Ever dated a guy who you loved very much, who just so happened to have a friend you liked very little?
Maybe that friend did or said something offensive, or maybe you just get a nasty vibe from that individual. Whatever the reason, you’ve decided that you don’t want to be bothered with them. But do you dislike them so much that you would want to keep them away from your wedding?
I met a young woman named Kemy* during one of my recent work trips who is also engaged to be married. And while swapping stories about proposals and ideas about place settings, she filled me in on a messy situation she’s struggling to figure out.
Before she entered into the picture, Kemy’s fiancé became pretty good friends with a young woman named Taylor. They went to college together and managed to maintain their friendship after school ended. They never dated, but there’s a chemistry between them that makes some wonder why they didn’t. When Kemy entered the picture, she was introduced to Taylor and, unfortunately, the two women didn’t exactly hit it off. Kemy said that she felt like Taylor was discourteous. Instead of getting to really know her, Taylor asked her questions about whether or not she could cook and lobbed invasive questions about her work and education at Kemy. At one point, Taylor acted as though she didn’t know who Kemy was when the two crossed paths in public while she was with her man (“Oh yeah! I remember you now. How are things?”).
But the last straw for Kemy was during a recent dinner outing she and her fiancé had with friends after getting engaged. She felt that Taylor was a little too comfortable, and even flirtatious at times, with her fiancé. Kemy never said anything to Taylor about her shenanigans, but an argument did ensue between Kemy and her partner over the incident. And while Kemy and her man moved on from that drama, from that day forward, she decided that she didn’t want to be around Taylor anymore.
So, it shouldn’t have been a shock when she mentioned to her fiancé as they started working on a guest list, that she didn’t want Taylor at their wedding next year. But Kemy’s partner was shocked by the request. So was I.
“Are your issues with her really that deep, though? To the point that you would keep one of his friends from showing up to your wedding?” I asked.
“I think so,” Kemy responded. “She’s just been very disrespectful when it comes to my relationship. And I don’t need that energy at my wedding. That negative energy? I will not do it! So no, she’s not invited.”
And while I didn’t necessarily understand the need to show her fiancé’s friend the exit when it comes to wedding invitations, my co-workers were all here for it.
“I don’t know why he would want to be friends with someone who is disrespectful to his fiancée anyway,” one said. “She doesn’t need to be there.”
Still, it’s not quite that simple. Kemy isn’t engaged to marry a man ready to drop his friend like a bad habit for having a cold demeanor with the woman he loves. He’s been friends with Taylor for quite some time and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. That’s a valid concern. But negative energy is also a valid concern and a real problem that no woman wants to deal with on the most important day of their life. So it’s not really an outrageous request when you think about it. You want people at your wedding to be your supporters. Those who wish to see your marriage get off to the right start. Not people whom you feel don’t really care for you, but just tolerate you to make someone else happy.
It may help for all parties involved to sit down together and talk things out. That way, both women can share whatever grievances they have. And while they wouldn’t need to be friends, they could at least communicate better and be civil.
It may also help for Kemy’s fiancé to do a better job of talking to Taylor. Fill her in when she does things that can be misread (like coming at Kemy with an odd line of questioning or being flirtatious).
But then again, it really might be best for Taylor to sit this wedding out. If she doesn’t like Kemy, a sit-down conversation won’t really change anything, and as adults, there’s no reason to be phony. Not everyone has to like everyone, and not every friend, associate or colleague needs to be at your wedding…
But as always, that just my opinion. What do you think? Is it petty for Kemy to not want Taylor invited to their wedding? Or has Taylor crossed the line too many times?
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