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First, let me say that I loathe the term “work spouse.” To me, it’s highly inappropriate within itself and leaves the door open for pure shenanigans because playing with fire will surely get you burned. For those who are unfamiliar, a work spouse is “a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage.” Really, it’s the term itself that bugs me. There’s nothing wrong with being cool with a co-worker of the opposite site, and in many cases, these relationships are platonic. But unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for things to go left because work wives and husbands haven’t established clear boundaries. Perhaps this isn’t really a problem when both parties are single and unattached. But often times, at least one party is already in a committed relationship.
Recently, I came across a Reddit post from a concerned wife who feels that her husband, James, may be having an emotional affair with his boss, Dani. James and Dani work closely together and have established a good rapport over the last two years. But lately, things have become very inappropriate between them.
My husband, James, and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. He’s been at this corporate job for about 2 years, under the same boss, Dani.
They have always been close, my husband is a top seller and takes extensive care of the clients, so he’s Dani’s favorite. This has not bothered me until recently. I’m happy James is being recognized for his great work, and I’m glad he has friends at work to reduce the stress.
Lately, though, it’s been different. He’s staying for extended periods of time after his shift to “work on stuff” and going in on weekends (NOT typical for his job). He’s expected to receive a promotion putting him on the same level as Dani, but still working directly with her in the next few weeks, so he has been staying under the guise of working on his advancement. But after all this time he still hasn’t even written a cover letter, or applied officially to the positions, something he can only do at work.
In addition, lately, he’s been texting almost constantly. A month ago he wouldn’t know where his phone was at home, now it’s glued to his hands. His phone is going off all hours of the night, and he’s actually waking up and checking it (something he has NEVER done before).
Last Friday was really the icing on the cake, though. We went out with James’s work group, Dani included. She gets off an hour later so we all hung out for a while, I felt included in the group, we were having a good time. When Dani got there, it completely stopped. I was no longer involved in the conversation, James said almost nothing to me, and his attention turned to her. They were playfully hitting and mocking each other, she kept grabbing stuff off his plate, it was horrible. His coworkers just kept looking at me uncomfortably, and I don’t think I hid very well that I was baffled.
I know James would not physically cheat on me, but my concerns are an emotional affair.
Hundreds of commenters weighed in on the situation and shared whether or not they believe that James is being unfaithful—both physically and emotionally—and opinions are somewhat mixed. While no one really knows for sure what James and Dani are up to, I believe that we can all agree that their relationship has become inappropriate. It’s making his wife as well as his co-workers uncomfortable and something has got to give.
Whether James is cheating or not, to me, this is the epitome of a co-worker relationship that is already out of control. Of course, we should all trust our partners and be secure enough within ourselves enough to be okay with them having reasonable (keyword: reasonable) relationships with the members of the opposite sex. But we also have to be secure enough to know where lines should be drawn and confident enough to speak up when things are going too far. This definitely isn’t to say that should you find yourself in this situation, you need to start throwing around allegations or behaving erratically. But it’s definitely time to have a discussion. To me, a calm, adult conversation about why this relationship is making you uncomfortable will do.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your partner crossed the line with a co-worker? How did you address it?
