The Idea That Women Are More Ready For Marriage Than Men Is A Myth

FYI

Some years ago my best guy friend adamantly told me that the concept of women being ready for marriage before men is a fallacy. In one of my Trina moods (which is code for stating n-ggas ain’t sh-t), I argued that men take longer to settle down because they want to be out in these streets and sticking their penis in some of everything for as long as possible. My friend on the other hand, who in retrospect was clearly more mature than I, laid out a detailed explanation of the lack of emotional maturity women often display in relationships which tends to carry over into marriage.

Enter my foray into Married at First Sight last night when every single thing my boy told me three or more years ago rang hauntingly true episode by episode. As the name of the show suggests, couples on the FYI series get married upon their first meeting after being matched by sexologists, spiritual counselors, life coaches, psychologists and the like. At just the premise of the show I wondered, what kind of man would get married at first sight?! We can’t even get men to agree to participate in speed dating events! as I held on to everything I’ve ever been told about the unending dating options men have and their preference for the bachelor lifestyle. But the initial episode of the reality show was partially everything I expected: women in their late 20s and early 30s who were dated out and tired of looking for and hoping for the one pleading with experts to be matched. Conversely, the men didn’t have sob stories about past relationships gone awry or being the rejected ugly duckling, they were ready to be someone’s husband and this show simply provided an opportunity to achieve that.

By episode 2, “The Weddings,” one thing was certain: not all of the women were ready to be wives. In fact, I’d argue that none of them were. I’ll start with Sam, the quintessential example of a person who tries to compensate for awkward situations with ill-timed, exaggerated humor. From the wedding ceremony where the pair met and on, Sam would make goofy faces, contort her body in awkward positions, and worst of all call her new husband a “b-tch” or “p-ssy” simply because he didn’t fit her personal definition of a man. And yet, when it came time to figure out finances, Sam was adamant that they come to a 60/40 compromise and her “passive” newlywed husband take on the lion’s share of expenses, while she insisted she drive everywhere they go.

Next, newlywed Ashley all but cried in her husband David’s face every single time he asked her a question or attempted any amount of physical contact beyond a high five. While some of her apprehension can be chalked up to the fact that she’s not — or at least wasn’t initially — physically attracted to her husband, Ashley repeatedly made comments about how her husband is a “stranger” and they just met and she couldn’t be around him 24/7 as if she didn’t realize that’s par for the course when you marry someone in an expertly arranged marriage.

And then comes Vanessa, the most well adjusted bride on the show who still had a full blown breakdown on the honeymoon episode because she found out her husband lived the typical bachelor life before their nuptials instead of thinking about the fact that any man willing to marry someone sight unseen must obviously be ready to take the next step.

What struck me more than the emotional trauma all of these women were experiencing was the understanding attention which they were met with by their new husbands. Sam’s spouse Neil ended up apologizing to her for not speaking up about her emasculating ways earlier on, David did everything short of walk on water to make Ashley open up to him and feel comfortable in his presence, and Vanessa’s husband Tres made it clear he had been ready to settle down but simply couldn’t find the one and so bachelor life had to go on. The point is, the men, who carry the stereotype of being afraid of commitment, were the most committed to making these new unions work while the women who’d been dreaming of marriage their whole lives were freaking out from the time they stepped into their wedding dresses.

Sure, these marriage scenarios are outside the realm of normal, but the fact that remains is while these women were having temper tantrums and doubts, the men were secure in their desire to be someone’s husband — even a crazy someone — and divorce simply was not an option, which is why they went so hard to comfort their new brides as possible,

The idea that women are more interested in being brides than wives is nothing new, but what’s often not talked about is the emotional handicap many women come into relationships with. In the quest to get down the aisle, many women don’t think about whether they’re really ready to share their physical space, merge their finances, and compromise with the needs of their partner in order to make their marriage work. “Happy wife, happy life” is a famous moniker but not one that is necessarily a recipe for a successful marriage. All of these women on  Married at First Sight were consumed by their fears, insecurities, and desires, but couldn’t express these concerns in an honest, upfront manner with their spouse, let alone acknowledge the irrationality of some of their wants and how their behavior negatively affected their new partners. Even when working with mediators, the men unequivocollay stated they were committed to working things out, while the women were “indifferent.”

The point is, Married at First Sight, in all it’s absurdity, has completely changed my perspective on men. All of our lives women are expected to be ready for “the one” but it turns out when we find him, we may not necessarily be emotionally ready for him. Conversely, while we criticize men for taking a little more time to get to the point of readiness we think we’re at, turns out once men say they’re ready they tend to mean what they say and be more committed to working through those growing pains than we are. Yeah it may take men until they’re well into their 30s to get there, but it’s far better to wait and be sure than to rush and be filled with doubt — and worst than act out as a result. Perhaps if more women focused on what it took to be a wife versus a bride there wouldn’t be so much fear when a man who wants you to be his wife behaves a such.