You Can Do Better: Your Standards Are Too Low If You Accept These 6 Things

May 8, 2012  |  
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“That’s just how men are.” A sentence that pretty much every woman who fears asking for what she wants, or who doesn’t even know what she deserves, says to excuse her boyfriend’s inexcusable acts. But it’s never just how “men” are—it’s how that woman’s man is. Don’t ever believe that all men are like this, and that your only option is to deal with it.

Unconstructive Criticism

Men speak harshly to each other—it’s true. They say, “You’re a dumba**” and that’s the end of that conversation. But, any smart man knows that’s not how you communicate with a woman. A man should never criticize you purely for the purpose of being malicious. If a man criticizes you harshly and constantly, ask yourself this: “Did he end it with a suggestion of how I could be better? Or how I could make my life easier if I made certain changes?” If he just says it out of malice, then you know what you’re dealing with. He wants to make you feel bad about yourself so he can have some control over you. He doesn’t want to improve you or your life.

Feeling like a burden

When you invite your guy to a family dinner, a work event, a friend’s birthday party, etc., he shouldn’t have a hint of “But do I have to?” in his voice. And he sure as heck shouldn’t just come out and say that. He should appreciate every opportunity to become a bigger part of your life, even if he can’t always make these events or shindigs. He shouldn’t make you feel like a burden for asking him to. Don’t make excuses for him like, “Well I know the office party will be boring so it makes sense that he doesn’t want to come.” He should want to be there to make it fun for you!

He looks for a threesome

People have different opinions on this, but my opinion is that if a man straight up requests that the two of you have a threesome with another woman, he is basically asking for permission to cheat. If you suggest a threesome with another woman, it’s like you are offering your man a gift—that’s different. But, don’t think it’s okay and that it’s just “how men are” when your man wants in any way shape or form to sleep with someone else, and he actively seeks it out.

He thinks you’re dramatic about everything

If your man instinctively rolls his eyes anytime you get upset, or when you say you need to talk to him about something serious, essentially the communication in your relationship is out. He does not want to do the work it takes to make you two closer, and often that work entails unnecessary arguments or difficult/uncomfortable conversations. If he treats you like you’re a drama queen and makes you feel silly for getting upset, it’s not just that he doesn’t want to fight—it’s that he doesn’t care enough to work on your relationship and doesn’t care whether or not the two of you are drifting apart.

He rarely gets in touch

A man who wants and understands what a real relationship is calls you before his drive home from the office, texts you from the toilet, and emails you from his phone under the table at a conference if he has to. He keeps you in the loop, because that’s what being a partner is about. Don’t accept a man who you have to wait to hear from. This isn’t high school.

He won’t talk about your goals/problems

When you bring up an aspiration or dream, having your guy say “That’s great baby” and then turn the volume back up on the TV doesn’t cut it. When you bring up a fight you’ve had with your best friend, “That’s a bummer” followed by the above behaviors isn’t okay either. It means he doesn’t think he should be fixing your problems. The truth is, he should see your problems as his problems too and get on the case of helping you resolve them. Of course, he doesn’t have to get bent out of shape about them, but a wise word or two to offer wouldn’t hurt. Don’t make the excuse, “Well, I know it’s a stressful subject and a lot to think about—I can see why he wouldn’t have an opinion about it.” He isn’t 8 years old. He should be able to talk about life’s issues, be a good ear and help you come to a resolution.

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  • David Galehouse

    Agreed 100%… Men have changed. There was a time when men were kind. When their voices were soft, and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind, and the world was a song, and the song was exciting. There was a time… then it all went wrong.

  • Qualified Opinion

    Every woman you date does not need to be put on pedastal ( gold diggers, jump offs, drama queens, and direspectful types and you know who you are ). It never cease to amaze me that
    men are expected topursue, provide, and sacrafice it all just to make it work, I don’t think so !
    So fellas if you run into these “needy” unworthy chicken heads keep on stepping., because a woman who is worty is willing to give as much as she gets……Believe that !

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  • joanna

    Advertisement on the right side of the page is soooo annoying !

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  • Hiddenlustre

    I had a guy like this.. I hated it but I just didn’t like myself enough to be alone. but once I finally started enjoying being the single girl, his exact opposite sashayed into my life.

  • ann

    Madamenoire what’s up with the interracial couple? You are helping to perpetuate the myth on no Black couples. President Obama and Michelle has shown the truth of Black love, long-term relationships, and marriage, but still you call feel compelled to deny brown skin women their place next to the brown skin men. Why? What’s wrong with you people? You deny your own existence and create further disrespect and marginalizing of you in society.

  • Injynqbs

    Well fantastic these 6 haven’t been an issue for me but now that I find myself dating again for a while (or what ‘feels’ like for a while) I’m not finding anything/anyone “lasting”. I am apparently missing an article. lol

  • KJ23

    I needed this, thank you.

  • Van Sertima

    I almost forgot…DO NOT call, txt, or email your significant other all times of the day. This is annoying especially if he’s in meetings all day. Your calls become a burden because his suit is vibrating while he’s at a project meeting and that’s just not professional. If you must call, call at lunch and after work. Txting maybe cute once in a while ( 1X per 2 days) but don’t txt anything that requires a response because he simply doesn’t have the time and now you’re actually making his job more difficult. Now a well timed picture of you in lingerie can work wonders. Remember quality not quantity. Email, unless it has to do with the business of the house, apt, etc; forget it. But please for the love of god keep those “honey do” emails to a bare effin minimum. Your man is not an errand boy, don’t treat him like one or there will be a problem. No one that has a decent office job has the time, luxury, or liberty to return crazy emails. Btw only kids do that “constant communication” bs.

    • Hotgirl

      U sound stupid

    • Hotgirl

      U sound stupid

  • Van Sertima

    Imo women should take a second to think about how men communicate instead of attempting to force their methods of communicating into the relationship. Just because women have the need to communicate more frequently doesn’t mean their way is the only way to communicate. I understand women don’t communicate well and men have to pick up on their women’s physical hints and nuances to figure whats wrong with a bit of detective work. Because, by the time a women expresses her concerns it’s an argument. From her point of view she’s been trying to communicate her concerns for weeks. From a his pov this is the first time he’s hearing about it…at all. So blow up time becomes the only time she communicates after the subtle hints go pretty much ignored. Imo should take inventory: Do you talk about anything else besides “the” problems? Does every problem have to be a cataclysmic problem? Were your hints that something was wrong maybe a little too subtle?

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  • justme

    I have to say that the one “He thinks you’re dramatic about everything” is the one that affected me…and ill have to add what Krystal_Johnson1 said…”he makes every problem your fault”. Everytime I wanted to speak to my ex (was current at the time), about something regarding our relationship, he would tell me that i was bring a drama into the relationship…uhh no I just wanted to communicate an issue that feel has arisen in the relationship. Eventually i just stopped speaking on it and the relationship went downhill…Also the end the relationship was my fault due to me not having the qualities he wants in a woman and so on and so forth according to him..and that everything wrong in the relationship was my fault–his words. I learn he was a lunatic and still hadnt grown up to accept his side of the responsibility when things went wrong…Glad I didnt go too far into the relationship…thankful i did have kids with that lunatic…overall the article makes some really good points.

  • Van Sertima

    5, 6, and 7 are just not true.

  • passingby78

    My “significant other” does all that plus some. Today he called me a moron and  said I needed to kill myself. Then he said if I do not talk to him He would contact my new job and try to get me fired. I suffer from depression and he knows this he feels justified in doing these things and saying things because I cheated on him when we were not talking for awhile last year. He thinks anyone I speak to is some love interest man or woman and needs to view everything I have and check my phone records. He almost did get me fired by swearing and cursing where my supervisors could hear. I feel trapped he black mails me if I do not do what he says and calls mea w***e and moron almost on a daily basis. I don’t know how to escape him without him causing irrevocable damage. As I said I just started a new job and I am going back to school part time. 

    • Kgreene110

      get help with your depression.get on some meds that can help you see things differently. irregardless of what you suffer from, NO ONE has the RIGHT to treat you like you are sh*t so dont give it to him. you came into this world alone and when its your time you will leave it alone…. so why would you put up with someone who makes you constantly feel as if you are alone? you are worth the fight its gonna take to get away from him and focus on you. he has gotten too comfortable with whatever it is you two have, and the sad part is… so have you. you are not a child and even though he constantly treats you like one…you have to accept responsiblity for your part in allowing this to happen. own it and move forward. dont give up on you….u r loved no matter what.

  • Ckn Ihateveryonequally

    Any female who follows these suggestions BLINDLY versus a case by case basis DESERVES their man cheating on them w/some1 better!

  • CriticXtreme

    First argument and you’re out, do not tell the trick where you live, work, etc., do not see her in the daylight, do not meet her parents, do not take care of kid that’s not yours, do not have dual bank accounts, have a college degree, fulfill your dream, have your own place, have a good credit score, get 6 months to a year AIDs test. Black man follow my rules and you keep your respect and balls. When you don’t you become a pauzze and not the King that you should be. I was in a supermarket a couple an hours ago and saw a black man being treated by a sister like he was retarded and she was a crackhead. When I ask the brother why, she said “she has the keys..” He looked at me like he wanted to cry. This is an example of having your own and if you need to jump races to a becky, for respect, I don’t like it but I understand. 

    • No

      LOL!! SMH….not “He looked at me like he wanted to cry”…LOL

  • Yahoo

    Puh-leeze these damn articles kill me I don’t want a punk I want a man he’s not going to listen he’s supposed to fix it!! If he starts talking like me and wanting to do everything with me=clingy!! I invited my man to a threesome and he had a freaking ball and yes he even suggest it bc we have communication!!! We argue and fuss but at the end of the day we know we hold each other down…if that dude walk away every time there’s a problem THAT’S when you let him go in the meantime we are from Venus they are from Mars…make it happen

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    wish i knew this 4 years ago before my first love broke my heart last year. . .

  • Y’all got my blood pressure up with #1. I didn’t think I could get through this list. It’s a great article, but I hope most women’s common sense kicked in before they ever read this. I cannot imagine dealing with these issues daily.

  • Kisses

    This is why I don’t take too much relationship advice from women. The ones with lower standards can only teach you how to get on her level!

  • Ninasimona

    ” The truth is, he should see your problems as his problems too and get on the case of helping you resolve them.”

    haven’t I read on this very site here something about don’t make his problems yours a couple of weeks ago? So what is it??!! SMDH!

  • cin

    These points are right-on…..why was I so blind?  I finally woke up and most of the points listed led me to finally get the courage to leave my live-in relationship of 3.5 years a couple of weeks ago.  I’m proud of myself for realizing I’m much more important than he tried to make me believe. 

  • bigdawgman

    #6 IS WRONG!  Men and women don’t even speak the same language.  Women want to talk about things without being told how to fix it.  They just like venting sometimes.  Men hear a problem and want to fix it.  Men don’t sit around talking about their problems unless they want a solution.  The fights usually start when the man keeps trying to “fix” her problems, and she gets frustrated because he’s not really understanding what she needs.  And it is NOT easy for men to figure out what women are trying to say.  We just straight up don’t understand the language.  That being said, a real man will at least try to figure it out, and make sure to let the woman know she needs to speak “mannish” a little more so he can pick up on things.  And a real woman will at least understand that and meet him half way.  

  • knockcangetit

    Man… where do I begin on
    this one. SMH… First off, let’s start with the title… “Your
    standards are too low if…” well that’s a pretty big assumption. The
    assumption being that the woman the article is speaking to actually has a
    set of qualities that she’s bringing to the table that would warrant
    her having said “standards”. It always kills me when women have this
    long list of things they want in a man but when you get to that list of
    what they have to offer a man that list is often a whole lot shorter. Of
    course this isn’t every woman… just a lot. So beyond the title here’s
    my issue. Almost every point the article makes has to deal with a man
    suppressing his nature so the woman can keep hers intact. For instance,
    if it’s known that men communicate differently why is always the man
    that needs to change his communication style to accommodate the way a
    woman communicates – and not the other way around. The article makes
    mention of men needing to listen and talk more about the woman’s
    problems/goals/issues but makes no mention that from time to time she
    should probably just STFU. That’s my general issue with articles like
    this – way too much responsibility for the health of the relationship is
    placed on the man while the underlying theme is that the woman is
    perfect already and doesn’t need to change anything about her ways. So,
    what I’m saying is I think this article is complete BS. Whew… I’m

    • SK

      I see your point.  The article is coming from a biased viewpoint…and so is your opinion.  Relationships are about compromise. It can’t be one-sided in positive favor for either partner.  Each has to put up with their fair share of “bad” characteristics.  But both sides should have standards.    

    • Caroneisha

      I was thinking the same thing, and I’m a woman. But I had to laugh at the ” men needing to listen and talk more about the woman’s problems/goals/issues but makes no mention that from time to time she should probably just STFU” part. That ran across my mind as well. LOL!!

    • I agree wholeheartedly. Sometimes women do need to stfu because they have no clue.

    • Qualified Opinion

      I try to say as much succiently, but you nailed it.

  • LiiSH

    This list was on point. In fact I broke up with my boyfriend last Nov. over some of this bull. He kept insisting on me inviting a friend for a threesome and trying to bleed my money dry. SMH… He had to get gone.

  • DoinMe

    Women who are in these kind of situations–where they know he’s treating them badly but stays anyway–are usually at a low point in their own lives. We date at the level of our own self-esteem. If we are low, we date low-lifes, but if we are being boss chicks, there’s no way we would tolerate this kind of nonsense. It’s easy to say “up your standards” but if a person doesn’t feel worthy or down in the dumps, she won’t. A woman has to ask herself what the hell is going on within her, to make her tolerate these antics before she will make her standards higher.

    • Havusmiled2day

      This is real talk for grown ups….totally true.

    • Cl2623

      I like the above response. It is on point. “He is just not into you”.

  • FromUR2UB

    I’m not so sure about #7.  Some women just want someone to listen and sympathize with their problems.  They really don’t want to be told how to solve them.  A lot of men naturally offers solutions when women confide in them, but stop if they sense that she resents it.  They either learn to say nothing, or whatever they think will appease her.

    • True! A lot don’t want to hear rational solutions. They just want confirmation for their aspirations to being a well-compensated “victim.”

      • woman

        “rational solutions” = work harder above your comfort level like me–I’m such a big strong man and you’re just a weak, stupid woman who isn’t worth anything but doing the dishes

        what I want to hear = you’re on my side always

  • Krystal_Johnson1

    they should add to this one he makes every problem your fault.

  • Point #5 definitely hits the nail on the head! I can’t stand how often dating guys in their 20’s feels like time traveling back to high school. WTF? Communication is often lacking. If you can sit around watching TV picking Cheetos out of your belly button on your day off, then you can call your girl up and make plans or just talk. Otherwise, it’s annoying and a waste of time. So there’s a lot of guys I don’t give the time of day.

  • Noni

    I am definitely writing this down:)