The Secret Life Of The American Rapper: Why Can’t They Admit When They’re In Love?

August 1st, 2012 - By Alissa Henry
"Nelly and Ashanti"

Source: HelloBeautiful.com

I understand celebrities trying to keep their private lives private, but when a hip-hop artist is in a long-term relationship, I believe that the public needs to know about it.

Why?

Mainly because I am sick to death of male entertainers perpetuating the idea that effing every girl in the world is the pinnacle of success while they’re living this secret life of monogamy whipped by one woman for years.

It’s one of the reasons I wasn’t a fan of Jay-Z and his secret relationship with Beyonce in the early 2000’s and why I’m not a fan of Nelly now. Nelly has been with Ashanti since at least 2004, yet nearly ten years later, he is still saying “we’re just cool”. That doesn’t even make sense. The man can go on national television and admit to watching Bridezillas, but he clams up like an oyster when it comes to admitting he has a girlfriend.

I’m not trying to come down on Nelly. He is probably one of the tamest rappers ever compared to some of the downright insulting lyrics these other rappers spit and call music. However, he is a prime example of entertainers in general being more comfortable sexually objectifying women than admitting one woman is the object of his affection.

In his “Bye Baby” song, I think Nas called these men “fake pimps”. They’re definitely fake.

With unplanned pregnancies, HIV, and general lack of true love running roughshod through the black community, it is utterly irresponsible for rappers to continue to promote destructive behavior as though they’re not contributing to the problem. It’s worse when they don’t even believe in the life they’re selling. Why not just sell the alternative?

In his Op-Ed “Jay-Z Should Rap About Marriage”, writer Jozen Cummings asks:

When are we going to hear one of these married or crazy-in-love rappers like Jay-Z rap about holy matrimony?

Jay-Z prides himself on keeping it real, and what’s more real than being married?

To be clear, hip-hop doesn’t have a vulnerability problem. There are plenty of rap songs about the ups and downs of being in a relationship, but marriage? In rap, it might as well be called the M-word because almost no rapper wants to say it in a song, let alone write three verses and a hook about it.

Jay-Z is definitely not shy at all about his wife in public, but Jozen raises an excellent point. Jay-Z can have an entire song titled “Big Pimpin” but where is the song about being a husband?

DJ Cotton who interviewed Paul Wall, Bun B and EZ-40 in his piece Happily Ever After: Life As A Married Rapper says:

Usually, the only time you hear the word “marriage” in Hip Hop is when a rapper is talking about being married to the game, married to the money, married to the music or some other non-human entity. Once every blue moon you’ll hear a rhyme about a down A$$ chick or a ride or die broad, but it’s rare that you’ll hear the word “wife” uttered out of a rappers’ mouth. For some reason, talking about marriage in a music that is roughly 30 years old now is still a risk.

Maybe rappers don’t talk about marriage because they’re not married. I can understand that, but plenty of them are in loving relationships, so why not talk about that? Why choose to embody this reckless persona? So many rappers are whoring through the industry and have no qualms admitting that, so we need more men to step up and say they’ve laid that life aside.

Of course some supporters will say that pretending to have “ho’s in different area codes” is part of the image and we shouldn’t be surprised when we find out that Ludacris is actually dating a woman in medical school and that his daughter’s mother is running for Delegate to the DNC. We shouldn’t expect people like P. Diddy to confirm he’s been in a relationship with Cassie for years. Some will argue that they have an image to sell and it’s okay for them to promote a fictitious life. I disagree.

If these guys can parade their misogynistic viewpoints and lifestyles of indiscriminate sex around through their music, then they need to be able to admit — in the same venue — when they’ve found true love in real life.

What do you think?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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  • realadulttalk

    Because none of us are a part of these relationships–who is to say they are actually monogamous?? Look at Snoop–married–seen more with random chicks than with his wife. On another note–in that industry people are often discouraged to disclose that they are in a relationship for fear of a loss of sales.

  • Mabinty

    “Mainly because I am sick to death of male entertainers perpetuating the
    idea that effing every girl in the world is the pinnacle of success
    while they’re living this secret life of monogamy whipped by one woman
    for years.”

    AMEN!

  • bluekissess

    How is rapping about money, ho*s, and more money entertaining? I’ve heard those words so much I’ve become a little desensitized. I agree with the article and I would love for one of these rappers to answer that question.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anthony-Muthapukkin-Tinney/100001244269956 Anthony Muthapukkin Tinney

    I get what the authors saying:If rappers make songs about how great it is to be married ,all b/m will jump up and want to get married too.Wow,you all really do think b/m are SOOOO stupid that a song is going to dictate our actions,as if we can`t discern fantasy from reality,or make life choices on our own.

  • Nancy

    I understand the authors point. Rappers are known for leading double lives. At the same time, one of the reasons I don’t talk about other people’s relationships is because I am not part of the relationship or have 1st hand knowledge. This is a quote from Nelly “Like I said before, me and baby girl are real cool. It’s not going to change until we want to change it. Nelly said people think it’s only his decision on whether or not they
    discuss their relationship publicly–it was a mutual decision.:” Now I’m not a celebrity. I have been a relationship for 10 years. I got engaged this year 1 week after our 10th anniversary. We made a mutual decision the summer of ’02 that we would keep our relationship private. Our family and very close friends knew within 3-6 months. We didn’t say we were together in public until people kinda knew. Why? We didn’t want pressure. We didn’t want questions. We didn’t want gossip. We wanted to stay in our little bubble for as long as possible. So I know 1st hand that it’s not always sinister. When we let people in our heads it caused issues in addition to growing pains. Those pains didn’t involve cheating, but people grow and change. We know we are blessed to still be in love and call each other bffs after all these years. It wasn’t pain or dram free. Imagine that, with baby mama drama & infidelity not being issues, we went through it. We forget we are individuals. It’s a lot of give and take even if you are compatible. I wish we weren’t so quick to assume and let them stay in their bubble. I remember those days, no pressure, just love. Ashanti is probably shaking her head and saying “if only we knew.” That lady stay cheesin. Good for her.

  • queenbe2u

    i will definitely admit that nelly play too damn much. but ashante along with other women in everyday life allow it. seriously i dont wanna be with a man for ten years, living together, paying bills together and have him refer to me as his friend, boo, queen bee, babymoms etc… now that i think about men have a thousand names for a woman that will prevent him from saying his girlfriend/wife lol never thought about it like that. As far as rapping about it music…come one now im a chick and i dont wanna hear that lol. its all about the illusion. we know you married but we still want you to “seem available” besides who wanna listen to a full cd about killing N***as, trapping and then going home to their wife and kids lol it dont even look right typing it right now.

  • ATF

    People always question Nelly and Ashanti’s relationship but on his Behind the Music he admitted them being together or special in that sense. Their relationship is just that THEIRS!

  • sabrina

    at the end of the day, most of the demographic that actually buys and supports their music doesn’t wanna hear that marriage talk. it’s sad. and we could talk, but money talks so talk mo’ bucks.

  • Kayo

    They care too much about what their ‘boys’ and other men think.

  • jaimuziq

    Their cowards!!!

  • Trisha_B

    Everybody knows the persona these rappers put out there are fake. I’ll say about 65% of them aren’t about that life. it’s all for image. Them rapping about the h*es, spending money on ridiculous things, etc is all for entertainment. It’s apart of their image to be “hard.” Drake sings/raps about love all the time but he’s labeled as “soft.”
    “When a hip-hop artist is in a long-term relationship, i believe that the public needs to know about it…” Uhmmm no we don’t. It’s THEIR relationship. If they wanna keep it private, let them. Beyonce nearly died when she slipped up at that one award shows & said “i wanna thank my husband…” Your making it seem like Ashanti speaks about her relationship w/ Nelly all the time. She doesn’t speak on it either. When asked questions about it, she just laughs or say we are just friends. No different than what Nelly is doing. I bet the minute Nelly & Ashanti come out & actually admit they are a couple rumors are gonna come out that he has a love child & sleeping w/ some video girl. It’s obvious Nelly & Ashanti are in love, you wouldn’t be w/ someone for 8 years if you weren’t. Everybody knows they are a couple, they don’t need to validate that. But yea, there are a lot of rappers out there that are married or in a serious relationship that we don’t know about. But then i think about LL Cool J, Snoop, Ludacris, Big Sean, & a list of others that are married or in a committed relationship w/ a woman that they bring to award shows or speak about.

  • IllyPhilly

    That is a sad thing when people like Snoop Dogg can be married for years and even say 2pac was the one who said he should stay married and be with his wife-the woman that he loves, yet on albums it’s face down…you know the rest. You ever wonder if the wives of these rappers are in the studio when they record those songs?

    • bluekissess

      Don’t you mean Snoop Lion? Lol. Another article should talk about rappers changing there names a billion times.

      • baddvixentype

        LOL he tripping. i for one aint callin that man snoop lion. i dont care if he does want to be a reggea artist now. SMH

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