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“It’ll just be me and my boo against the world,” my co-worker stated. She said this before proceeding to provide an unsolicited explanation of why she thought she had to choose her new man over her long-time girlfriends. “At some point, you have to make a choice,” she said. “I don’t want to be single like all of them, and so, you have to choose.”
But do you? Should you ever have to choose your man over your friends? And if you do, when is the appropriate time?
“What would you do?” she asked me, disregarding the fact that I was single and didn’t have to make such a decision. I initially thought she sounded like a naïve, crazy person; but then I had to consider what “choosing” actually meant.
To choose means to select one thing over the other. I’m sure there are times when a woman would choose a date night with her man over happy hour with her girls; but what about special occasions? What about when your friends don’t get along with your man and vice versa? Should you have to “choose” where your loyalty lies?
“I think ideally you shouldn’t have to choose,” my married friend said when I asked for her input. I figured I should ask someone who wasn’t in a new situation like my co-worker. “I feel like if all parties are mature, friends will understand when a relationship is growing and moving forward. They’ll know when to step aside. By the same token, your man will know as well.”
She also added that a good man would actually encourage your friendships. I concur. Seriously, what man (in his right mind) doesn’t want you to have friends and wants you to hang out with him, and only him? I’ll wait…
It’s not healthy. Women need friendships, just as men do. Your mate can’t give you what valuable friendships can provide. And your friends can’t replace your partner. There are places and should be spaces for both.
Another one of my single friends admitted that things change once a friend marries. Though she’s never walked down the aisle, she assumes that friendships will change, but shouldn’t end.
“Once I get married, I know that I won’t tell my girls everything about my man because he and I should be as one,” she said. “But I also know that I still want to keep my friendships and spend quality time with my friends.”
As I always say, there is no one-size-fits-all relationship advice. Everyone’s situation is different. Some women can find the time to juggle friends and their partner without things changing. Others? Not so much. There isn’t anything wrong with friendships slightly shifting when a woman gets into a relationship. But there is a problem when she ditches friends she’s been around for years for a man she recently met.
Here was my question to my co-worker: Because you just met this guy, if it doesn’t work out, would that experience be worth losing your friends over? Her response confirmed what I initially thought about her being a naïve, crazy person: “It’s going to work out,” she said.
“Oh,” was all that I could say without sounding rude.
Clearly, she was a hopeless romantic who didn’t value her friendships with the women she’d known for years because she found herself a man she’d known for months. However, the consensus of reasonable women I spoke with all agreed that even if relationships change, they shouldn’t be abandoned. Just as many women don’t want to be single forever, most also don’t want to be friendless. Why should you have to choose?
When, if ever, should you choose your man over your friends? Or is it something that you should never have to do?
