Really, Though? Who Died And Made You An Authority On What’s “Real”?

August 20, 2012  |  

A few friends and I were discussing all the hilarious/crazy pictures and posts and rants and trending topics that we see on a daily basis via social media. Among the almost annoyingly frequent glut of pics and posts, we found that there is a trend of exclusivity. Various races, genders, music fans, sports lovers etc. seem to love telling others how real (or not) they are by their own standards:

“You’re a REAL Lakers fan if..”

“Only REAL Sistas [insert any number of actions]…”

“If you don’t know this song you’re not a REAL R&B fan…”

It’s a hit or miss situation. Sometimes they hit us with truth and it’s nothing but net, other times I’m looking around with a hardcore WTF! face thinking that folks need to just be benched for their crazy assessments of what constitutes “realness.” Today I shall call out my top 5 of the ridiculous “real” peddlers who haven’t quite thought through the BS they’re trying to sell. Don’t get your feathers all ruffled, just take a look and have a laugh:

1.      “Real women have their own place/pay their own bills.”

Um, heifer, I’m a broke, fresh MBA graduate who is actively (aka, desperately) seeking full-time employment. I live with my what? MA-MA. And I struggle with what? MY BILLS. All of this because of what? SALLIE MAE and her incessant minions (don’t let me catch any of them in the street. I’m jackin’ them up on sight!). I and a hefty percentage of young WOMEN who’ve recently graduated are experiencing that struggle. And ain’t I a woman?

We’re not “real” women because we’re between a rock and a hard place? I thought a woman is defined by her character and level of maturity? A lot more goes into that state of being than what you may or may not be able to pay for, like oh I don’t know… hygiene for one. You “might could” pay your own rent (Kudos!) but some of you “real women” haven’t learned how to neutralize your own body odor. Hit those underarms with some Secret. You look like a genuine fool trying to dictate who and what a woman is by your own standards when half of the time your own standards leave out the BASICS. Just do you and have a seat.

2.      “Real men like thick women.”

It’s baffling because I usually see females posting mess like this and… I just… *sigh* Where do I begin? In a society where we’re always protesting somebody or something for objectifying us and reducing us to body parts, how in the HAIL is it all right to use a man’s personal preference to test the potency of his masculinity? There are so many offenses in this one that I just cannot even deal. Bottom line: Real men like what they like! Thick women, don’t look down at your defiant muffin top and make such a bold blanket statement. It’s categorically untrue. I bet if you hit the gym & weighed in at 115, you’d be whistling a different tune. If you’re thick, be thick and proud but don’t use your weight to squash the skinny chicks as if there aren’t REAL men out there who would want a lil’ leg over a big ol’ breast.

3.      “RT this (graphic picture of a bleeding Cross-bound Jesus or a picture of a baby with a cleft lip…) if you’re a real Christian”

Really? Really? Y’all using my Jesus against me now? Oh, so you just decided that the real test of Christianity hangs on a picture retweet now? My chances of entering the pearly gates get shot to hell (no pun intended) if I scroll past your chain letter prayer or photo of a sick baby? Ok. Folks having actual relationships with Christ are trumped by their disregard for your annoying photos? Go straight to Bible study. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

4.      “Real wifeys know how to cook.”

*Shakes head violently* Nah ahh! No they all don’t! I know at least five young ladies right NOW who are happily married and should absolutely be banned from anything that requires even THINKING about food preparation. Their boos love them to pieces despite the fact that they probably would try to refrigerate a frozen chicken.


5.     
“Real hip-hop fans love [insert any rapper from 1980 until now]

Do you know this cat personally? You on his payroll?  Have you listened to every hip hop album since the inception of hip hop to be able to make such a statement? Have you not been told that your musical taste is not the be-all-end-all? I’ll be needing you to sit your non-authoritative self down and simply enjoy what you enjoy. If you’re a Jay-Z fan, that makes you no more (or less) a true fan of hip hop than a Common stan.

The moral of the story? Everyone else is doing them while, actually living their real lives, while you’re sitting at your computer… doing this foolishness. Using your opinion as leverage to exclude is so lame. Just do you and be done with it. But thanks for the laughs though.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries with Natural hair and lots to say. Her writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself  La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and positive change. Check out her thoughts/jokes/rants on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

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  • Julie Landry

    THANKS….for the REALNESS of REALITY …..As a Journalist Major in College …I APPRECIATE , Your HONESTY on the REALNESS of REALITY …..IF “I” was grammatically Incorrect in My GRAMMAR or Punctuation….I was Caught Up , In the Moment of YOUR “REALNESS” Article!!!! OXOXOXO

  • flyboy

    With regard to #1, I would think that a real woman with own place/paying her bills is more connected to a woman taking care of herself rather than relying on a man for support. IMO, a woman trying to get a job so she can be in the position of being independent would qualify as a real woman by #1’s standards.

  • msgeegee

    I’m a very petite. Always have been, always will be. Personally, I dont spend much time throwing shade at so called thick women and their bodies. that’s just weird. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Cant we all just get along?

  • ijs

    I was with you till you started shading thick women. Sounded a little jealy there.

    *Drake voice* I’m just saaayin

    • mia

      “maybe if you hit the gym at weighed in at 115, you’d feel differently”

      lol I’ve noticed skinny girls love to project and act like it’s the
      thick girls who want to be skinny when it’s really the other way around.
      Me and a lot of thick girls I know actually dread losing weight. And
      thick =/= overweight. Just something delusional fat girls and bitter
      skinny girls put in their heads to make themselves feel better.

      • Julie Landry

        I’m GREEN EYED , BLONDE HAIR, 5″ 9″, LEFT HANDED & Born on 9/11/61!!!!! STOP JUDGING …..I GIVE BACK DAILY TO MY COMMUNITY…..DO “U”?????? P.S. 140 Pounds as well ,who SEE PEOPLE !!! NOT RACE, WEIGHT, or INCOME!!!! Just want to EMPOWER ALL WOMEN!!!! Can U say the same …HUG ,& HELP …DON’T JUDGE & YELP

    • sabrina

      I personally am just tired of thick women tryna put down skinny girls. Some of us can’t help being skinny, so it’s offensive when thick girls feel like they’re better and that real men like thick girls cause “only a dog wants a bone.” I’m happy with my skinny size, and there are plenty of thick girls that are happy with their size as well. Can we just leave it at that?

      && I’m not coming at anyone, I’m just saying in general.

      • ijs

        whoa now, if anything i see more shade coming from skinny girls.
        “Thick now, fat later” and all that foolishness.
        But I know it’s just overcompensation.

  • Kayo

    How about, “Real women give head”?

    • Julie Landry

      CAN’T STICK THIS …til U LICK IT & “YES” to ALL MEN…..To GIVE is to RECEIVE!!!!!

  • Sallie Mae is the devil. -__- Smh,!

  • Amija James

    The chicks who say real men like thick women are usually fat!

    • Kristina Tramel

      Suuure “roll eyes”

  • Aha! I really enjoyed this article.. Spoken from an Aires like myself! 😉

  • Ms. Esq

    Great article. I love it. I have to keep remembering this “Just do you and be done with it.”

    • Julie Landry

      I’m 54 & Have been Shouting , Not just Saying,’DEAUX “U”” from Roof Tops for Years!!!!! I choose “DEAUX” , because i’m Both French & SOUTHERN, !!! Grew Up in New Orleans ,now residing in New York! YES….I could be described as a W.A.S.P. BUT , i APPRECIATE the HONESTY AMONG ANY WOMEN…Concerning JUSTICE & EQUAL RIGHTS!!!! Your Piece , gave ME , both HOPE & PEACE !!!! DO NOT JUDGE ….WOMAN MATTER….Keep Spreading the “REAL” WORD!!!!!

  • Gimmeabreak78

    This list was pretty funny. I especially enjoyed the “real Christians” bit. I delete thousands of sick kid pictures all the time, and have never felt guilty about it.

    • MLS2698

      Have you ever gotten the ” Christian ” real words of wisdom, send this message to ten people you know, modern day chain letter/text? I had to tell someone NOT to send any forwarded messages to my cell, lest I get real upset; I do not like being affiliated with, or have my # tied to some fool I don’t know based on someone trying to spread the ” real word.” Gets on my nerves!

      • that happened to me a few years back and that person was my auntie, she cussed me out via email and ever since i have not acknowledged them.

        • MLS2698

          Why? I just don’t like it when people mix social media/chain letters with Christianity. And I like for my phone to be clear of being linked to strangers/fakers. I’m all for the faith of Christ, but not from just any idiot that can text.

      • Julie Landry

        This Girl, concurs!!!!

  • Erin

    Hahahaha loved it!

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  • Michelle

    I swear…this has to be one of the most enjoyable and comedic Madame Noire articles that I’ve ever read. I just graduated from college and I am also struggling with bills, especially since Sallie Mae will be knocking on my mailbox in about…two months. If you catch Sallie and her cew let me know cuz I will surely jump in! Whoop that trick’s tail!

    • KJ23

      I swear Sallie Mae is going to pull a Godfather on me. Trap me at a toil booth, then a bunch of men with machine guns are going to have their way with me if I’m late on another payment!! The price of higher education…smh