy for being married (i’m 24), but i’m looking at them crazy for having kids lol

                  • <3

                    Lol!! Girl, you need better friends! And your new picture is crazy!! :-D

                    • Nikki

                      Lol right! Thanks girl. I was watching Martin last night. I had to find a picture.

                    • <3

                      You’re welcome. Lets continue to get to know each other. If that’s alright with you.

                    • Nikki

                      It is! I’m about to follow you. Time? Now lol

                    • <3

                      Lol! Do you have yahoo messenger? bluetopaz023 is my ID.

                    • Nikki

                      Ok. I haven’t used yahoo messenger in a while (like 8 years lol) So, I think I added you to my contacts. Let me know if you got a request.

                    • <3

                      I got it.

        • Roz

          Well then u’ll never be married with a puffed attitude like that.. Sometimes men can be that way but its not a bad thing..u are the one that represents them and makes them better.. They ate now the head and u are the neck.. Funny thing about the neck is can turn the head any which way it wants.. But ppl with ur kind of attitude font see that becuz u ant to be in charge.. Forget about that cuz it’s not gonna happen and if it does it won’t end well at all.. If he lives u and has ur best interests at heart then shaping u as well as ur attitude is not a bad thing!

          • NYC Gal

            It’s really sad reading your comments. It’s as if you’re trying to justify being married. You don’t seem to think that your situation may get worse bcos you just want to be married. I really hope the best for you but I don’t see your married situation getting better.

          • <3

            I don’t want to be married. I’ll live my life the way that’s going to make me happy. Meaning, I’ll only be with a man who will respect me just as I will respect him. There’s something really wrong with most women out here, including you. So desperate to have a man. That’s exactly why so many men act the way that they do. You teach people how to treat you. It’s very clear what life you live. To most ignorant part about this whole discussion is you’re making it seem like I’m asking for something bad. Lol! Poor women.

        • chaka1

          No offense, but you will never have a successful marriage or connect with your soul mate with that attitude. There is give and take on both sides and you have to let down wall. It’s obvious some close has hurt you in the past. My husband is a grown up 15 year old sometimes, and I have considered walking out many times cause it is so EASY to do. What’s hard is remembering that he is an excellent father and husband even though he can be a jerk when I ask him to take out the trash. He’s always there and provides for me and my kids. I can’t imagine life without him.

          • <3

            Asking someone to take out the trash and them not doing it is not being disrespectful. People do stuff that isn’t nice or as you say being a jerk all of the time. You’re thinking about small stuff, childish actions. Small things happen in all relationships that we have in life, it’s not just with our mates. Those things wouldn’t make me end a relationship. I’m talking about respect. R E S P E C T. If you read all of the comments that I exchanged with the other lady then you would know that we talked about cheating, physical abuse (everything that comes along with that), and alcoholism. Those actions are disrespectful and I’m not dealing with it. I won’t live a miserable, unhappy life just to be with a man. It doesn’t matter what you or anyone else says to me, I won’t be disrespected. Also, please note that I said that I’m not getting married, so a successful marriage is not something that I desire. No offense was taken by your comment though, please don’t taken any from mine. Last thing, no one has hurt me in those ways. But I’ve watch many women around me be hurt in those ways though and I refuse to live that life. My parents taught me better than that. When you respect yourself, you think the way that I do.

            • Ms. Kameria

              You said that. I agree with damn near all of the points in your whole thread.

            • Nikki

              Yeah, I think she missed the whole “never getting married” part lol Although, I believe 100% in marriage. I agree with everything you just said and I don’t see the harm in people not getting married. As long as they are happy, what’s the big deal? Why are people so concerned with what you are doing in life? You aren’t killing anybody!

              • <3

                People haven’t been taught to agree to disagree. I don’t pay them any mind though. No one will ever make me feel bad or make me change my mind about certain things in life. I find it funny that usually the ones who are in screwed up marriages try to talk the most trash to me.

    • Roz

      So true. My husband ranked 6 outta 10 on here.. Especially the 1st two..but look at it like this.. Do the good out weigh the bad? And if it does do u think u can do better without him? Ask urself is it really that bad.. Been married 8 yrs now.. He may be controlling but I wouldn’t trade him for the world.. He usually had my best interests at heart.. I’d rather that then single and thirstin for a man like my single friends who still complaining think they know everything but still no husbands.. Love my girls but I stopped talking to them about my husband al long time ago.. That just created more damage the anything!

      • chaka1

        True. Don’t discuss your marriage issues with your single friends who have never been married.

        • <3

          You’re not supposed to discuss your relationship issues with anyone. Unless you choose to go the spiritual or professional route.

      • NYC Gal

        Sorry but you ain’t any different from your single friends! You’re just as desperate, thirsty and willing to put up with any thing from your husband just to stay married. Your single friends actually got it better than you bcos they don’t have a controlling husband in their lives. You better hope your husband doesn’t get violent and eventually kill you. Sorry but sometimes the truth hurts.