Love Lesson: Is it time to call it quits?
You have big dreams and goals for yourself and your family. Good for you!
If you’re in a relationship that takes from you rather than lifts you up, then it’s that much more challenging to get to where you want to be. Am I right? One of the most common advice questions I receive from women is, “Should I stay or should I go? Is it time to break up”
We all love love, but sometimes that is just not enough. Your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being are also key relationship factors. Remember, if you are a parent, your relationships are teaching your sons and daughters how to love and be in love with their partners and themselves.
I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: if you are in a long-term relationship that is no good for you, it is because you are in a bad relationship with yourself. Anything that go wrong, but there’s no reason to stay if everything in your soul tells you that something just isn’t right. Know your worth and trust your inner wisdom.
It is also key to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Are your respectful and loving. Do your words woo or wound? It’s very easy to always blame the other person but it takes two to tango. Do your due diligence. Check yourself. Are you properly communicating – and in his or her love language? Clean up your side of the street and rather than going for 50/50 love, aim for 100/100.
When It’s Time to Break Up with Bad:
1. He’s Abusive.
Abusive is never okay. And it comes in many forms. It’s clear if you are being treated in a way other than you beautiful and empowered goddess self, it’s time to move on. This includes physical abuse of course, but also mental and emotional abuse.
2. He’s in a relationship with someone else.
You are worthy of having a partner all to yourself. Don’t listen to lies from him or yourself about the situation. Yes, there really are enough great men and women to go around. Have faith in your own powerful future and break it off. If you were looking for a sign, this is it.
3. He’s cold.
He is distant. He won’t let you in. You feel like you’re in a relationship by yourself. He feels that your conversations are redundant but he never makes changes. How you fight is more important than not fighting. You want a partner who is actively engaged in your life and in your future. If you have to prod him along like a farm animal to love you, you deserve more.
4. You’ve both been unhappy for a really long time.
Your life at this point feels like a relationship of convenience. You really are two ships that pass in the daytime and at night. Maybe you’re staying together for the kids or for financial reasons. Whatever it is, you both deserve better. Create an action plan to move forward, separately or get counseling to fix the issue.
5. You want to get help but he refuses.
Speaking of counseling, there is no shame at all in hiring a coach, therapist, or spiritual counselor to work with you to improve your relationship. Maybe you’ve suggested this but your partner is not into it. You both should be ready to do everything it takes for your love. If you think that things are unhealthy and dysfunctional and your partner refuses help, you may need to look toward the front door.
6. He’s Non-Committal.
Why do we have to use the word relationship, he says. Why do we have to say boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife? A coaching client was complaining to me about this yesterday. If you both are footless and label-free and that works for you, go for it. However, if it’s important to your partner, then it is still very natural and organic to get married as an adult and say, yes, here is my wife. There is something powerful about making a commitment and stepping into it. Break up with him if he’s noncommital and commitment matters to you.
7. He’s a narcissist.
It’s all about him. He is selfish and stuck in his ways. He can’t ever empathize or see things from anyone’s point of view but his own. There are many narcissists out here mixing and mingling as real people. This is an unhealthy one-sided relationship. Unless you are a doormat, it can’t work. Get out, get clear, and get a brand new start!
8. He comes between you and your kids.
No one should ever come between you and your children. If you are blessed to be a parent, know that you have a covenant to honor and raise your little people to the best of your ability. That means only partnering with people who also hold them in high esteem.
9. He doesn’t believe in you.
If he or she does not believe in you, move on. Break up with belittling. When you know your worth, you won’t have any interest in those who disagree. Your ideal partner loves, honors, and cherishes you. Believe in yourself enough to partner with only those who believe in you.
10. Crippling criticism is part of your relationship.
There is a difference between constructive criticism and abuse. Unfortunately, many people don’t know the difference. Criticism really has no place in your relationship. Dr. Harville Hendricks developed Imago Therapy which teaches people how to have critique-free love. Constant criticism of your body, career, or ideas can completely turn you off of someone. If this is the case, they are showing you who they are.
11. He is a athological liar.
If someone lies time and time again, there is no trust. IF there is no trust, there is no foundation. If there is no foundation, there is no relationship. Period.
12. Serial cheating is his way of life.
They said it would never happen again. Then it did. Again and again. There is always some story. Maybe they even blame you. Then you take them back. Stop it.
13. You want an alpha man and he’s not that.
Alpha men are held up as the ideal, the gold standard. Strong, go for it, decisive, protective and ambitious types. What’s not to love? However, every man is not an alpha. That’s okay. Manhood has many definitions. Instead of trying to change him or get him to “man up” as you define it, move on and find what you’re looking for. If the person you’re with is insecure and passive aggressive there is no way you can love them out of that. Also, if you’re a more yang energy woman, you may want to be more open to a yin energy partner to balance you both out..
14. He is bitter and wounded.
Maybe he was betrayed by his ex. Perhaps he has Mommy issues. It happens. Folks are bitter and wounded — but then we need to do the work and get help to evolve. You can’t love him out of this kind of despair. Otherwise you know what happens? You clean him up, dust him off, and he resents you. Then he takes his newly healed self on to someone else.
Sometimes, there is nothing left to say but goodbye. After you break up, heal, and learn the lessons of this relationship so that you don’t repeat them in the next one. You may want to do a single year before you move forward.
Catch up on Abiola’s Love Class
- Are You Being Abused Right Now?
- Help! My Boyfriend is a Criminal
- Are You The Sidechick? Advice!
- Blood, Sweat & Heels: Demetria Lucas
- Sheena LaShay: Rising After Sexual Abuse
- Baby Mama’s Etiquette Guide
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams is the author of “The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love,” nominated for an African American Literary Award in self-help. She gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to Ebony and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Abiola is also the creator of the African Goddess Affirmation Cards. Tweet @abiolaTV.