Are You Fighting for Love? Or Forcing It?

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“A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.” -Billie Holiday

Love Lesson: A New Way to Look at Breakups

There are two common advice questions that I get from women. One is some form of, ‘my man no longer wants me but how can I keep him?’ The other is, ‘I can’t let go. What should I do now?’ These are really two forms of the same question. In both situations, the advice seeker is unable to deal with her present circumstances without the man and the relationship with him.

In my lifetime I have had four boyfriends, one husband, two dogs (by proxy) and a one fab kitty cat. We all know that everyone comes into our lives for a reason and a season. There is a reason why the person is in your life at this particular time. There is also a season for the relationship and your role in it.

Are you in a relationship where you feel like you’re fighting for love?

Love Stories

Think of each relationship like a movie. Some characters come in for one scene. Other characters may start off strong and then fizzle out, only to re-emerge victorious later in the story. Our most enduring characters ride out for the entire film. When they come on screen and we’re enchanted by their magic, we may have no idea whether they will turn out to be a day player or a leading man in our own epic drama. Perhaps they will be a hero — or a villain.

We do know that the movie will end just as we know we will die from the moment we’re born. Likewise, every relationship will come to an end. No relationship is permanent in physical form. Some relationships are flings. Others fizzle before they get off the ground. Many more than we think go the distance and end when a partner leaves the earth. Letting go is challenging because we usually don’t enter a relationship thinking that it will end.

My Story

Almost ten years ago, I married someone I had been with for nine years and found my husband cheating three months in. I considered my relationship to be over. We had taken so long to get married in part because I was young, ambitious and initially didn’t care that much about being married. That’s the clean and sane version of the story.

The truth is that I tried to make it work for almost two years more while he said he was having a quarter life crisis and needed to travel alone to sort himself out. I held on to that relationship and my love for my ex like a dying man holds on to his last breath. Like the women who write to me today I was desperate — and crazed. I only finally waved the white flag of surrender when I found another woman’s menstrual products in my personal bathroom.

So why did I continue to hold on for so long to a defunct and deficient relationship with someone who clearly was not capable of loving me the way that I deserved? There are clear and noble answers. I was holding on because I took vows that meant something very sacred to me. I was holding on because I promised before God and my family that I would. I was holding on because I believe in marriage and partnership. I was holding on because I was in love.

There are also darker, more sinister reasons why I let the relationship drag on long past its expiration date. I was holding on because my identity was enmeshed in being one half of a perfect couple. I imagined that he was the prince who saved me, not a toad.

I was holding on because I was embarrassed to fail at marriage.

I was holding on because I thought that everyone would think that I was an inadequate wife and woman if my husband was a cheater. I was holding on because I was terrified about the prospect of life without someone I had been in love with practically my entire adult life.

Now I am almost ten years older than that college girl who first fell in love with that boy of her dreams. I am able to see with the clarity that only hindsight could bring. We broke up, for sure, because the relationship was “broken,” but that’s not the whole story. The relationship didn’t end because he cheated or because I was a bad wife. My ex was a decent human being.

The relationship ended because it was complete. We had served the purpose that we came into each other’s lives to serve. Had we stayed together, neither one of us would have evolved to be the people we’ve become. The relationship was exactly what it needed to be — the perfect length, with the perfect lessons for each of us. What a blessing!

Is Your Love Past Its Expiration Date?

Keys to Forward Movement:

1. Instead of asking what went wrong, ask what went right.

This is completely counter-intuitive. When it’s over, it’s practically our duty to make our ex wrong while simultaneously castigating ourselves. You examine what went wrong from every possible angle with your friends or in your journal . Now let’s try asking, what went right?

Make a gratitude list for your defunct relationship. Yes, you read that correctly.

Make a list of 50 things that you are grateful for regarding your ex. It couldn’t have been a complete hell, could it? And if it was, the better reason to be grateful that it is over.

2. Examine the facts of the relationship on your own terms.

I was at dinner with friends earlier this summer and someone asked how long I had been married. One of my girls piped in to say, “a hot minute.” I then explained that we were together for ten years. Obviously, my bestie was not negating that long ago relationship because she’s an evil person. However, people project their own fears and story lines onto yours.

Find a coach or therapist who can help you work through the aftermath of a relationship. Then you’ll get healthy feedback to create better relationships in the future rather than wallowing in the residue with your well-meaning but misguided friends.

3. Be open to your season for love.

We’re always in season for love but love takes many forms. There’s familial love, the love between a mother and her child, divine love and of course self-love. We’re talking here about romantic love.

Is this your season to be in a loving, committed relationship? Have you evolved past the last relationship? Are you the partner you want to attract? Do you exude the love you seek?

As the granddaughter of farmers I am very into paying attention to our seasons. Just like there are seasons for planting and harvesting squash and grapes, seasons for puberty and motherhood, there are also seasons for love, completion, letting go.

It’s easy to remain stuck when we keep making the same choices over and over again.Life isn’t stuck. You are. You can’t move forward if you’re in the groove of something old. Get out, meet new people, practice good self care and pay attention to the new love that may come your way.

At the same time, don’t force something that is dead. Planting life-giving seeds in dead worn out soil will yield nothing. Take time out to learn who you are and have the intuition to know when it’s maybe a season of solitude and wisdom-gathering for you instead.

4. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship.

It takes two to tango. Yes, it may only take one to un-tango but you must take responsibility for your role in the relationship. You chose that person. You chose to believe in him. You chose to spread your dreams under his feet.

Own it. This is the difference between being a love victor and a love victim.

In Mexico City, there was a plan for temporary marriage licenses. Instead of committing “until death do us part” people would be committed for two years and then renew. This sounds practical to the pragmatic in me, but extremely pessimistic to my inner romantic.

The blessing is that we get more than one soul mate in this dance of love. There is a big difference between fighting for your relationship and beating a poor horsie after its dead. Holding on to a dying relationship can be like gripping sand. It will all run through your fingers anyway. One way to know whether it’s worth fighting for is commitment from both partners to do the hard work and heavy lifting it takes to be aligned with a another human being.

The Real Deal.

Before you ask, “how can I save this relationship?” ask yourself “ is this relationship worth saving?” When we try to hold on after its over, we are approaching love from a puny point of view. Like I was, you may be terrified of what’s on the other side.

Letting go and moving forward is some hard ish. I am not saying that any of this is easy. However, it is all completely worth it for you to become the woman you were born to be. This is part of the cycle of life.

Grieve and then answer this question: what did my ex come into my life to me? Celebrate the new beginning. I see you gorgeous, glorious and filled with the light and energy of love!

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Catch up on Love Class

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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at Abiola’s Love University. Her upcoming advice guide is named “The Official Bombshell Handbook Secret.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.

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