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It’s slim pickings where I live when it comes to finding quality men, so I decided to revisit my Tinder account recently. I should have known better because I tell people all the time that Tinder isn’t a place to look for love. We can’t all be Rihanna finding love in hopeless places, now. Still, I decided against my better judgment to give it a shot once more.
So I’m swiping left in the app and the more I swipe, the more I realize that geographical location is definitely a factor in finding quality men. The area that I just moved to isn’t where they’re at. Still, I continued to swipe until I finally saw someone who caught my eye. I swiped right and we matched. He messaged me the next day and we had a nice dialogue going. I realized that we have a few things in common. After days of exchanging numbers, he immediately asked me on a date for the very next evening. I remember thinking sheesh, this guy wastes no time.
So date night rolls around and we go to a nice restaurant to talk and get to know each other more. After some thought-provoking conversation, I came to the conclusion that maybe I found something worth pursuing in my hopeless city. We start talking about mutual friends we had in common on Facebook and our childhood. We talked about our careers and there was a lot of laughs. In the car on the way back I jokingly asked him if he was going to ask our mutual friends for the 411 scoop on me and he said no because everyone isn’t aware of his situation. Naturally, my smile transformed into a confused expression as I asked “What situation?”
He revealed to me that he was currently separated from his wife of almost 10 years. Before I could do the calculations in my head, he explained that he had married too young, in his early twenties, and not only did he have a wife he was separated from, but two sons. Neither of them were even 10 yet. He followed that bomb with “I hope you’re okay with all of this?” My mind immediately said “Abort, girl! Abort!” My mouth, on the other hand said, “I understand, that’s a tough situation to be in.” I’m not quite sure why I blurted that out, but afterward, the phone calls continued, the text messages kept coming in and so did the date suggestions. I tried to be a team player, but then reality set in.
Although I didn’t get dragged into the drama, I often had to hear about and see how all of it affected him. His venting and rambling about something she did or said. His bad mood after picking up his children from her place. To sum it all up, he always had a problem and his overall attitude was a vibe-killer for someone like me who was just looking to get to know him better and have a good time. Now, before you ask why I got involved with him in the first place, here’s the thing: Sometime we do illogical things even when we already know the more logical solution. It’s called being human. I liked him, he claimed he was trying to move forward from his “situation,” so I gave him a chance. Bad idea.
Needless to say that ended in less than three weeks, but I didn’t walk away empty-handed in terms of a lesson. With that being said, if a man is separated, he’s still married.
Sometimes in a marriage, couples find themselves with their backs against the wall. Sometimes they find themselves running into the same conflicts over and over again and are at a standstill on what to do. The purpose of a separation is to allow space for both parties to step back and evaluate the problems without the influence of one other. I realized this guy hadn’t yet resolved his issues and had no business pursuing dating. Granted, breaking up can be a messy and complicated state of affairs altogether, but when the grounds are still rocky, it’s not wise to drag someone else into that. So, from experience, albeit a short amount, don’t do it. Until the ink drives on those divorce papers, save yourself the baggage, the drama, the hurt feelings and the time wasted.
