How To Cope With The Agony of Unrequited Love

February 9, 2012  |  

"Woman sulking"

Wallowing over unrequited love in a Shakespeare play (and even in a Judd Apatow movie) can be endearing and entertaining. We find these characters romantic—we believe they have the capacity to recognize a “catch” and we root for them to, well, catch them. In real life, if you have a friend who just won’t let a guy go, it is annoying, exhausting and depressing. If you are the one who won’t let a guy go, well…you just found out how your friends probably feel about you right now. Here’s why it’s hard to sympathize with the sufferer of unrequited love:

"Couple kissing at sunset"

You haven’t found your soul mate

Did you know that you are actually compatible with 1 in every 11 people? That compatibility is based on not only personality traits but chemistry too. I have to say it: to believe that you’ve found “the one” is childish. It’s just not realistic that there is only one person who you could be happy spending your life with. You yourself should know from experience—from having multiple breakups in your life, after which you would think I’ll never love again yet somehow, you continued to find new people who excited you. You should know the feeling of compatibility is something we experience time and time again. You’re not giving up the possibility for that experience by giving up this guy.

"People flirting at a bar"

The only chance you’ve got

I’ll be honest—you might eventually have a chance with this person. (I don’t want to give you too much hope) They might one day see you in a different light and want you, you just have to do one little thing…stop wanting them. If this man wakes up one day and sees you as a potential partner, it will be the day when he sees you’re dating other people and have given up on him. Why? Read on.

"Woman sitting alone at bar"

The catch 22

A man just can’t respect a woman who continuously pursues him, flirts with him, sulks in the corner when he is talking to someone else and clearly isn’t even making an effort to meet other men regardless of the fact that she is not getting the time of day from this original guy. It shows that that woman doesn’t respect herself. It shows she doesn’t hold herself at a high enough value to allow herself to experience other men. And if a woman doesn’t seem to value herself, why should a man?

"Happy young couple"

Who is this really about?

Why do you really want to be with this person? He’s good looking, kind, ambitious, funny—okay, whatever. Refer to point #1. You can just find someone else. And even if you can’t, it’s better to be alone than to be desperately pining after someone who will never love you. Typically, if someone just won’t let someone go, it’s not about the love interest, it’s about the lover.

"Woman looking in the mirror"

What he stands for

You might believe that having that someone would say something about you. Being with that person would confirm that you’re good looking, that you’re funny, that you’re successful. Whatever it may be—you see this person as a stamp of approval. But, you need to find a way to feel that stamp of approval from yourself. Otherwise, even being with that person won’t make you feel satisfied.

"Couple on date"

If none of the above applies

If you just can’t believe that you’ll meet someone else and if it really isn’t about an insecurity of your own but rather you simply are crazy about this person, accept other dates. Do it. Being in a state of unrequited love is much like being post-breakup. You refuse to expose yourself to other men when that is actually your cure. One date with one man—he may not be funny, ambitious, handsome and intelligent, but he might be 3 out of 4—and you’d be amazed at the power this has to make you go, “oh yeah…there’s a whole world of other humans out there.” You don’t need to go into it expecting to fall in love. You don’t have to do much work at all. Just be exposed to other men.

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  • guest

    Agreed about “the one” or “soul mate”…it’s just a matter of timing and wanting the same thing.  If the timing is right, anyone can be your “soul mate”.

  • When you just can’t get over a person you have to remember that you had a life before you met this person. And that life should have been a fulfilling one before you met them.

    Get your mind off of this lost love and get to remembering who you were before them, reflect over the growth and downfalls you experienced while with this person, and get on with your life.

    Death didn’t come all because this relationship ended so stop acting like life is over.

    Vermel Kinmon

  • Mysterykills…

    Unrequited love can be hard to get over but with time comes growth and understanding and what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

  • Micmcna1

    I’m a guy and I was just wondering if there will be a posting of this for how a guy can get over a girl. I really don’t believe the catch-22 works the other way and it never really worked on me as a guy. I can still have respect for a girl even if she isn’t pursuing other men and in fact it’s actually worked the exact opposite many times before because the girls would go after someone who was the complete opposite of me (not a christian or holding any belief in a God, thug type, uneducated brothers) who when I saw them with those guys, was like well clearly since I’m educated and have all the things she initially said she wanted, she must either be confused on what she really wants or I really wasn’t her type. But the thing is that most of this stuff you’ve given as advice for women, I’ve already tried. The worst is that I tried the last one and it didn’t work at all. Because(and I know it sounds like every hopeless romantic/unrequited love nutjob) it really did seem like the Universe or God or whatever wanted me to be with this girl. And you know why I kept thinking that…because I went out with a total of 8 different beautiful black women as I moved from east of the US to the west and they all had, as their middle name, the first name of my unrequited love.

    • Blah

      that is pretty crazy!

    • Mysterykills…

      I’m a pretty firm believer in destiny and that things fall in place when its supposed to be. I’d go out on a limb nd guess that one day, you guys will prob be reunited but until then you are going to have to try and live your life. For all we know, the next love of your life could have the same name as first girl. Good luck with life and love.

    • 4CloverLeaf

      Relax your mind. There is really no difference between sexes when it comes to love. If you truly love or have loved someone you will not be able to 100% get rid of the memory of them. The only thing you can do is continue breathing, cause she is cutting off your circulation. The more you think of her, the more grief, pity, disbelief and hurt you will feel inside. You went out with 8 different black women and compared all 8 to her because you’re stuck on ‘her’. God makes no mistakes, humans do! Who knows what your future may hold, but for now you gots to keep on truck’n.

  • MissK

    Ain’t nothing like a serious case of D**K ENVY to get a guy’s attention!

  • Thanks I really needed this article today!

  • Chynadoll

    This is a really good article

  • Roxy

    Good article. Especially the last one point.

  • anon

    Great advice:)

    • Kimca3000l33

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