The Trouble with Waiting for a Man to be ‘Ready’

102 Comments
January 3, 2012 ‐ By

Mixed response would be an understatement to describe the public reaction to Lebron James popping the question to his long-time girlfriend, Savannah, over the weekend. For the most part, people were genuinely happy that two kids and ten years later, Bron was finally going to move Savannah from side kick to wife, but that didn’t stop a whole lot of “what took you so long” reactions, as well as comments that at 27, Lebron was too young and too sought after to make such a commitment.

But perhaps that’s the very thing that kept him waiting for 10 years, as so many common men do as well—with women who let them. To be honest, I didn’t give much thought to Lebron’s proposal, other than feeling happy that Savannah was finally getting something I’m sure she’d been wishing for for some time.  But watching Jim Jones give Chrissy a ring on “Love and Hip hop” last night did cause me to feel some sort of way, and it wasn’t exactly joy. I think part of it had to do with the fact that Jim didn’t even get down on one knee—which I didn’t notice until my third time watching (don’t judge). But then I remembered he was the one who had been proposed to so I guess it was OK for him to just pull out the box like he did. I was more so annoyed that it took Chrissy saying she needed a break from him and actually leaving, albeit for a weekend trip to Miami, for Jim to get it.

It’s safe to say Jim Jones and Lebron James probably don’t have a whole lot in common, but they do have access to a lot of money and a lot of women, which doesn’t make the prospect of settling down with just one lady particularly desirable. But something else they seem to share with each other, and tons of men in the general population, is a need for a woman to prove her loyalty, and even “wifeability” (made that up) by sticking with him through thick and thin for inordinate stretches of time.

It’s no secret men and women operate on different time tables, and that’s especially true when it comes to relationships.  Men are more willing to let a good thing ride while women are constantly wondering when things are going to move to the next level, and the question that becomes hard for women to answer is how long should they wait for their man to be ready? I don’t think there’s any concrete number you can stamp on any relationship, although personally I think if we’re at the five-year mark we need to figure out what we’re doing in the long-run. Chrissy surpassed that mark by a year or two and Lebron and Savannah doubled that—while making babies in the process. Some would take that as a sign of building a family but it could’ve just as easily been the result of a faulty prophylactic. I don’t agree with those who say if Lebron is old enough to make babies, he’s old enough to get married. Fifteen-year-olds can have babies. But if you’re man enough to decide to create babies with someone intentionally, you ought to be man enough to marry her—if that’s what you both want. Creating children without a family structure is not OK, especially if you don’t know that the person mothering your children is someone you want around for the rest of your life.

But there’s a fine, and sometimes painful line, between waiting for a man to be ready and wasting your time.  I thought Chrissy was doing the latter, but it seems there’s no better reality check for a man like the threat of being left that gets those engagement wheels in motion.  Despite waiting a long time to give her a ring, Jim’s love for Chrissy never seemed to be in question, it was just a matter of them being on the same page about their future. Still, the smack upside the head that’s needed to make a man realize it’s time to step up seems far too common for men in long-term relationships. Perhaps the women have already stayed around too long without demanding more of a commitment that the men see no immediate need to progress but there also seems to be a need for men to feel totally supported before they agree to walk down the aisle.

When a friend of mine talked about the reason he married his wife, he said that she was the only one who stuck with him through all of his “BS.” While my first inclination was to ask, why did you put her through that BS in the first place, his narrative is a similar one I’ve heard from many men. They want to be assured that the woman they are with will be down for them no matter what, and after six to 10 years, I imagine you would’ve seen your man at his ultimate low. The question is, do you want to stand beside someone through all of that when you haven’t even made a marital commitment to them or would you rather find someone who doesn’t feel the need to make you prove just how long-suffering love is to get him to say “I Do.” And more importantly, while you’re proving your loyalty to him what does his hesitation to step up say about his commitment to you?

Every relationship has its own issues, and Chrissy, Savannah, (and let’s give T.I.’s wife, Tiny, an honorable mention here) definitely win the gold medals for sticking it out. In the end, these women appear to have gotten what they’ve spent many years waiting for, but only time will tell if the wait was worth it.

How long do you think a woman should wait for her man to be ready to marry her? What do you think are the signs that a man just isn’t ready versus he’s not the one?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

More from Styleblazer

More from Mommynoire

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Kath

    10 yrs is way too long to wait, but 27 is also quite young. So idk. I do know that, that set up could never have been me.

  • Smart move Lebron

    Sometimes the reason you wait so long is because you are intelligent. Just because you met someone who seems like your soulmate doesn’t mean you need to get hitched at age 18. Sometimes it’s better to wait 7 or 8 years until you are more educated, financially stable and mature. You can still marry the same person it is not a sin to wait until marriage and family seems financially smart. I am a girl and me and my boyfriend have been dating since 20 but while we have been dating for 3 years we both as of right now know we want to spend our lives together but we want to get married when we are finished with our masters and have a job around 26 or 27. A long dating period is a prevention against the rise in divorce we have seen in our parents not my boyfriend ‘taking me for granted’. I think he has worked very hard in this relationship and I consider us equals. If Lebron and his fiance met when they were 17 then I have nothing but respect for them until waiting until a normal marriage age of 27. After 10 years I am sure they knew they loved eachother and their lifestyles meshed well. Yound marriage rates are a major cause of divorce. My parents dated for 9 years from 18 until 27 before engagement and they have been married 30 years with three kids.

  • Jilliam

    I think it depends on your age. If you’re 21, waiting 6 years is not out of the question. If you’re 31 and you want children, waiting 6 years can mean giving up your desire to have children. 

  • luvlychoc

    I say just come to some kind of an understanding from the jump! If you put in 3 or more years and you don’t see the relationship going to the next level then keep it pushin! It’s ridiculous to waste your time on someone that isn’t on the same page as you.

  • luvlychoc

    I say just come to some kind of an understanding from the jump! If you put in 3 or more years and you don’t see the relationship going to the next level then keep it pushin! It’s ridiculous to waste your time on someone that isn’t on the same page as you.

  • Burito9245

    Update: Now that Chrissy has the ring she’s claiming that she doesn’t care if they don’t get married because she feels like she is already Mrs. Jones.  The article was very nice but it doesn’t apply to bone-head mentality women like Chrissy.  In her eyes she thinks the ring itself is enough.   I didn’t understand that comment after nagging the h#ll out of him about making a commitment and threatening(not that she was really going anywhere) to leave. You can’t put Chrissy in the same category as Savannah and Tiny.  These two actually stayed with their mates without complaining to the public and kept their business to themselves with class. We have not heard of sordid past histories with Savannah and Tiny.  Sorry, completely different stories/lives and in no way a comparison.

  • Burito9245

    Update: Now that Chrissy has the ring she’s claiming that she doesn’t care if they don’t get married because she feels like she is already Mrs. Jones.  The article was very nice but it doesn’t apply to bone-head mentality women like Chrissy.  In her eyes she thinks the ring itself is enough.   I didn’t understand that comment after nagging the h#ll out of him about making a commitment and threatening(not that she was really going anywhere) to leave. 

    You can’t put Chrissy in the same category as Savannah and Tiny.  These two actually stayed with their mates without complaining to the public and kept their business to themselves with class. We have not heard of sordid past histories with Savannah and Tiny.  Sorry, completely different stories/lives and in no way a comparison.   

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    I’m not wasting my good years on a man who won’t commit. It shouldn’t take you a whole decade to figure out if you want to marry me. Life is too short.

  • Jody

    I am actually going through this right now. My boyfriend and I started dating when I was 23 and he was 22. I didn’t feel that we were ready for marriage even at 25, but I am now, I know it’s crazy to wait this long, it’s been 61/2 years, I have had the talk many times with him, I have stuck by him through all the ups and downs, I’ve stayed loyal to him, but still no ring. I don’t know what else to do but move on. So right now as we speak I am leaving the cold weather for a new start in Miami where my family is, but…..without him….I believe I stayed because he is the one I saw myself with, and also I didn’t wanna start over again, I didn’t want him to change for the next woman after I put so much into our relationship. He doesn’t understand why I can’t wait anymore…I’m tired of wasting time….what else would I have to prove to him? His Mother and I have a great relationship too and it is hard to leave everyone not just him.

    • Candy

      Well props to you girl. It sounds like you guys grew together as a couple but after a while you were ready for more and he was still on a different page. I know its hard to just leave. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting more or wanting to get married when your ready. But its difficult when your with someone who isn’t on the same page as you with that topic. So keep ya head up.

      • Jody

        Thank You….

  • J’Nel

    A five year mark is my timing. Simply because I’ve set a plan for myself. I personally think before bringing children into the world you should have some sort of stability so they can know the values of love. Of course in this day in age not many people believe in marriage or long term relationships but I guess to each is own

  • Preciousnay

    Well I’m like some of you ladies. All though I am 22 and was with my ex who is 27 for 2 and a half years. Thought we would actually hit three. I did think that with being with someone just a little bit older than me did make a big difference. But now that we aint together I’m realizing that I got my life together more than he does and like I say I’m only 22. I think that being in this relationship made me learn so much about myself and the man I want to marry in the future. I know yall probably thinking you to young but I did have hope of getting married in the near future especially because it was talked about between me and him and i loved him. But it just seem like he was a little more all talk and no show or action. After finding out I was pregnant I actually HOPED things would change. Like a dumby. So when I watch these shows sadly I can relate not by choice. But I think it was a learning period for me. We lived together. He was leaving for deployment and I really wanted a commitment before he left because I had already went through a deployment. So I tried giving him “I’m done and I don’t want to do it no more.” And even though we were living together you not getting no goodies or anything else. It was really a lesson learned for me.

    I’m pregnant and I did not want to be raising a child alone let alone not married. I really looked back at a lot of things my dad said about my ex and he was right on point and I wish i listened. But I continue to tell myself I’m on track though. I finish my BA in Business Management in May this year and baby boy or girl will be born in that month also. And being in a situation like this was so emotional for me and I just needed to surround myself with family which helped. As much as I wanted to give in before I left him and just be like lets try to make it work I’m glad I didn’t because he has to learn. I look at it like I’m 22 I got my whole life and my child’s life ahead of me and I can’t be wasting time. He’ll be 28 this year and just doing the same thing. He says gotta get it together but this aint a new scenario. Which is why I’m like time ticking for you. But Hopefully all the new year talk is real and not just some more talk.
    Its nice to see that some of you ladies are doing real good since you kicked someone to the curb. But I just wanted to share since its fresh

    • Labelsrlove875

      Girl the was so good I didn’t even think of any words close enough for you to take out of my mouth!

      • Labelsrlove875

        wrong person sorry

  • Pingback: Is Mama E Getting Married? | WEDDING PORTAL()

  • Big Mike

    You never TRULY know what you have until adversity strikes.

    The sooner a man can figure out what you are when things are going bad, the sooner he will propose.

    I have seen it with one of my homeboys. His wife is a HELLUVA woman! They got married after three months.

    And might I add, neither of them are the ‘play the game’, don’t show your hand’ types. They are ‘what you see is what you get’, straightforward people, and boy did they hit it off. Inseparable.

  • Cher1ce

    I’ve been married for 13 years and I still don’t understand the desperation among most women to get married.  If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t commit. My husband and I still act like teenagers in love but we would’ve been just as fine without the paper.  (I’m one of those ppl who wouldn’t even commit to a gym membership or cell phone contract LOL.  If I can’t get out of it quickly, I don’t want it). 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003085266535 Courtney Small

    It all depends on the situation, not everyone wants to get married. If the two people are fine, without wanting to get married, then by all means do you. But it’s rude, and wrong to keep someone waiting. 

    • Kim

      Thank you!  When this subject comes up it is always assumed that all women want to get married and that is not always the case.  I have no desire to get married. I have been married before and know that the commitment is in the heart, not the legal document.  I’m 35 and am in a wonderful relationship nurtured over the years with the love of my life.  We’ve discussed marriage in the abstract, but I’m not really interested.  Things have been going well over the past years and I am not about to rock the boat.  Getting married doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is truly committed to you.  They still can leave if they so choose.  I’m not against anyone getting married because it can be a beautiful thing.  I just hope those who choose to aren’t in love with the fairytale.

      • Fhmouh

        I dont think the author assumed that all women want to marry.  And why do women who choose not to marry have to ASSUME that women who do want to marry do so because it’s a fairy tale.  Many men and women want to marry for various reasons, including religious, tradition, commitment, family unity, etc.  If you feel that you have those things without a marriage, GREAT.  But other prefer otherwise. 

  • Pivyque

    Assuming that the couple believes in getting married…Who says that she is waiting? There are women that aren’t ready to be married. My ex kept pushing the issue of getting married (we were together 6 years) and I just did not want to do it. He proposed..after I said that I wasn’t ready. I said yes but told him it would be a long engagement. I wanted to wait until I was comfortable in my career and location, as well as pay off my college loans. He didn’t understand. He kept pushing for a wedding date, so I left. I am married now because I am where I want to be in my life. I think a discussion of marriage should be had before getting into a relationship. Let someone know you have a time frame and don’t move in together before marriage. He and I never lived together so it was easier to leave. My friends tell me that their partners got comfortable once they started “playing house”.

    • GirlSixx

       “My friends tell me that their partners got comfortable once they started “playing house”. ”

      I’ve seen this play out as well.. I am from the old skool of thought, horse before the cart, marriage before cohabitation and babies because I believe once ya’ll start living together he loses all incentive to make you HIS WIFE, because he is already getting all the husband perks already (cooking/cleaning/laundry/co-bill paying/sex, etc.) all while keeping his last name intact but yet on the other hand I’ve seen it work out pretty well for some folks (mainly white folks, sad to say but hey!!! *shrug*) and the reason being is that because when they do decide to live together she is wearing the engagement ring already and the wedding is actually being planned.

      • Pivyque

        Exactly! It works for some people, but I do feel like there should be a difference between dating and getting married. Even after we got engaged, we didn’t move in together. We wanted to save that experience for marriage.

  • Msgonzo10

    Like anything else, it boils down to whether the two people in the relationship are on the same page. If you’re truly fine with waiting years, then who am I to tell you that it’s not moving fast enough. If you’re ready to take the next step but your partner is not, be they the man or the woman, you need to decide what you want to do and whether you will feel cheated by continuing to wait. This is typically a more pressing issue for women who want to have children but it can be as much of an issue for a man as well. Bottomline is whether you’re sticking around because you KNOW that person is the one for you or because you’re HOPING they will change/make up their minds sooner rather than later you can only control your decisions and just as you will enjoy the benefits if it works out how you hope, you will also have to deal with the consequences if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.

  • RMJ

    I’m in a wonderful relationship for seven months now.  We are committed to each other and in love.  We actually had this conversation early and I made it clear that I am wife material and I don’t and will not waste my time with ANYONE.  Ironically he brought to me that he was in a relationship for close to 15 years without marriage.  He stated that it was a huge mistake because you should know after two years rather you are with ‘The One’.  So the moral to the story for me is, people only do to you what you allow them to do.  Men know who they want to make a commitment to.  If i’m good enough to lay up with and god forbid have children with you, I am good enough to marry.  I will not devalue myself by waiting an unreasonable amount of time.  I may love him, but I love me more.  Walk away Ladies!!!!

    • Guest2

      YES

  • Guest2

    Well my system works like this. If a suitable man wants to  “court” me with no sex involved then we will talk over dinner about our goals, values, upbringing, where we would like to live and raise children and if he is financially prepared to support a family. If there have been any previous marriages etc on both sides and children from  previous marriages. We can meet each others families and hang out. Without sex involved there’s less of a chance to be emotionally attached to someone where there is complete incompatibity and then trying to “force” it to work.

    This courtship will last anywhere from 6months to a year TOPS. After that it’s wasting the mans time cause he’s spending money on dates, and the womans time because shes not getting any younger. If the two of us decide that each other are nice but there is little compatability then you move on. If compatibilty and chemistry is there, then you may very well have found your mate. I literally did this and it worked. I am now married to an awesome man who has the same faith, values, and education as me and we happen to be from different cultures. Im AA hes from west africa. And this is generally how courtship works in Islam. In my humble opinion it REALLY works.

    • DidiK

      Wow this is EXACTLY what I think courtship should be, I hope the same for me inch allah

      • Guest2

        Salam. Inchallah :)

    • Derique Marie

      RIGHT ON THE MONEY! Set things straight before you get too deep in. Go in knowing what he wants and what you want so there won’t be any confusion in the long run nor any complaints about what the other isn’t doing. Took the words right out of my mouth. In this generation though, let’s hope that we all find a love as good as yours because Lord knows, some people of this generation are eff’d up all the way with no morals. Pray for me lol

      • Guest2

        LOL.

    • Jilliambrooks

      The day I met my husband he told me that he was not looking to date, that he was looking for a wife. I told him that I was looking for the same. We dated with marriage as the end goal. If we seemed incompatible at any point, we would split. Six months after meeting we were engaged. We married two months after that. I think waiting three years to find out if the person is interested in marriage is REALLY ridiculous. What’s the point of dating if you’re not looking for marriage?

  • Guest

    I just got caught up with my DVR episodes of Love and Hip Hop. I didn’t find anything romantic about how Jim proposed if that’s what you want to call it. Even though Crissy proposed first, that’s wasn’t the proposal that most women wait for all their lives smh. If they were already playing house i dont see what the big deal was for him to finally put on his big boy pants and be a man about it.  About the article i am glad this was published and i am taking some advise from some of your comments. i can’t comment on how long is too long to wait because i’m currently waiting in my 3 year relationship. Due to my boyfriend’s career he’s overseas half the year or more, but promises have been made by him of only two- three more years of this situation. i’m being patient but I have my own timeframe because as mentioned women have biological clocks and i don’t want to look back on my life with regrets.

    • Guess

      Please Guest, there wasnt anything romantic about my proposal.  Of course I wanted the romantic setting,  fireworks, nice a$$ ring, the whole nine…. But I barely remember my proposal.  It took me a few seconds to realize what he was asking me.  Not because I was shocked b/c it was the complete opposite of romantic. LOL
       

  • Kayla

    And they say woman are the ones who play games. “testing” your woman by putting them through BS for years on end is a no no. In a world where men aren’t the ones who are encouraged to settle down with one mate. (typically woman are) if a man knows he wants to marry you then he will. Granted there are a few exceptions  to that rule, but the rule still applies. I had gotten a marriage proposal before, i turned him down(long story) but i asked him how soon did he know he wanted to marry me, he said within the first year of meeting me. And sometimes the man just proposes to shut the woman up, let’s see how eager Jim is to actually plan a wedding and walk down the aisle.

  • Sophia

    There is no concrete number, like the author said. But I believe that if you’ve made it past the 5 year mark, the marriage/future talks should be in rotation. It’s not fair and really selfish to waste the other person’s time if you’re not ready. I say leave if there is no resolution because at the end of the day I would rather be with someone who wants a true commitment with me than to be a leased girlfriend. 

  • http://www.bednp.com/ D&PCartel http://www.bednp.com

    The question is not how long but why wait after you’ve made your emotional demands?

    People don’t play with their hearts and they don’t play with their money. So if working for free in hopes that a company will finally realize they need to pay you seems crazy, why do we wait eons and eons for a guy to realize we’re worth that ultimate commitment?

    And let’s be real 99.9% of us are not waiting on a millionaire to make up his mind. (And yes the rules change almost drastically when you’re talking lifestyle changes)

    Vermel Kinmon

  • Guest

    If you have to issue an ultimatum to get someone to marry you, that’s a bad idea.  The fear of being alone should not be what motivates a man to marry you. Men can and do want to commit.  It doesn’t take 5 years and a bunch of crap for a man to figure that out if he wants you.  If it takes him that long, its usually because he’s settling and doesn’t feel he can do better.  I don’t know why any woman would want to feel that.  In such relationships its not uncommon for the woman to eventually feel unloved.  If a man can’t commit in a reasonable amount of time, then its usually best to leave and never look back.

  • maggie

    3 years should be the limitation. Women have egos too and we don’t want to admit that sometimes a man could sleep with you, eat with with you, have fun with you, meet your friends, say I love you, etc and not love you enough to marry you.  Move on my sister, move on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexandrea-Desteny-Gray-Corujo/1372317409 Alexandrea Desteny Gray-Corujo

    Marriage isn’t the tell all of a relationship and all the piece of paper does is guarantee you half (depending on  the state). No one should pressure anyone into marriage. Why can’t some people be married in their heart? I know most women believe that the piece of paper will protect them from cheating and etc but it wont. If you love someone and they love you why can’t you be happy with just that?

    • Tanar

      I dont know any woman who views marriage as an infidelity blocker.  From your view, you are asking why women dont place there desires aside for another person.  No one should do that regarding any matter, not just marriage. Also, many people believe in marriage for religious reasons.  If you view it only as a piece of paper then by all means dont marry.  But why question what others choose to do?

    • http://racheldachel.blogspot.com/ racheldachel

      It is so much more than a piece of paper or a “guarantee of half.”  First off, it is a symbol of your mutual commitment. Shoot, you sign a contract to join a gym or get a cell phone; but you don’t sign a marriage license and marriage certificate with the person with whom you want to supposedly spend your life and have children?

      It also makes you legally one in the eyes of the world. Yes, you are legally entitled to a portion of each other’s belongings, but you also have the right to make decisions for the other if one of you should become incapacitated. Sure you can be married in your heart, but the hospital will not recognize that when your boyfriend/man/baby-daddy/boo is in ICU and decisions need to be made. They might not even let you visit him if the rules state “family members only.”

      Marriage also offers a common thread for your family— you, your husband and children all having the same last name (I say offer because some women opt not change their names). It breeds a sense of togetherness, commonality and continuity. You go places as “The Johnson Family” or your holiday cards say, “Season’s Greetings from the Johnsons.”

      Most of all, for my husband and me, marriage was the only viable option. We knew we wanted to be together exclusively, have a home and a family and truly belong with and to one another. Our wedding bands are an outward symbol of the commitment we feel to each other and our family. They are a reminder every time we glance at them that we are part of something more, something bigger. We are people of faith and it was paramount to us that our union be recognized by both God and man.
      On a side note, I would not live with my husband prior to our marriage. We’re both too old to be playing house and that’s all that living together outside of marriage really is. For those who say they can’t afford to get married, a marriage license is less than $30 and an officiant is around $200; you can even have a friend get licensed online and perform the wedding for you for less than $100. Weddings cost money, good marriages are priceless. A real man wants to take care of and provide for the woman he loves and he wants her to be his both in his heart and in the eyes of God and the law. Real love is worth waiting for, but real men —good men— won’t make the women they love wait too long because they want the same thing too.

      • Tanar

        That’s the best response I have read on this site in a long time.

      • Cris1582

        That is an absolutely awesome response. You hit all of the important parts and validated the larger picture so many people miss.

        • Labelsrlove875

          I couldn’t agree anymore

      • Preciousnay

        I loved your response. I really never looked at marriage as a big deal. But growing up I have great examples. My parents who have went through a lot to be where they are at. And all i can do is want what they have. A lot of things that weren’t a big deal to me like living together, being sexual active with a partner are a big deal to me now. And I realizing that submitting to a man’s need when it comes to those things is like giving them something precious that they may not know how to handle or being deserving of. Being in the relationship I was in has really changed my outlook on the things that were once not a big deal to me.
        I loved you response

      • Labelsrlove875

        Girl the was so good I didn’t even think of any words close enough for you to take out of my mouth!

      • Sevn

        Awwwww! You had some good points especially the “boyfriend/man/baby-daddy..” part lol. I think readers can take something positive away from ur comment. Hopefully your marriage stays blessed:)

    • Mrs B

      Marriage is more than a piece of paper and that piece of paper doesn’t protect you fro anything. its the commitment that the paper and the promise behind the signature represent.  I don’t believe there is an arbitrary timeline but  I do believe if the union is meant to be for a life time then both parties will know in their hearts…and neither will be pressured or pushed into anything… my husband and I met and dated for a year, then were engaged for a year and a half while planning the wedding…our relationship is now 6 1/2 years in…. when it right and meant to be…. the conversation will naturally come up between the 2 people.

      I agree that no one should be or feel pressured to marry anyone… that is asking for disaster and heartache…..

      As a woman, I didn’t feel I should have to convince any man that it was his time to settle down and marry me… it is his job to decide that that is where he is in his life just like it was my duty to decide if that was where I was in my life…

      So to wrap up… the love and commitment should be in your hearts,in your minds, on paper as well as to the world….otherwise your not ready to get married…your not supposed to go into a marriage thinking of having to get out of it… because again..if those are your thoughts, your not ready..no matter how long you’ve been dating or how old you are…just my thoughts

  • justme

    I wish I were able to say that love had a timeline, but for me it does not. There are so many variables that exist in the lives of two individual people when deciding that they should become one. I am not going to make this a long statement. But I don’t believe that a woman should wait forever; however, I think we need to be careful because it is possible that you can leave because your tired of waiting on Tuesday and he can be preparing to propose on Friday. Marriage involves two different people, two different perspectives, two different cultures, upbringings, prior years of abuse (or lack thereof). My man was married previously and after being cheated on, he does want to get married again (one day), but for obvious reasons he is a little timid. But from my perspective, I am not going to let a good man go because of a time -line (as always, just my perspective).

    • Lbettis

      Best comment so far.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dutchess-Leigh/1372574541 Dutchess Leigh

    What happened to the old fashioned idea that the man has to ‘slay the dragon’ before he wins the princess’ hand in marriage? when did it all turn around?
    It now seems like the woman has to prove herself to be worthy of the ring, rather than the other way round.
    The reverse is boring…I want to be the princess in the castle damn it!!!!

    • HARDMIKE

      When the Justice System decided that men should be punished if they decide they no longer want to be married. And the fact that most rich men, regardless of what they do, or how they became rich, their marriages usually end in divorce when them losing a considerable amount of the things they have worked their entire lives for.

      You wont find many wealthy, rich or well off men for that matter, that became rich by sitting around, no, those men had to work very hard on a daily basis. A man has to go into marriage knowing that without a prenup, he may be on the hook financially for a relationship for a very long  time.

      And seriously, women make income a requirement for dating, certainly if I may potentially have to be financially responsible for someone for a number of years, then yes, she has to be the one. And if it takes me a couple of years to figure it out, and she not willing to wait,then obviously she is not the one. You want to be with me for life, but I have to make that decision in a time frame that isnt even 10% of the time we will be together? Well, let me make it so that you can understand what Im saying, its like just meeting someone and they say to you, by the third date, if  you cant cosign on a loan with me, I will find a woman that will. Its just stupid.

    • Guest

      Low self-esteem.  My mom is shocked by what women put up with nowadays just to snag what is usually a worthless man.  My mom didn’t have to put up with any of that garbage from my dad.  He had to prove his worth, but she didn’t act entitled.  She had self confidence, and she always showed how much she appreciated him.

      You can still be the princess in the castle.  It’s just up to you not to put up with crap from stupid, lazy guys.  There are still guys out there who want to be the play the role dragon-slaying prince.

    • Jason d

      Here we go again with this fairy tale bs.. women have been brainwashed since the beginning of time with that nonsense. Where is it written in stone when a man is supposed to commit to marriage? This mindset starts when women are young, just because u have a vagina and ur a woman that ur promised a husband and babies.. lol Gtfoh…

      • Msmykimoto2u

        Um, because God said so?

        • aqquippless

          Which god? Who`s god?Please explain.I`m not going for the “invisible man in the sky said so,so i OWE you something argument.”

          • Msmykimoto2u

            Oh so i guess you are one of those “Big Bang Theory-Humans came from apes” beleivers. Regardless of what you think it is “written” that this is the way its supposed to be. Im not pushing my beliefs on you but seeing isnt believing. Believing is seeing and I choose not to be blind thank you very much =) Have a blessed day

            • aqquippless

              My beliefs aren`t the point.The word GOD has been used to oppress the masses for multiple milliniums.So all i`m stating is “I” am the one that decides what i will do with my life.”I” decide if i want to be some ones husbands.”I” decide if said woman is of value.”I” decide if being married is of importance to me.”I” am the author of my life.Not the bible,koran,torah,ect..ect……

              • Msmykimoto2u

                So why get married if you arent going to commit? I dont understand. Even by law, a marriage is a union between two people. Why would a woman even consider marrying a man if he is just going to step out on her after making such a vow to one another unless of course you both decide on an open marriage…which I cannot…just ew. But if thats what floats the persons boat. Would you just never get married then?

                • aqquippless

                  Marriage is a “CHOICE”.Not an “OBLIGATION”.If you want to be married and the man don`t,simply leave him.”Don`t create an entire family,then cry foul when you don`t become a wife.Simple as that.And as far as the GOD part,I simply refuse to let b/w use god against me when i refuse to simply kow-tow and  OBEY HER DESIRES.

                • aqquippless

                  Marriage is a “CHOICE”.Not an “OBLIGATION”.If you want to be married and the man don`t,simply leave him.”Don`t create an entire family,then cry foul when you don`t become a wife.Simple as that.And as far as the GOD part,I simply refuse to let b/w use god against me when i refuse to simply kow-tow and  OBEY HER DESIRES.

    • Kayla

      it’s called the woman movement, woman want to be equal so that should include all aspects, just because you have a vagina and a pretty smile doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like a princess

      • License

        blah blah blah

        • aqquippless

          Intelligent response.You don`t agree,but you can`t rebuttal.Real mature.

      • Msmykimoto2u

        Yes man and woman are supposed to be equals. But the man is supposed to be the held of the household. He is supposed to treat the wife like a Queen and in return she treats him like a King.

        • Msmykimoto2u

          Im not saying the man should have it in his head that what he says goes and thats that. No. Both have to play their parts and earn those titles and be respectful and considerate to one another and keep God first

    • aqquippless

      What are you 6 yrs old?Listen, if a man going to be who he is,you have 2 options:!(1)Accept him AS IS.(2)Don`t accept,and keep it movin`.End of lesson.

    • Caramel_Delight321

      me too Dutchess!!! lol

  • Taunya73

    Okay, here we go. If they both love and respect one another, it is time. Now, I think that Jim needs to get her put in her place and set her straight on staying out of his business unless it directly involves her. He is not going to have a career left if she keep running everyone off.

  • Surael2

    I believe once you hit the 2 year mark there should be some talk of engagement and marriage.  I lived with a man 10 years and i would discuss to him about marriage but he didn’t budge.  I left the relationship after having a daughter by him.  Now at 44 I wasted a great deal of time with him for nothing.  I don;t see being in a relationship over 2 years and there is no engagement or anything.  Move on because the relationship is not going to go nowhere.  Ladies know your limitations, set your man down and let him know your expectations other wise you will get strung along.  Why give a man the benefits of being married when your not.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  Get priorities straight from the beginning.  If he runs oh well NEXT

    • Sophia

      Girl thats my threshold 2-3 years why any longer? x

  • Teflon Mom

    I think it depends on the age of the people involved.  I wasn’t in a position to think about marriage before 26-27…by that age “play time” is over and the idea of spending years with a man while he mulled over his commitment to me was out of the question.  Hubs proposed about 2 years after we started dating, but we knew a year in that marriage/family was on the table.

  • Tee2012

    putting a time frame on when a man SHOULD be ready to marry will end up in diaster

    • Beautiful

      I think some women choose to due to our biological clocks

    • Jeneen

      It wont end up in a disaster.  Simply put, the relationship will end.  That’s not a disaster.  The world wont end because a relationship ends.

      • Guest

        Agreed.  Leaving a dead end relationship is can sometimes be the best thing that could happen to you. I’m a man, and I know it doesn’t take men 3 years to figure out if they want to spend their life with you.  Don’t let someone waste your time and don’t be afraid to be alone.  There are more people out there.

        • http://www.blackplanet.com/neeniebeanie18 Janeen

          I am soooo glad you said this. Thank you! Sometimes women are so scared to start over we settle and we shouldn’t. But then again it’s all about timing. A man has to be ready to settle down and hopefully when he reaches that point you will cross paths.

        • Duckhuntley

          Thanks for responding Big Man:)

    • Sugar_Spice

      I couldn’t agree with you more, that man will resent you!

      • Ice

        A man shouldnt resent a women for talking about marriage.  I think most men who are in a long term relationships have to expect this. Unless he knows that the woman he is dating doesnt want to marry.  If he feels pressured or like it’s an ultimatum then that’s when the big discussions happen are decesions are made.

  • Mina

    I think it’s ridiculous that a person would wait that long to marry someone. I don’t think the typical person should wait longer than 3 consecutive years before they get married. If they are on celeb status or are making 7 figures or more I think they should wait a few years longer due to financial reasons. You would want to make sure that this person is trust worthy and not just using you for your money!

  • Gmarie

    you should at least be having serious discussions about it at the 3 year mark to be sure you are on the same page and still have the same goals. Especially if you are a woman who intends to birth children at some point. Time is precious, no need to be wasteful with it.

  • MrsBig

    I was with my ex for five years (25 to 30 yrs old).  When I told him that I am not going to be a girlfriend for another 2-3 years.  He made it clear that he wasnt going to marry until he was at least 35.  I said, “Dueces.”  Mind you, he said that I was making a big mistake b/c I would be starting all over again.  I took my chances.  Met a great guy – a better guy- and married him 14 months later.  Im now a mom and we are in process of buying our first home.  Im the master of my destiny.  My ex was a believer in marriage and having children w/in a marriage.  But we had different timelines.  And clearly we werent meant to be together.  Im the type that is not afraid to move on.  I have always been that way.

    • eve

      You go girl!!!!!!! I am the same way- never afraid to move on because you never know what is in store for you around the corner!!!!

      • Iknowwhoyouare

        GUEST why so angry

    • Guess

      Your story is very similar to mine.  I was in a relationship for 3 years.  I wanted more, he didnt.  It was a hard decision because he was a wonderful person – raised proper. But I moved on.  2 years later, I married. And now we have a baby on the way.  And I cant imagine being with anyone else besides my husband.  I think too many people are afraid to let go, move on.  Like the author said too many women put up with BS in hopes that a ring will materialize.  Actually, this particular ex use to question why people put up with BS in relationships.  Him and I had the same belief about relationships, if they cause you grief keep it moving.

      • Iknowwhoyouare

        GUEST take off the mask

      • Candy

        Wow like really. I know plenty of marriages that are lasting. How bout we say if God aint ya foundation then good luck. Afro american marriages are still going in 2012 despite your belief.

    • AJ

      And you’ll be divorced and single in another 14 months. lol

      • Iknowwhoyouare

        Hello GUEST

      • EJ

        Why are you even here, loser?

    • XYZEBRA

      You go, MRSBIG!

    • Msmykimoto2u

      Love it ^_^ Congrats!

    • HappilyEverAftah

      My story is similar except my ex was a first love.  We were high school sweethearts together on and off for ten years and long distance thru the college years.  All told I grew up in that relationship from 17 to 27 years old.  He had all sorts of explanations for moving slow as molasses.  I gave an ultimatum which he blew off.  A few months later, I packed my bags and relocated.  Within months, I met a wonderful man in his 30s who chose me for his wife on the day we met.  We married in less than a year.  11 years later, the rest is history.  What ex? :-)

  • Writingdiva

    Well personally I gave my ex a period of 2 years tops. We are both 28-29. I suggested a year of being engaged. When year two rolled around and no ring was in sight. I put up the deuces. 

    • sholla21

      You made the right choice. Never waste your pretty on a man who’s not ready.

    • Iknowwhoyouare

      GUEST God bless you

    • Noneya

      You cannot really judge Chrissy situation as real because so-called “Reality Shows” are scripted and produced for the purpose of entertainment.  The shows give us the impressions that the events we watch are naturally occurring but they are not.  People are being told what to do and say.  There is no doubt of Jim’s love for Chrissy but I wonder whether things would have worked out the same way if they weren’t on the show.  I highly doubt it.  Besides, Jim had a crush on Chrissy before they ever got together.  He pursued her.  Another reason why his love for her is on a different level.  Either way, if they like it, I love it.  Let’s see if it lasts.

    • Noneya

      Did anyone notice that Jim DID NOT get on one knee nor did he ask Chrissy to marry him?  He actually said, “You say you want to marry me” and she said “yes”.  What kind of proposal is that?  He basically just gave her the ring she’d been begging for.  Later, she let him off the hook by saying, “even if he never marries me, I’m good.”  WHAT????!!!!  All that hollering for a ring, not really for marriage.  Chrissy was after a ring.  Now she’s complete.  For now.

    • Kath

      I agree. Really should not go beyond two years. 18 months max, and even that seems like quite a stretch at age 28, or so.