#RealTalk: The Reasons Why You Attract Douchebags

September 11, 2012  |  
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So every guy you get involved with ends up cheating, being non-committal, dropping off the face of the planet, making a terrible boyfriend or in one way or another, being a douchebag. And you’re beginning to think that you—your particular personality, or maybe the way you look—attracts douchebags. Well there’s good news and bad news: you’re not the type to attract douchebags. You’re just the type to welcome them in.


What is a douchebag?

Honestly, a “douchebag” could be a great guy in every other capacity of his life, besides as a boyfriend. He could have a wonderful relationship with his mother, be a tremendous philanthropist and a stellar businessman. But, for your purposes, any man that lets you down is a “douchebag.” Any man that plays games with you, cheats on you, is not a very dedicated boyfriend, speaks condescendingly to you, drags you along through a casual relationship or treats you a little bit better than a booty call just so that he can keep you around as a booty call is a douchebag.


Why is that a douchebag?

Typically when you meet a guy, he knows what you want. Do you really think that he had the “misunderstanding” that you wanted to be in an open relationship? Or that you were happy to be a booty call? Or that you were perfectly fine with only hearing from him once a month? Come on. Men can be dumb, but not that dumb. A douchebag is a guy who knew all along what you needed and wanted, was unwilling or unable to give it to you, but gave you the impression that eventually he would make you happy, just so that he could keep you around for his own purposes.


Douchebags don’t have a “type”

Douchebags are attracted to anything with double X chromosomes. You didn’t have the misfortune of drawing the one jerk in the bar to you. By the time he got to you, he had probably already powered through a handful of other women that had the good sense to turn him down. So, please eliminate this notion that the bad guys are attracted to you specifically.


You just let him stay

The reason you’re reading this article is because you’re exhausted of dating, as well as terrified. You believe that every guy will screw you over because so far every guy has. This is where the bad news comes in: you let them screw you over. And by letting them do that, you let yourself develop a negative view of men, which means you’re quickly closing yourself off to the possibility of meeting a good guy because you don’t want to meet any guy.


You ignored the signs

There were always signs from the beginning that a guy was a douchebag. If you look back, you could probably name them now from the way he spoke to the bartender the first night you met him to how long he took to respond to your texts to the fact that he was making secret phone calls in the backyard. There were always signs but you told yourself, “There’s gotta be an explanation for that behavior. It must just be a rare occurrence. Maybe I’m seeing things the wrong way.” And you told yourself this because it allowed you to continue to live in the delusion that love might come your way with this person.


You’re blinded by love

Every woman wants to be loved. We can want it so badly that we’ll tell ourselves love is there, when it is not. We’ll hold onto that lie as long as we possibly can. Any time he fails to meet our needs or wants we never put it on him. We always come up with an excuse for him. We refuse to take it personally.



You had to see the worst

We will hold onto the lie that it’s “not personal” until the man does something so horrible that we are forced to realize we were lying to ourselves all along: he was a douchebag. We refuse to see the small, but clear signs that a guy is no good for us. We are on a suicide mission and only once we hit rock bottom (via the guy cheating on us, not committing after months of casual dating, keeping us as a booty call for eternity etc.) will we acknowledge we were falling the whole time. But this is where we cheat ourselves.


Stop being the victim

If you had simply trusted your gut and walked away at the first sign a guy was a douchebag you would feel empowered, as opposed to feeling weak, vulnerable and taken advantage of as you possibly feel now. Things could have ended by you saying, “This is no good for me. I’m out” versus by him completely breaking your heart.


And that’s how you stay energized

The more you allow yourself to get screwed over by guys, the less energy you have for them. Each time you step into a bar you feel like bait—you feel like every man is a land mine just waiting to blow you to smithereens. The male species begins to frighten you. And that’s because, by refusing to trust in your knowledge—to read the signs in the past that men were douchebags—you now believe that you don’t have that knowledge anymore.



It becomes a viscous cycle

You think, “I didn’t see the signs last time and I won’t see them again. I’m bound to be heartbroken. Why even try?” We women can get very in our own heads. We beat ourselves up over past mistakes and patterns, and down spiral into thinking those patterns have taken over us. The more times you ignore the signs that a man is a douche, all so that you can chase a lie, the more you will build up this vision of yourself as a meek, unintelligent woman that always gets screwed over.


Feeling pretty low now?

The last thing I want is for this article to reinforce those negative feelings, so you need to walk away with a set of signs to look for. Once you have these written down, you are held accountable any time you ignored these signs, and got your heart broken. You have to recognize that that guy didn’t break your heart—you broke your own. Hopefully that won’t happen and you’ll just trust the signs.


Signs Part I: Communication

If a man takes all day, or multiple days to return a text or call he is either A) Too busy to prioritize love in his life right now B) Dating someone else C) Not emotionally ready to let someone in, therefore he lets his brain fill up with many other tasks and thoughts so that he forgets to respond to you or D) Is not that into you. Do not make excuses for a man that fails to communicate efficiently. If he’s not there on the phone, he will not mentally or emotionally be there in person.


Signs Part II: His World

If a man does not invite you to meet his friends, his family or his co-workers and does not invite you to office parties or to any parties but only wants to see you alone he is either A) Embarrassed of you B) Sees you as a booty call so why put the effort into introducing you to people? C) Doesn’t have a social life which is a problem in and of itself or D) Terrified of or unable to incorporate somebody else into his life.



Signs Part III: How he is as a boyfriend

If a man never plans anything special for the two of you, surprises just for you, makes no effort to spend time with your friends or family, does not take an interest in your work or passions, makes you do everything on his terms, hardly prioritizes alone time with you: he is probably not going to marry you and if he does, you’ll be miserable. A man that acts like this is not a grown up, and he is not going to become one within a relationship. Sorry to break it to you but you cannot change or train a man—not in such basic and fundamental things as being thoughtful, compassionate, considerate, generous and empathetic. Those are all qualities the man I described here does not have.

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  • Reality

    Stupid is Stupid does.

  • HonestTruth

    Well with so many women nowadays that are real Losers themselves, that really explains it.

  • NaturalDiva

    Wow, I wish I would’ve read this two years ago when I was in the throngs of relationship dealing with sign number 3 in the flesh….thank God I did not marry that jerk!!! I couldn’t see it then, but the break up was the best thing ever for me in life!

  • jlive

    Aren’t there just more douchebags nowadays? It seems like many guys are told you’re the man for being a douche just make sure to change up your game when you’re ready to settle down (or maybe not even then).

  • Bruce

    Websites with popups are developed by douchebags

  • That’s great, further convince this country’s individuals they are always right, the definition of not letting you down is so flexible it could constitute the girl being downright tyrannical. The reason he thinks he is always right and why she thinks so are often along the same path, for goodness sake, what kind of behavior is going online to read reinforcing information you had about a cognition of yours that has not been discussed? Human beings are people (Shocking, I know) and trying to train people to be everything you want them to be is called dehumanizing in psychology, and depersonalizing someone or attempting to will make every love interest you have ever had resent you, and in the process you will convince yourself that you resent them. The reason douche bags hold on the longest? Because by expecting everyone to be held at a higher standard than yourself, dare I say expecting them to be perfect, you will always get the person best at faking perfection, because no one is perfect. And by expecting ideal love, you are merely setting up a subconscious excuse not to work on the relationship, because, after all, if he isn’t perfectly “Mr. Right”, then it wasn’t meant to be, right? People need to think about their own actions as much or even more than they think about others, because not being in control of your actions or thoughts is the same thing as not being in control of your life.

  • MissJo

    girl, you preached a sermon with this one…and let the church say AMEN.

  • TatumPascal

    Was going to read the article but I am not going to click through fifteen pages…MN do better…

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  • Sunnycocoa

    Common sense…if he’s a jerk when you meet him he’ll be one when you’re with him……

  • Danni

    This was probably the best “article” I’ve read on this website. It was filled with a ridiculous, one-sided, bias opinion and it sounded intellectual and well thought out. Aside from that, I believe that everything the author said is true. The way she defined “douchebag” and all of the components within and the way she gave tips at the end was great. I was in the douchebag slump for years, I’ve finally escaped it and I refuse to go back. If the man I’m seeing or trying to see is no good for me, then he won’t be with me at all. I don’t have time for any more douchebags. Thanks Julia for the awesome read.

    • Danni

      *******It was NOT filled with bias opinions********

      • Cold Hard

        Nobody deserves that and you’re attractive…take advantage of the many options you’ll get from that alone. There will be good guys in the mix.

  • lovey dovey

    All true..Especially the very last page. I had to learn this the hard way after a year of dating & becoming engaged to a douchebag. I’m glad I was able to walk away.

  • keyshia

    ok this article just confirmed for me that im married to a certified douchebag, he has all the signs 123, and trust me i blame myself i saw all the signs n ignored them, and YES!!! MY LIFE IS MISERABLE WITH HIM. i dont know why i havent filed for a divorce as yet guess im still living in that delusion but thanks to this artile for putting it all into perspective im going to take a few steps now. Damn this article was like reading my entire relationship with my husband.

  • IllyPhilly

    This is just a good title. Too many pages to click through, guess I just may be a douchebag as well.

  • Machelle Kwan

    Some people are just cursed to be alone and that’s just the way it is. Some people have a life filled with love..some don’t.

    • CarlaKah

      Thats the easiest most useless way of looking at life and love.. G.I.T.

    • realadulttalk

      I think some people choose to be alone by pushing others out of their lives. I don’t think anyone was meant to live a life without love though. Whether it be parents, siblings, friends, or children–everyone should be loved by someone.

  • Nope

    The type man you want, doesn’t want you and/or has better options.

    • I know you got voted down a lot but I agree. Case in point why there are so many bitter men haunting Madame Noire. That rejection stings like a mofo and they can’t handle it.

  • Erin

    Awesome list…



  • Reese

    Yeah, this pretty much sums up where I’m at as far as dating is concerned at this present time. I am terrified to try and get out here and started dating again or even involving myself in something could possibly lead to something more serious. I know it’s my fault because I didn’t heed the painfully obvious signs, but I’m scared I’ll make the same mistakes again, so why bother.

    • Goingthrough

      I was discussing this very thing with a male friend two weeks ago. The article was spot on and I take full responsibility because a guy can only screw you over if you let them. Some of them are painfully good at “playing the game”, but most of them are not. I’m approached by guys all the time, but I don’t know how to pick between the good and the bad. Now, when I meet a guy I shut down and lie about already being involved in a relationship.

      • Big Mike

        Do the approaching yourself, if you see a guy who you think could be worth your time.

        I tell people all the time that women approach men, but they don’t believe me. They do it with body language and/or they will start light conversation. That is their way of “hollering”. FTR, I myself have never thought of these women who try to engage me as ‘desperate’ as so many think will happen if they openly engage a man. Not true.

        If he turns out to be a thirsty fool, then use the exit strategies that you have always used.

  • MsRedBone

    This may be good but I’m not about to click 15 times so…in my opinion people only treat you how you let em….

    • realadulttalk

      I don’t read a lot of the things on here for that very reason.

  • mrs.j.cole

    this was good. now can y’all make one bout why do we attract unattractive men

    • Janay

      OR why are men’s standards in women’s looks increasing as women’s standards in looks are simultaneously decreasing

      • JaneDoe

        Men have more options. Women are pretty much narrowing their list down bc the men pool is pretty slim.. Hope that answers your question

        • Janay

          The pool is very slim for black women looking for black men. The whole dating game will statistically change since more black women are dating other races.

    • realadulttalk

      I can answer that…b/c they have more guts. Once you’ve been rejected 100 times…what’s 101? The unattractive man expects to be rejected.

    • Dave

      Great comment from a female douchebage!