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Love Lesson: Climactic Frequently Asked Questions

Let’s talk about the female orgasm, shall we? What a clinical term for something that is so divine!

These questions were taken directly from the emails that you bombshells send me every day. Yes, you have so many questions about “the big O” that I had to break it into two posts.  Isn’t that awesome? I am glad that we’re asking these questions. You deserve the full passion of life and the full pleasure that your body allows. Let’s jump right in to your most asked questions about orgasms.

1. “Does the G-spot exist?”

The G-spot does exist. This is the place hidden in your body that is said to trigger the most intense orgasms ever. The bean-shaped, spongy tissue is located about a quarter inch to three inches the opening of your vagina and your urethra. It is analogous to the male prostate.

A few years ago doctors at the University of L’Aquila in Italy claimed that they had found definitive proof of the G-spot. They concluded that the G-spot exists but not all women have one. Then a Yale urological surgeon said that there is no proof that the G-spot exists. Now, Adam Ostrzenski, director of the Institute of Gynecology in St Petersburg seems to have the definitive yes with new scientific proof to back it up.

Found it? Yay! Still can’t find it? Don’t sweat it. Stop focusing on something that may or may not work for you and revel in all of the things that do.

2. “I’m not able to reach simultaneous orgasm with my partner. What’s wrong with me?”

It’s okay; most women have the same experience. You possess the only body part for pleasure created solely for pleasure (the clitoris) so nothing is wrong with you.

There are many ways to have those thousands of nerve endings electrified. Ask your partner to try moving in circles instead of strokes, grinding instead of thrusting. Entering from the rear will allow manual stimulation. If you’re on top you can touch yourself or position yourself on his body in the way you like. Some women find climactic success with the reverse cowgirl or good old missionary position. Try coital alignment technique, a variation of the missionary position that maximizes clitoral stimulation. Many women find this position to be more orgasmic.

3. “What if I can’t have an orgasm at all?”

First of all, relax. You’re not alone. According to Psychology Today, as many as 10 percent of women are anorgasmic, meaning that they have never had an orgasm. This does not mean that you’re unable to have a pleasurable sex life. A healthy sex life is not just about the Big O.

 See your doctor or heath professional. You may have a medical issue. There are also over-the-counter creams designed to increase blood flow to your vulva, clitoris, vagina and everything in between.

4. “Do I have Female Sexual Dysfunction?”

A woman who contacted me for coaching thought that she was suffering from female sexual dysfunction because she couldn’t “have an orgasm like the women in the movies.” FSD was created in large part by pharmaceutical companies who are trying to market “pink Viagra.” The American Medical Association is calling the condition Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. This term includes everything from lack of sexual desire to vaginal dryness.

I’m not a big fan of medicating away issues that may be teaching us something about ourselves. Of course there are people with mental and physical arousal blocks. However, many women who refer to FSD are talking about the fact that they can have a clitoral but not vaginal orgasm. Seventy percent of women can only have clitoral orgasms and the claim is that 40 percent of women experience some sort of sexual dysfunction. Doesn’t that mean that what they’re calling dysfunctional is normal?

Waning libido is not a curse that you are doomed to live with for the rest of your life. There are many different reasons you may feel this way. You could be unhappy with your partner or stressed. You can’t feel miserable or disrespected then switch to hot and turned on. Your lowered sex drive can also be the result of unexpressed feelings like anger, bitterness or shame. Some women may have abuse issues from childhood that they need to deal with. Having a poor self-image is also not going to get you feeling juicy and ready to go.

We also have varying levels of desire based on where we are in our monthly or life cycles. In addition to hormonal fluctuations, medical conditions that affect desire include anemia, diabetes, and hypertension or post childbirth exhaustion. Depending on the source of your issue, pill-free ways to remedy the issue could be talk therapy, exercise or working on the relationship with your partner. Internal dryness can often be remedied by increasing your water intake.

Before you try to medicate away what doesn’t ail you, examine the issue and your life. If you are experiencing less sexual desire and you are going through a period of stress, this is natural. Human behavior fluctuates. Reconnect to your body with walking, dancing, working out and self-pleasure.

Most importantly, try a shift in perception. Be willing to release the idea of what should be happening in your bedroom. Let the idea of magically simultaneous orgasms go. Free yourself to experience whatever pleasure your body brings you.

Think of your orgasm as a gift you bring yourself rather than something that a partner makes happen. If you want to awaken sleeping parts of your yoni, buy a new toy or explore a tantric education before taking a drug. If the blocks to you feeling intimate are psychological or emotional, seek counseling.

5. “Why am I so dry down there?”

Maybe you’re not turned on properly so you need more foreplay. Your arousal can be altered by certain types of medication, life stresses, hidden diuretics like caffeine and alcohol, cigarette smoking, child birth and breastfeeding, where you are in your monthly or life cycle like menopause or perimenopause. There can also be extenuating circumstances like your partner is a toad or you are over-douching. Some women are affected by body washes and bubble baths. Decreased estrogen levels also result in less blood flow and wetness.

Don’t despair, goddess. It’s not all over for you. A healthy vagina always has some moisture. Natural remedies include drinking more water. Try different over the counter lubricants and moisturizers to find something that’s right for you. Meanwhile avoid douches, feminine hygiene sprays, body washes, bubble baths, bath oils and even scented soaps until you speak to your doctor. Some women have found relief with estrogen creams, coconut oil, olive oil and Vitamin E Suppositories. Certain plants like red clover, kudzu and black cohosh also treat dryness. Natural oils are not recommended for usage with condoms so do your research.


Catch up on Love Class

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at Abiola’s Love University. Her upcoming advice guide is named “The Inner Bombshell Handbook Secret.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.  


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