Hate Baby Mama Drama? Here’s How to Avoid It…

47 Comments
September 8, 2012 ‐ By Brooke Dean

 

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Being in a relationship with a man who has children with another woman may not be an easy thing to navigate, especially if there’s baby mama drama involved. If you have no children of your own, you could feel isolated in your interactions between him, his children and his ex. While this may not be a perfect or ideal situation or you never thought you’d find yourself in this type of relationship, there are ways to make it work, even if there’s conflict involved. If you want the drama to be kept to a minimum, even if the baby’s mama hates you, here are some things to try to keep your relationship strong and your sanity in tact.

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  • trying

    I am in a relationship withathe love of my life I love him so much and he loves me two but he have 2 kids with this crazy woman that drives me totally crazy and I feel like I am ready to gave up forever but every time I try to let him go he dont let me its been 5 years of nothing but stress and drama I dont know what else to do should I go or should I stay

  • Kayo

    I would not date a man with children.

  • Adrina

    When a man tells me he has kids, he gets approximately 1 minute of my time after that. I let him know this will probably never turn in to more. I’ve met plenty of guys with no kids than to settle for this BS drama..Sorry! and I’m 29, men w/ no kids do exist, ladies.

  • Miss Anonymous

    I once had a guy to try to talk to me and we was getting along great until he dropped a bomb. He said he had no kids but he did. His daughter was being born the next day on day two of us talking. He said his baby mama had moved and she was acting funny to him. I ran faster than the roadrunner and let him know that his focus should be on his newborn and not on some new booty that he isnt going to get. He did his rant on black women not being understanding of his situation (yes he really did, the kicker is that his baby mama had a girl.) That was in February. He now has some white girl 5 months preg with a boy (so he basically had unprotected sex with another woman while his first kid was only two months and yet complained how his baby mama wouldnt let him keep her). smdh they both trashed his other baby mama on facebook. Im soo glad I meep meep like the road runner out of that messiness.

  • Nope

    I guess for some reason the moderators didn’t like my other post about this. But there is actual a BM syndrome (Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrome):

    A mother who unjustifiably punishes her divorcing or divorced husband by:Attempting to alienate their mutual child(ren) from the fatherInvolving others in malicious actions against the fatherEngaging in excessive litigationThe mother specifically attempts to deny her child(ren):Regular uninterrupted visitation with the fatherUninhibited telephone access to the fatherpaternal participation in the child(ren)’s school life and extra-curricular activitiesTile pattern is pervasive and includes malicious acts towards the husband including:Lying to the childrenLying to othersViolations of lawThe disorder is not specifically due to another mental disorder although a separate mental disorder may co-exist.

    • Fly Chick

      Uh…correction. Is this REALLY about a malicious baby mama? Or, does the fault lie with a trifling man that is all about his needs over his wife, woman, or child he should be committed to the welfare of taking care of? What is the technical term for these men? I could think of a few, actually.

  • Negress

    While I do not begrudge a dude for having a past, I also have a right not to have his baby mama in my future. When things are the best between you and your S.O. those chickens come home to roost. She may lay low if she thinks you all are just kicking it but if you get something from him that she never had like say a proposal she’ll manifest. When you marry, do not be surprised if she blows a head gasket even if she’s halfway across the country. He won’t shut it down right away because it’s like a subtle stroke to his ego. His ego goes, “If she acting like this I must have really put it on her.” Act 2: if you go off on a tangent the plot just thickens. She acts up, you react, he steps in when if he’d just step up in the first place he could just nip it in the bud you wouldn’t have so much residual to deal with. Baby mamas may be a lot like drugs, “Just say no!” A baby mama is like new growth no matter how you relax and color they’re going to show up. Don’t start no stuff won’t be no stuff.

    • Cinnamon71

      Let the church say amen! As I am getting older, I don’t have time to play games. Life is too short. It would be nice and ideal if things didn’t work out, exes could be civil with one another but more often than not, that isn’t the case. That’s why it is even more important for both parties in a relationship to use protection if they are not married. It’s not fair to child to grow up without both parents together taking care of them. People need to stop being so non-chalant with sex and understand all the variables it holds(STD’s, pregnancies, hurt feelings, etc.)

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      LOL you’re right.

  • MsRedBone

    The only time you have baby mama drama is when one (or both) of them have not truly let go. If there wasn’t still inappropriate feelings still involved 99% of the drama wouldn’t exist. The man shouldn’t move on until that ish is over and done with or HE should check that ish AS SOON AS it gets outta line. Most men don’t do that. I could go on and on about how disrespectful these baby mama’s are out here but that would start a riot!! LMAO

  • Cellie

    If you’re under 35, then it’s definitely possible to opt to date only childless men and women. But as you get older, then the chances that you’ll find someone who’s never been married or in a LTR are pretty slim. These baby mama tips also apply to ex-wives.

    • KamJos

      More reason to expand to other races as you get older. It’s not like that everywhere. There are some men who manage not to have children even if they’re in their 40s or 50s.

      • Fly Chick

        Co-sign on this. A lot has to do with acceptable norms in different races. If you don’t want to deal with a man with kids at 35+, you might need to explore “other” racial options. Not everyone man is down with having a baby mama or two, etc….

  • http://www.sistavoyage.com/ ChakaKhanian

    One thing I’ve noticed with the whole baby mama drama thing is that many times, the true drama ends up involving the new girlfriend and the baby mama and not the DADDY! The daddy will sit back and let you two go at it, while he just calls her ‘crazy.’

    • lol

      this is what really gets me!

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/thesapphireempress96?feature=results_main A.J.

      All the more reason to leave that type of dude in the first place.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/thesapphireempress96?feature=results_main A.J.

    The solution to this problem seems very simple to me. If you’re dating a man with kids, and his ex shows the slightest bit of crazy, run in the other direction (meep-meep!) You can tell a lot about a person by their dating past, as well as by the way that they treat their exes who have their children. But if a man has such a wild woman as his baby mama, there’s a part of me that will wonder what drew them together in the first place. And I agree that a lot of this mess could be avoided if people made better, more thoughtful decisions about who to get involved with. At the same time however, there are so many women who are scared away from being a stepmother (and understandably so) because they don’t want to deal with this, and the kids are the ones that miss out. Although there are some insane women out there, I don’t think that people should rule out dating someone with kids, because all situations aren’t the same. Anyway, the advice in this article is great.

    • Kayo

      “If you’re dating a man with kids, and his ex shows the slightest bit of crazy, run in the other direction (meep-meep!)”

      “But if a man has such a wild woman as his baby mama, there’s a part of me that will wonder what drew them together in the first place.”

      “Although there are some insane women out there, I don’t think that people should rule out dating someone with kids, because all situations aren’t the same. Anyway, the advice in this article is great.”

      In all three of those statements, you specifically label the woman as the problem, whether it be because she is ‘crazy’, ‘wild’, or ‘insane’.

  • Cinnamon71

    I also prefer to not date a man with children. I don’t have any children and I’m not looking for a ready-made family. However, if I do choose to get involved, it will be with someone who has one child by one woman and he has to have a respectful, civil relationship with her. If I even sense any drama, I won’t hesitate to leave. Been there and done that….

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      I’m right there with you.

    • Adrina

      Exactly!

  • good Cookie

    If u have kids early then grow up and move on then ususally u accept a partner with kids because u have them but some baby mommas are just jealous and miserable because the daddy stepped his game up. I say pray and make sure you are not being disrespected. Stupid babymomma usually run out of options.

  • Darren

    Make better choices in men and you won’t have baby mama drama.

  • Darren

    Make better choices in men and you won’t have baby mama drama.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anthony-Muthapukkin-Tinney/100001244269956 Anthony Muthapukkin Tinney

      Telling that to most b/w is like telling them to do brain surgery with no training.

    • Native_Noir

      THIS!!!

    • Adrina

      I agree to a certain degree. Some men have 2 or 3 baby mamas & just eff’d up all around. Run from them! But if men make better choices in your sexual escapes (like using protection) and you won’t have babies. But since this is the topic we’re on, it is a man’s responsibility to step up and take control of a situation like this. This can not be blame on a woman who is wanting to settle down. For the most part, you don’t know there’s drama until later.

    • Kayo

      Typical. Tell women what they need to do while never addressing the behavior in men.

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    I didn’t even have to read the article to tell you the best way to avoid it is to get married to a decent man first and then have his children or if he already has kids, make sure he has a good relationship with the mother of his kids before you start dating. . .

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Que-Stevenson/1204180733 Que Stevenson

    Page 3 is the kicker! Let him do the talking….but if he doesn’t and just let the baby momma talk to you any ol kinda way….it’s hard not to defend yourself. I guess you have to just love yourself enough to know it’s time to go at that point! (talking to myself)

    • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

      If you are just a girlfriend while the baby momma disrespects you then it’s time to let that relationship go if it happens more than once. If you are the wife, you are permanent fixture and need to let it be known that you, her, and him will need to come together to successfully co-parents the kids. After all, it is about the best interest of the child NOT PEOPLE’S HURT FEELINGS. Just my opinion.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker

    You wanna know how I avoid it?By not getting with a man with kids!!There’s still alot out there.I completely stop talking to a guy if he has kids shallow maybe but I’m 21 years old and a college student why should I settle for a man that already began a family…I can’t deal with the jealousy and the competition.

    • joyce

      of course you are 21. some college aged adults arent even responsible enough to go to class much less work on a consistent basis. so what makes anybody think they’ll have a sensible relationship with someone? Your friends/spouses/boyfriends are fragments of you. it just that we cant see their faults as our own too. find the right person whether they be with or without children. you’ll know who’s worth your time.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker

        Yea I feel you..I just don’t want a guy with kids because most of the time the baby mama and them still have something going on and they obviously had sex without a condom so either they were serious or he was just plain irresponsible.

    • http://www.sistavoyage.com/ ChakaKhanian

      Mouthful said right here! You are NOT shallow. You are on the money. Just don’t let these folks out here make you feel bad for having this standard. I had people make me feel like I was scum of the earth for having just doubts about dating a man with kid(s). My favorite comment from them- ‘don’t fault him for having kids. If you had children, you wouldn’t want someone to treat you like that.’ Treat him like what, lol? Well, after several experiences of giving these complexed relationships a try, I am like ‘whatever!’ Life is already complicated, I don’t need a man’s baby mama drama. Dude should handle that mess before starting a new relationship anyway. Better yet, try to work it out with her- you’ve already created a family anyway.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001665451613 Myesha Mee-Mee Baker

        Ikr I don’t need that in my life!

      • lol

        @chakakhanian:disqus
        ^^this!!!!

      • Miss Anonymous

        Yes!!! I once had a friend tell me how I was so selfish because I didnt date men with kids and needed to get use to most men having one kid (even if they didnt tell you about it) at our age of 24. smdh She on the other hand only dated men with no kids because she wanted her kids to come first with the man and for him to treat hers as his and felt it was okay for her with 3 kids to diss men with kids and complain about how he would treat her kids second to his kids.. She hopped from childless man to child less man and had 3 kids by each childless one. Well she got married to a man without kids and they have a kid together. He posts pics of the kid he has with her (only one) while she posts pics of all 4 of her kids. Kinda ironic isnt it?

      • Kayo

        Your friends told you not to fault him for having children while they would probably turn around and fault a woman for having children.

    • Negress

      Even if all is well now, if y’all last there’s a stage
      disguising its self as graduation, weddings, holidays, spring break, and summer vacations where the curtains are drawn back and the drama unfolds.

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      At 21 you’re right you don’t need an instant family. But if you are still single when you are 30 plus the likelihood of a man not having kids/ex shrinks considerably.

  • Yokessm

    I never knowingly dated a man with kids, I don’t have any so why should I bother. But good luck to the women that do.

  • brownkutie

    I thought this was a good article. I lot of it is from common sense and wisdom. Just confirms that you it takes a lot of love, patience and being secure in who you are to be involved with someone who has kids. If the other party is serious about pursuing a relationship with you, I advise to inquire as much as you can about his/her involvement with the ex so you know up front where things stand.

  • Nope

    Most women like this don’t have parental problems with the man, they have personal problems and oddly seek acknowledgment and validation from the child’s father.

  • lol

    i read the first 2 and then stopped.
    i figured if i don’t have kids i’m better off dating someone with no kids.

    • Native_Noir

      CO-SIGN!

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I’m glad I never have that baby mama drama, I have a daughter with my ex husband but him and my fiance (who has no kids yet) get along well. But I knew women who had the baby mama drama, even my cousin. She started dating her boyfriend and his baby mama would spread rumors about her having AIDS and my cousin didn’t do anything, the baby mama started hatin on my cousin ASAP.