Is This Petty? He Was Just Engaged And I Don’t Think He’s Over His Ex

Do you have qualms about dating a guy who recently exited a long-term relationship? Well, what about a guy who recently wanted to spend the rest of his life with a particular woman, but it didn’t work out? If he’s back on the market and seems ready to date again, does that really mean he’s ready? And if he asks you out, should you say yes?

I know a girl who is seeing a mutual friend who was just engaged to be married last year. He was with his former fiancée for two years and they were engaged for a little over a year. He really thought and hoped that she was the one. However, not too long after they announced their engagement, his fiancée started having second thoughts. Still, she stayed with him. And while they didn’t start planning a wedding, they stayed together for as long as they could — and then she wanted out.

A year later, he’s back on the dating scene because he’s serious about finding love. So he started seeing a friend of mine that he met while we were all out together. She’s good for him, they hit it off pretty easily, they’ve been on a couple of dates already and talk often. However, the only problem is that he still maintains some contact with his former fiancée and talks lovingly about her. That is freaking my friend out and leaving her contemplating whether or not she should run for the hills.

Granted, it’s a good thing when a man can say positive things about the women from his past. There is definitely nothing cute about calling them everything but their names because things didn’t end the way he would have liked. But she does find it a little worrying that the woman’s name comes up often in conversation and that she still calls him to catch up.

“I just don’t think you can be friends like that with someone you were about to spend the rest of your life with,” my friend told me. “Even if you can, I just think that’s weird. I’m not interested in being someone’s rebound.”

And I get it. You want to give seemingly good guys a shot, but if you know you are looking for something serious and they still seem to be hung up on the past but don’t realize it, it’s a major red flag. (Seriously, I still don’t know why he accepts her phone calls.) But if they treat you well otherwise and the chemistry is there, should you really abort mission?

It depends on what is okay and what is a hell to the no for you. All that my girlfriend has dealt with in just two dates should be enough to warrant a serious conversation about how he’s truly feeling. While most of us have been in long-term relationships, it means a lot to be have been engaged to someone. Sure, there is no set timetable for when a person is ready to move on and date, but there are certain behaviors that make it clear when they’re not.

If you find that a person is comparing you to their ex, still seems to be sad or even worse, angry about the split, talks about them incessantly, or in the case of the guy in this situation, fields their phone calls pretending they’re actually a good friend, you could be wasting your time.

We all have the right to take our sweet time to mourn important relationships and to deal with the feelings that linger from them. However, we don’t have the right to bring other people into those situations when we know we’re not ready to give our full focus and energy to them. So while a person may say that they’ve moved on and are ready to love again, we all owe it to ourselves to keep our eyes open for red flags and and let them heal when it’s clear they aren’t — but heal alone…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Would you date someone who was previously engaged to be married but say they’re ready to date again? 

Image via Shutterstock