The Baby Mama Issue – Revisited

7 comments
July 27, 2010 ‐ By Anslem Samuel Rocque

Anslem “NWSO” Samuel’s Naked With Socks On is an award-winning relationship blog. Each week, NWSO will share his candid thoughts on women, love, life and all the fun stuff in between with MadameNoire.

A few weeks back, I received flak in the comments section of MadameNoire for my now infamous post, “How Black Men View Baby Mamas.”

Some six weeks later, I’m still receiving angry responses. So, I decided to re-state my case.

First, the intent of my original post was that, we should decry the use of the term “baby mama.” We shouldn’t accept it because the broken family structure is all too common in our communities and I’d much rather more two-parent households.

Second, I never said that dating a woman with kids is totally crossed out as an option for me—because I know quite a few young mothers that are not only attractive but great women—but, for the point at which I am in life right now, I prefer childless partners. It’s my personal preference and I have a right to it…just like some women prefer a man that’s a certain height, complexion, earns a certain amount, or whatever other arbitrary requirement. At least I’m man enough to admit my preferences (although for the right woman I’m willing to do anything).

Thirdly, someone made a comment stating something to the effect of: ‘how could I ostracize single mothers when I myself am the product of a fatherless household?’ In essence, the person suggested that I was disrespecting my mother in the process. I have nothing but love and respect for my mother, not just because she gave me life but I witnessed her strength and determination as she raised me and my three siblings by herself.

See, I understand first-hand that all marriages don’t work. My mother was married and it didn’t work, but I wouldn’t ask her to stay in a relationship with my father just to live out my idea of a nuclear family. Along with marriages failing, husbands die and sometimes a child is conceived between two people who plan to be together forever, but, unfortunately, things just don’t pan out as intended.

My point in wanting to be married before having kids (i.e. preferring to marry a woman without children) is that at least I made a concerted effort to start from scratch, do the “right thing,” or at least what I consider the “right way.” I don’t want to be anything like my father, who rendered my mom a “single mom.”

For those of you women out there who are raising your children in ways that are best for your child, I say, at the very least: you are appreciated.

For more on NWSO’s relationship advice and bare-naked truth, as well as his popular weekly erotica series, Wet Wednesdays, be sure to check his daily blog, Naked With Socks On, here.

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  • http://www.NWSO.net NWSO

    @Gabulous

    No prob. I'm sure you and many other women do their best and I don't hold that against anyone. And I would never ask anyone to apologize for their child, that was the decision they made way before i was in the picture. I'm sure there are decisions that I've made that helped make me who I am.

    God bless..

  • MimiRose

    I had read Anslem's commentary about his choice in dating single mothers and I was not offended/anger/irritated, because Mr. Samuels was simply stating his preferences.

    The only thing that made me arch an eyebrow and give a side-eye was the headline for the article, cuz not every black man share that point of view. From personal experiences, I have male relatives he have dated single parents and they did not have any qualms with it. In fact, I have a relative who still maintains a positive relationship with each of his ex's children and grandchildren.

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  • MimiRose

    I find the picture (at the beginning of this article) to be so adorable.

  • awilkerson202

    This article has a completely different tone as the first one….nevertheless, I do appreciate the writer clarifying his feelings on the matter.

  • JustT

    As a single woman without any children, I find it difficult sometimes to have friends who are parents. You hit the nail right on the head, single people who aren't parents can pick up and go anywhere they want whenever they want. Parents can't. Sometimes I feel bad when a friend who is a parent can't take a trip, but I go anyway. So I kind of see where you're coming from.

No thanks