Do You Want What You Can’t Have? Why You Keep Chasing the Unavailable

April 24th, 2012 - By Charing Ball

Photograph: Melissa Mahoney

Staceyann Chin, spoken word artist and LGBT political activist, has penned a very provocative piece in the UK Guardian called, ‘Why Chasing Straight Women Still Thrills Me.” It lays out the many reasons why lesbian women, like Chin here, love the thrill of chasing and eventually bedding straight girls.

Chin writes: “Maybe it is the thrill of conversion – and that is only if any such crossover can be deemed a conversion. Who is to say such conquests were not sleeper-lesbians, just waiting for the right moment to awaken? I suppose, though, through the right lens, the process could be described as evangelical, this business of meeting, and courting and having a woman decide to jump the heterosexual ship to be with you (even if it is temporary). More often than not, the crossover is accompanied by confessions of, “I’ve never done this with anyone before.” Or, “I’m not into women, there’s just something about you that makes me want to try this.” Either way, you are the chosen one, the messiah, the mandate that pulls her, magnetic, toward her most hidden desires.”

After getting all Neo on us and declaring herself the “chosen one,” Chin then proceeds to run down the list of a sure fire way to have all the lesbian sex with straight woman as humanly possible. The trick, she writes, is to not take yourself, or the interaction, too seriously and to “be platonic first” like the caring buddy, who will listen and be the shoulder to cry on about all the messed up stuff  like how disrespectful or inconsiderate her boyfriend is being. And then when she is at her most vulnerable, swoop in for the kill.

Needless to say, this editorial has stoked all sorts of flames online. Some of the comments accuse Chin of being predatory, especially for viewing her potential straight love interest as conquest.  Some of the reaction questioned whether a narrative such as this would be acceptable if written by a man. And then there are others, who wonder if Chin’s candor is a bit irresponsible in that it perpetuates stereotypes about the aggressive lesbian preying on innocent women.

Personally, I don’t have anything against gay women sleeping with straight, or I like to think of them as bi-curious, women if both parties like the idea. That’s not to say that I necessarily like or agree with her methods, but I do believe that there is something here that we all could learn from – regardless of sexual orientation of the speaker.

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  • Kai

    Great article. I have the same tendency also…to keep the unavailable men around……….I guess just to see if they’ll change…but running from anything real. I’m getting better because I’ve realized this, but realizing doesn’t make things easier…I can’t figure out how to stop, so I’m just taking it easy right now, steering clear of any relationships, but I still date. I know what I want mentally, but I’m trying to figure out how to get the rest of my being to want it also. 

  • Caroline

    Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! I love your honesty and I finally discovered myself in your article…
    I wish more women would come out of their closets and speak the truth.We all need to become more explizit about our emotions and stop playing in Rosemunde Pilcher novels!

  • HOUSTON TEXAN

    I THOUGHT THE ARTICLE WAS GOING  TO BE ABOUT SINGLE WOMEN CHASING MARRIED MEN

    • Jelly

      I agree. This article was misleading. She started off talking about the lesbian chasing straight women and then dove into emotionally unavailable chasing those that are emotionally unavailable. She’s comparing two different things: Chasing the unobtainable (straight women) for sport and going after men/women who mirror our own shortcomings. I appreciated her sharing her personal story, but it just didn’t go with the opening of the article.

  • Got2givitup

    charing ball is stepping on my toes all up an through here!

  • Tyyger28

    Love the honesty in this article.  I have found myself in the same situation over and over again and asking myself why I keep doing it.  I have recently come to the conclusion same as the writer that I am emotionally unavailable there for I continue with these types of relationships.  The first step is realizing what the problem is…. the next step (which is where I am) is working on it!!

  • Bluekissess

    I couldn’t enjoy the article because of too many ads/pop ups

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/HB2EZDGOE26ZXUUUH666QOL2ZQ Lola

    I love this kind of raw honesty, kudos Ms. Ball! 

    I, too, went through a period in my life where I only seem to want, more aptly chase, men that were emotionally unavailable. Much like you, although I hated the pain it seems I couldn’t get enough of it; and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t gravitating toward genuinely nice guys who only wanted my happiness.

    The sick aspect of it all was that if the emotionally unavailable guy made himself available to me, I’d lose interest in him almost instantaneously.  It took me a long time to realize my problem and come to a resolution – and I am better for it.

  • Ladybug94

    Pure garbage and the title is misleading.  You would have come out better writing about Pizza Rolls.

    • ariesdollface

      Excuse me LADYBUG94 but Ms. Ball put a lot of herself into this article and to call it “garbage” was an aggressively mean girl, bytch move!!! if you don’t like the article fine, but please don’t hide behind your computer throwing unprovoked insults!!! THAT is garbage!

      • Ladybug94

        Thanks for your response, however, that is my opinion.  Could I have been more gentle with it?  Yes, of course.  My intent was not to hurt the writers feelings but it did not seem like a whole lot was put into it and as a journalist I would think she would have tougher skin. I’m not a mean girl as a matter of fact I’m a grown women.  As far as hiding behind my computer, I have no other choice as this is the internet.  Although I don’t appreciate you cursing in your response (spelling it with a y doesn’t change it) I do appreciate your commenting on my response and pointing out that I came off as mean. Not being facetious.  We can all benefit from contructive criticism from time to time.

        • Superfly

          BOOM!lol! I believe it was misleading also

      • Bluekissess

        But you just insulted her? She’s entitled to her opinion. How can you get upset with a person whom you never met?