How Soon Should You Go Over A Man’s House For The First Time?

December 2, 2015  |  

I know, everybody has to do what’s right for them, and having solid rules when it comes to dating is so passé, but let’s pretend we all care about and want what’s best for one another and talk about that first invitation to “come by the crib.”

I don’t want to discuss this in the context of Netflix & Chill because we all know that’s code for “bring some condoms” and women can choose to give it up to whomever whenever they please. I’m thinking more about the safety of the matter and the risk — or not — of entering into the home of someone you’re just beginning to get to know.

We had a discussion about this in the office the other day as one co-worker mentioned a friend of a friend was having a second date at the home of a man she met on Tinder. We were concerned for a couple of reasons: one, she’s a virgin and putting herself in the private company of a man unaware of that status could lead to unwanted affections and awkward interactions. And two, see the part where we said this was a second date and she met the man on Tinder –the position she was putting herself in was “Without a Trace” level dangerous.

I’d put the situation out of my mind until I began editing the story we posted yesterday on the allegation of sexual assault against Malcolm London. The young woman who said she woke up to find the activist’s fingers in her vagina had met him a few days prior to their movie outing and had invited him into her apartment solely on the premise of him wanting coffee when it appears he came for more. And then this morning a story of a Ferguson, MO, woman being found in a pool of blood flashed across my social media feed. The 25-year-old mother is believed to have been killed over the weekend by a man she met on Facebook and invited to her apartment for the first time Saturday, proving sometimes you can invite the danger into your own home too soon as well.

It’d be easy to dismiss the last story as an outlier because the alleged killer is believed to suffer from mental illness and has a history of violence, but that’s just the point. In the beginning stages of meeting someone you don’t know much about their past, their mental health status, or any emotional triggers they have. We tend to delve right into questions about relationship status, with inquiries into the other person’s childhood or social history being deemed inappropriate when pressed too soon. And yet, we put ourselves in precarious positions being alone in the home of a potential romantic partner whom we know little about other than what they do for a living, when their last relationship was, oh, and where they live.

I’m just getting back into the swing of dating myself so I don’t have the answer, though I’m thinking I might want to be in consistent communication with the person for a couple of months and have at least five or six public outings under our belt before accepting any “let me cook for you” types of invitations. And while I initially thought an invitation to my place might be safer since it’s familiar territory, i.e. I know where the knives are, that could make for a hairy situation should the man turn into a stalker.

In this fast-paced world of simply swiping left or right to find a partner it’s not easy to slow things down when attempting to get to know someone you like, but I value my life and livelihood much more than I abhor my single status so these men will just have to get with the program or go back to swiping.

How soon do you go over a man’s house for the first time?

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