When You Think Her Husband Is Your Soulmate

August 10, 2017  |  



Black woman looking out rainy window

Getting over an ex you’re still in love with can be difficult. It’s like the smallest things remind you of how good everything used to be. It’s common for ex-lovers to engage in conversation via text messages or spy on each other on social media. You may even send a cute pic of yourself every blue moon just to remind him that you’re still a baddie who’s doing well in life. But when your ex is someone’s husband, you need to back off, no matter how much you believe he completes you.

Usually, it’s the married man who initiates these reunions, triggering the classic “he reached out to ME” excuse as the ex-girlfriend’s go-to line for justifying communication. “They had problems before me!” “He doesn’t love her anymore!” And “He really wanted to marry me!” may follow. None of that has mattered to me as I found four different married men in my inbox this year on some Mariah Carey ish talking about we belong together.

When I asked these men what’s wrong with their marriages and the woman they chose to marry, they provide all kinds of petty complaints. “She doesn’t want to better herself.” Okay, maybe she doesn’t know what her divine purpose is just yet. Pray and get her some Capella University brochures. Help her figure it out. “I’m not attracted to her anymore.” Now you’re just being shallow. If she’s a good wife and mother, you need to sit down and be humble.

Even if things are really toxic and the man truly wants out and thinks he and I have way more chemistry than he and his wife ever will, I still won’t try to rekindle the love we used to have. Their marriage may be crumbling, but that’s not a permission slip for me to chisel away at it any further. Karma is real and I look too good to be salvaging something with a man who wasn’t smart enough to choose me in the first place. In the words of Shirley Murdock, “Desire says I should, but I say hell no.”

My position is if the relationship is so bad and the love for me so real, contact me after the divorce –not before and not during “separation.” Marriage is supposed to be a sacred thing that people take seriously. I’m not naive enough to believe everyone who is currently married did it for the right reasons. Let’s keep it all the way real and admit that some of these marriages are legit jokes–true love was never in the equation. Some men proposed out of “obligation” because they got a woman pregnant, some wanted to avoid being put on child support so they put a ring on it, and some men are gold diggers looking for a woman to take care of them so they baited their wife in with a proposal. In other instances, the guy may be a great catch who simply discovered he and his wife are not compatible. It happens. But if your ex is married — for whatever reason — that alone should be enough motivation for you to let go of the romantic feelings you have for him. If he comes back around as a single man, then maybe you have something to talk about.

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