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My father probably remembers the first day we met better than I do. I was probably wet and wrinkly, and he was probably nervous and excited about being a dad for the second time. The earliest memories I have of him are sitting down to create a book out of construction paper and crayons that would later be titled “The Strawberry Castle,” a tale of sugarcane windowpanes and chocolate bar doors. I remember walking around in his size 10 Pumas. I recall the rides we would take on autumn nights to pick up my mom from work when I was still small enough to crawl into the backseat of his brand new Cougar. I even remember laying across the bed with no shirt on as a toddler to watch Star Trek, because I wanted to be just like my dad.
Unfortunately some women don’t get to meet their fathers until they are nearly mothers themselves. A close friend of mine recently met her father for the first time at of all places a funeral. She had always had some contact with his family, so when she learned her uncle had passed she decided she would pay her respects since she had only good memories of him, even though they were few. Soon the word spread that her father would be making an appearance which was kind of a big deal since literally “papa was a rolling stone” who had no kind of real roots anywhere. She was nervous, apprehensive and had even thought of backing out. Nonetheless as that Saturday came to a close, her first encounter with her father proved to be bittersweet. She later expressed over the phone to me, “he hugged me, but said ‘I got something really important to take care of.’” After a few quick embraces and catch-up conversations with a few members of the family, he disappeared out the door. He had something important to take care of alright, only she was left wondering why her father bailed out on making any kind of connection with her.
Out of 12.2 million single parent families in 2012, more than 80% were headed by single mothers, many of them raising children who eventually have little to no contact with their father. What should a young woman consider when making the difficult decision to meet a father who has been absent for most of her life? I think the first question is what she feels she has to gain from meeting her biological father. Maybe you want to ask him questions your mother can’t give you the answers to, maybe you need emotional closure, or maybe his DNA is the difference between life and death for you or your child. Because the truth is some things are better left unsaid and you have to consider that you may not get the answers you were seeking. Will meeting your biological father make your life any better? My friend was left with so many conflicting feelings after meeting her dad, but the truth is the woman she had grown to be without him in her life was pretty impressive. She’s a phenomenal mother, driven in her education and career, responsible and independent. I can’t pretend to relate to the void she may have carried with her throughout her life, but I couldn’t help but wonder the difference her dad would’ve made because in my opinion without him she was pretty damn great.
I think it’s also important to not make assumptions. There are two sides to every story and it’s easy for women (even our mothers) to let their own bitterness and resentment cloud their memory and judgment. It’s very well possible that your father made attempts to maintain a relationship with you, but was refuted. If you do plan to meet your father, don’t come armed ready to ramble off every disadvantage you’ve been dealt in life a result of growing up with a single mother. Make an effort to listen to his reasoning, even if to you they sound like shallow excuses.
Are you looking at this reunion as the beginning of a new relationship or the closure to emptiness and confusion? The first meeting will probably bring to the surface many contradicting emotions that can be difficult to deal with at any age. If the meeting doesn’t go as smoothly as you had envisioned, it doesn’t need to set the tone for the whole relationship. Sharing DNA doesn’t automatically equal feelings of comfort and security. It’s important to be patient; essentially you’re meeting a stranger and it may take weeks, months even years to establish feelings of closeness. You have to determine the amount of energy and effort you want to put into building this relationship. If you feel like this situation is causing you more pain than anything, it may be better for you to love your dad from a distance.
Another thing meeting your father for the first time can bring is the urge to place blame on the life he has built beyond you. It’s natural to want to blame the new girlfriend, wife or children for his absence from your life. Unfortunately, this family may not have knowledge of you or the life he left behind and that isn’t really their fault. This experience may be as new to them as it is to you. As painful as it is to accept that your father played his part for siblings you never knew existed, it may be just as painful for them to learn their father had another life they knew nothing about. For some reason (and I’ve seen it happen time and time again) people sometimes do better when they have a second chance at family. I think it has a lot to do with life experience, growth and maturity. I’ve seen some deadbeat dads that make incredible grandfathers. For some men being a grandfather is like being given a second chance, and men who don’t have seamless relationships with their own children end up being some pretty great “Pop Pops”. I don’t think children should be denied a relationship with their grandparents even if those parents aren’t on the best of terms with their own parents..
My best advice from what I witnessed: Meet your father when you are at a good place in your life, when developing a relationship with him will only enhance your life. Don’t go into it looking to punish him or fix or fill something within yourself. Meeting a father who wasn’t around to watch you grow up won’t eliminate all of your insecurities, it won’t make up for missed birthday parties or father-daughter dances. What it can be is a new beginning for a different kind of relationship or it can be a brutal reminder of rejection. Someone has to be brave enough to be the bigger person and extend the opportunity to be better. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to never know my father, but what I do know is that everyone who procreates shouldn’t necessarily be parents, and some people never rise to the occasion. All girls deserve some kind of father-figure, whether it be an uncle, a godfather or trusted family friend. We can’t allow ourselves to get so caught up in wanting the same guy who is responsible that bump on your nose you inherited being the same guy who gives you a lifetime of love and support. I hate to say it, but some fathers actually did their children a favor by staying OUT of their lives. The best thing you can do is be confident in the love and support of the family that you have. Everyone wants some sense of tradition and identity, but being a good father requires more than contributing a chromosome.
Toya Sharee is a program associate for a Philadelphia non-profit that focuses on parenting education and building healthy relationships between parents, children and co-parents. She also has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog BulletsandBlessings.
