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I have a girlfriend who absolutely loves love. She is single at the moment, but she envisions the perfect relationship to be one where the guy takes her on dates to the museum, shares an ice cream cone with her while going for long walks, cooking together and having conversations in coffee shops about their favorite books. She is very romantic and wants the type of love that many of us see in movies or on television. So when she dates a guy and doesn’t immediately feel he will be able to provide that, she wants out.
Like the time a guy she was initially interested in failed her tests horribly during a date at a food fair where he didn’t want to share ice cream, didn’t seem comfortable getting very close to her, and at the end of the date, didn’t even initiate giving her a hug. When we talked about the outing, she was dismayed that she felt nothing. There was no fire. There was no romance.
Granted, this was only their second date. And while I could have questioned why she was expecting to be swept off of her feet so soon, I can respect the fact that instead of trying to see where things could go and either adjusting to a type of relationship she doesn’t want, or trying to change this guy into the romantic man in her daydreams, she was ready to step off and keep her options open. Some would say she didn’t give him enough of a chance and had too high expectations. Maybe she just didn’t want to ignore something, waste her time knowing things weren’t going to go as she hoped and eventually complain about it later. She knew what she wanted and wasn’t going to force any man to fit into that mold if they weren’t interested.
But if a guy you’re getting to know, or in some cases, have been with for quite some time isn’t the type of romantic you’re looking for, does that automatically spell doom for your relationship?
I love my boyfriend and I have no doubt that he really does care about me a lot. But I like romance, I’m very romantic with him like I tell him how much I love him every once in a while .. I do little things that show him how much I care about him.
In return he is not romantic with me. He has never told me that I’m beautiful never given me flowers etc. And even though I know that he cares about me because he talks to me every day calls me every night.. makes time for me even though he’s getting his masters and he’s very stressed with school all the time.
I can’t help but wonder if this is just the way he is .. unromantic or if it’s because he’s not in love with me. I’ve told him that I love flowers etc. But nothing. It might seems stupid but the lack of these little things make me feel unloved.
If this particular scenario sounds familiar (brought to us by a woman seeking advice on AskMen.com), it’s because it’s the common gripe. Many of us want grand gestures. Many of us say we want flowers. Many of us want to feel like we’re being swept off of our feet, and that in the attempt to do so, it doesn’t feel like a chore for our partners. I can very much relate, as I would love date night with my husband (which we do every Thursday) to be the time he looks forward to most during the week (I think it’s actually Friday, when he goes for drinks with his boys). But I think there’s a difference between someone not being romantic at all, and someone not showing you the type of love and adoration you think exemplifies real love.
In my friend’s case, based off of first and second impressions, she could see that they weren’t going to be on the same page (and date night on the museum steps was going to be like pulling teeth). But in the case of the woman seeking advice, her boyfriend had said “I love you” and expressed it in other ways, even if they weren’t the grandest.
I think it’s beautiful that people have such high hopes and expectations of what love should look and feel like. It should feel, internally at some point, like something from the movies.
However, romance in most relationships is more about showing love through your commitment to one another and to keeping things fresh. In my own case, it’s my husband surprising me by renting a car for date night, even if we’re just hitting up our favorite Thai place for the umpteenth time. For others, it may be the time their significant other spends dealing with your crazy family every week. It may be through the consideration shown by taking your car to be washed, picking up your dry cleaning, deciding to cook or reminding you how awesome you are when you’re doubting yourself. It’s in watching that movie your partner can’t really stand the thought of because they understand the importance of compromising to make one another happy. But if you want more, there is always communication, making some of the more reasonable desires (because flowers and saying someone looks beautiful are reasonable) known.
Romance is important. Who doesn’t want to feel loved and adored? But sometimes the true love and adoration comes not from the grandest of gestures, flowers and Instagrammable moments, but from the support, encouragement, hugs, kisses and consistent care and devotion. If you aren’t receiving any of that, then there’s reason to wonder if you’re in the right relationship. But if you are getting that and more, then you’re truly loved…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? If your partner or prospective partner isn’t textbook romantic, is it a red flag?
