Why Her and Not Me?! 9 Reasons He Chose Her Over You

31 Comments
December 16, 2012 ‐ By Brooke Dean
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It’s a frustrating conundrum I’ve heard from countless women: “Why her and not me?” You stick it out and give him some of your best years, only for the relationship to fizzle and for him to wife up the very next chick he meets. One thing is clear, you wanted the relationship to work but he obviously wasn’t on that same page. You just weren’t “the one” for him. Love is a gamble, and we all take a leap of faith when it come to relationships. Most times, the end of a relationship just means you two weren’t meant for each other, and it took you going through the process of a relationship to discover that. But if you find that you’re in this situation over and over again where all of your exes send you a wedding invitation six months after you break up (if an ex would do that then you may have dodged a bullet because he’s a fool), then it’s time to re-examine the way you are in a relationship. He probably won’t tell you why he settled down with her and not you, so here are some things to consider.

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  • Hi

    Consider polyamory. Issue solved.

  • cyn

    As women, we have let this equality movement get the best of us. We choose a man that shows mere interest and hope he’ll fall in love with us. At the end of the day, it is man or in this case (woman) vs nature and nature will always win. The women who think they’re powerful enough to choose a man always lose. I am moving to a new approach and am waiting for the man who will choose me. The man who is head over heels and I’m his first choice and not one of his options. Most of the times, he’s not attractive or not where you want him to be financially, but the truth is his love for you is so powerful that the love itself will motivate him to be a better person. That’s just the truth of it, as women it is our job to choose from those who choose us.

  • cyn

    In every relationship that I have been in, I’ve been in love by myself and never been loved in return. I get treated like coach and the next up gets first class treatment. When I ask why it’s always the same answer “I just fell in love with her” sometimes, the woman doesn’t even have anything to offer. Men just fall in love differently, if he’s not head over heels for you on day one he never will be. No matter how much of a catch you are.

  • Della

    P.S. The article is very damaging because all the points assume there was something wrong with the one who didn’t get chosen.

  • Della

    This is a very damaging article. Usually the man chooses her over you because she is at his same emotional level. Usually it is because both of them need to learn from each other to have that next level of a secure, healthy relationship. So think of it this way. You were probably at a higher level of healthiness and ready for a better relationship. And to that, count your lucky stars. The next one will be better.

  • http://twitter.com/KEVINFERERE Kevin Ferere

    What about the fact that she puts out. How’d you leave that one out?

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Yep. And they should discern whether he’s “passing the time” early on before they even get to the commitment stage. Screen those men early and often before you waste your time and share your body.

  • Nat

    Number 6 is spot on. Word to the wise, “Open your mouth.” Communication is the key. There isn’t enough patience in the world to deal with a woman who refuses to communicate her issues in an open and adult manner. Not only does the “He-Supposed-to-Know” woman appear silly and immature, she also seems secretive, shady and subversive. Not a good look by any measure.

  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    If it is not a good man, in hindsight, you will feel so much better that he married the next one and not you…even if he has changed. If he is/was a good man then that just means you two didn’t have the long term compatibility needed for a marriage.

  • heyheynow

    I think these reasons were pretty good but like someone else is it’s mainly that she tolerates more

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    No it’s simple, the same way he told me: “You really have been good to me, the most dependable woman I’ve ever known, but at the end of the day, I just don’t feel the same way about you feel as you do me and I can’t give you what you need from me.” That’s it. No list, no drama, just a simple, I can’t force something I don’t feel for you. *shrug* and there it is. LOL needless to say he is now engaged to the next girl after me . . .

  • Gye Nyame

    The best gift a woman can give herself is the acknowledgement that she will not be every man’s “it” girl. This saves precious time b/c you won’t play the “I’m gonna make you realize that I’m great, and you’re gonna love me” game. If he doesn’t see all those qualities you love about yourself…let it go and move on. My husband was in a 4 year relationship with a woman that was the “perfect” girlfriend and she wanted to get married, but they broke up. He met me and 6 months later he proposed I moved in, and by our year anniversary we were married. We’ve been together for over 10 years now, sometimes it’s chemistry.

    • mochaaa

      That’s beautiful.

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      Ouch, that sounds exactly like my last relationship down to the 4 years, marriage, perfect girlfriend part! LOL but you right though, it’s really just about chemistry. . .

    • Renee

      JUST BECAUSE HE MARRIED HER DOESN’T MEAN HE WILL BE FAITHFFUL!!! he cheated on his first wife, once a cheater always a cheater.. he’s a liar and a player!!!
      He was on multiple websites and off then on them again!!!!

  • Madeline

    You conveniently forgot to add “She puts up with more ish than you do.”

  • Joules

    My hubby dated his last girlfriend before me for four years. We met and got married within seven weeks. I might “bring more” to the table but I’m also emotionally distant, I don’t communicate better, I’m far more likely to fly off the handle than she was, and our timing was horrible. The reason we got married? We simply work. That’s all.

  • Meyaka

    I’m the next chick he married,I’m all of the above but I think he married me because he loved me more than her,not because I’m better than her.

  • Hola

    These fools have troble deciding on what underwear they want let alone a companion… I can’t. If he left that’s his lost. Keep it moving girl

  • C’mon son

    Way to perperuate the women are crazy mantra. Your list contradicts itself because the woman who speaks up for herself and doesn’t let a man walk all over her is probably viewed as crazy and emotionally unstable. Ladies, trust your intuition, acknowledge the red flags, and if there is no effort in progression in the relationship on his part, move on. If you do that, your best years and months won’t be wasted. He KNOWS when he’s stringing you along; he’s just too selfish to care. Good riddance. Let his game playing self be “her” burden.

    • Stylnista

      Hand clap! That’s about it in a nutshell

    • John Doe

      First) On #5, was it meant to say “complement” instead of “compliment”? But moving on….

      Speaking as a man I have to say I was surprised at how well put
      together this list is. I’ve looked at a few articles/lists on this site
      and none of them were too amazing until I saw this one. I’ve always been
      curious about what women believe when it comes to men since I think a
      lot of women’s sites and magazines can give bad advice but this article
      is great for the most part. These are almost all pretty accurate. I personally, as well as other men I know, do not view women who stand up for themselves as crazy. If a woman investigates, asks, and thinks before taking action then she is rational. Standing up for yourself and speaking up doesn’t have to mean coming at a man acting as if he has already done something wrong.

    • http://twitter.com/KEVINFERERE Kevin Ferere

      Nope. Just cuz she checks him doesn’t mean she doesn’t have balance. A good woman knows when to shut up.

  • Mia

    Wow! This list is crazy! I think the only one that was spot on was timing. All these negative things about the woman, what about the man? My friends’s dude left her and married the next chick right away. He didn’t change his dbag ways at all. The new chick left after a year.

    • Momogian

      Well I think this article’s not really meant to hurt women or to make them feel bad. It’s just a few things that the author feels the female readers can benefit and grow from. Heck, some people don’t know about these or realize their faults. I think the ways to grow are from messing up and/or reading about em before you hand so you don’t waste time messing up! :)

  • AJ389

    Yeah whatever, I trust my immaculate skill to have his *$$ looking in the mirror saying the same damn thing. “Why HIM and not me?” Ha ha, I had to do it………

  • http://twitter.com/bagaybon Bagay Bon

    #5 is pretty spot on.
    I like to check women against their own check list so I can see if their crazy.

  • IllyPhilly

    It don’t matter why he left. Girls chase men and women replace them. I’m putting three fingers up and he can read between the lines while I keep it moving.

    • L-Boogie

      LOL!

    • Nat

      Uh you are so fabulous!

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      LMAO!