Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
”Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.” – Audre Lorde
LOVE LESSON: THE ART OF BEING PICKY (& WHY YOU SHOULD BE)
When we were growing up, commercials told us that “choosy moms” selected a specific kind of peanut butter because they wanted the best for their families. At the same time, us kids who were “picky eaters” were probably a source of stress to our “choosy moms.”
Fast forward to adulthood where the mixed marketing of singlehood for adult women shows living single as a “Sex & the City” period of fun and grown up partying while warning that we may be destined to die alone.
Way back when folks still thought that all reality shows were real, I was hired for a show called “Tough Love.” Sure, I’d already previously had my own short film competition show on BET, an advice column in Rolling Out, an empowerment speaking tour, hosting gigs for major networks and my first book “Dare” published by Simon and Schuster. Hindsight is 20/20 but I viewed the reality TV performance gig as a much-needed recession era paycheck after being laid off from BET plus a chance to access a wider audience for my empowerment work.
My character nickname was “Miss Picky” because I said that I wanted a man who was “kind, intelligent, compassionate, generous, spiritual, attractive and available.” It was hilarious. Are there women or men out there who are seeking partners who are the opposite: unkind, unintelligent, non-compassionate, selfish, unattractive to them and unavailable? In my 10+ years of interviewing people from every walk of life and coaching folks on love, self-esteem, dating and relationships, I have yet to meet one. The show’s tagline said that it was easier to get into Harvard Business School that to get “in” with me. I took as a compliment.
Sure, I already had a boyfriend in real life (all of my castmates did) but for me this title was part of a larger narrative about single women, African American women in particular, being “too picky.” The fun of TV personas aside the core message was, “Being who you are, how dare you believe that you are worthy of choosing who to love.”
After all, if statistics say that women of your race and gender are destined to die alone, you should just have anyone who will have you, right?
1. Case Study: Women who are not picky enough.
The recurring question in the media seems to be, “Are black women too picky?” The most interesting thing about this “too picky” narrative is that a large percentage of us are not nearly picky enough.
If black women were more “picky” about our partners we wouldn’t have the numbers on hard-working single mothers with “fatherless” children, contraction of HIV and other STDs, partners with “outside children” and domestic violence rates higher than other groups. Of course there are larger socio-economic issues at play but it’s harmful when love experts push a “take who you get” storyline.
2. Case Study: Women who are too picky.
Recently, I was giving a talk on lessons I learned from being in a 10+ year relationship and ending my first marriage. We turned to the topic of finding love. A woman shared that she required: a man who was over 6’ tall, within a 5 year age bracket, with a certain career and in possession of a specific class of car, neighborhood and home. This is superficial and immature. A person could be all of these surface things and be selfish, negative, inflexible, addicted, going from relationship to relationship and cold!
Be clear, not everyone wants to be or should be in a relationship. There are times in all of our lives where the healthiest thing is to be single. However, we weren’t built to be alone and this kind of superficiality will keep you from healthy love.
This list of “requirements” was not about the man, but about this woman creating a protective barrier and excuse for not finding the love she claims to want. If she ever found this person, she would undoubtedly find other things wrong with him.
In addition, she had not created her own life to be the kind of person that this man might be interested in. Further conversation revealed that she had serious fears of intimacy. This is love self-sabotage. She was unavailable.
[Read: I Don’t Need a Man & Other Limiting Beliefs.]
Sherri Shepherd says that she almost passed up her husband Sal because she originally thought he was too big, height-wise, for her small frame. If your soul mate who would love, honor and adore you happened to be packaged in the “wrong” height, “wrong” career, “wrong” race or “wrong” face would you really pass that up? You don’t know how your Creator might choose to present the perfect person for you to you.
3. Be honest with yourself about what you really want.
A few men have told me that the biggest difference they noticed between the online dating profiles of African American and non-black women is that black women tended to lead with what we don’t want vs. what we do want.
Coming to your search for love with open arms, faith and hope is much healthier than coming forward with closed fists. Is your love viewpoint positive or negative?
You may know what you’re not looking for but what do you really want? If you have an unhealthy list of superficial qualities, is this from you, your family or society’s snapshot of what you imagine success to be?
Be open to dating outside of your race, faith and neighborhood. Widen your playing field. Stop coming to the ocean with a thimble.
4. The difference between being picky and being selective.
There is a difference between making healthy choices about who to love and boxing yourself out of being loved under the guise of being “picky.” All adult women and men have a list of qualities, spoken or unspoken, that they are seeking in a perfect mate. There is not one single human being without a deal breaker list.
Men however, are way pickier than women will ever be. Women who I speak to are always more flexible with their relationship choices, willing to see the potential and possibilities where men are pretty locked into having exactly what they are seeking in the area of love. The difference between being picky and being selective is flexibility and the focus on internal vs. external qualities.
5. Where should you compromise when it comes to love?
If you are an uncompromising person, then you will have little success in any relationship. Your list, spoken or unspoken, about who you are seeking should focus on internal qualities, not externals. Perfection doesn’t exist– thank goodness!
Sending Mr. Right away for being the wrong height makes you Ms. Very Wrong.
6. When should you be selective or picky?
Here’s what to be picky about for long-term partnership: Is this person kind, compassionate, willing and able to commit, available, sane and supportive? Are you spiritually compatible, whatever that means (or doesn’t mean) for you? Is he open and emotionally mature? Is he trustworthy and positive with the ability to lead or follow? Does he approach life with an attitude of generosity?
How does he treat the other women in his life? Would his past partners recommend him? What does he say about past relationships? Is everything everyone else’s fault or can he take responsibility?
7. So, how should you proceed? Are you what you’re looking for?
Be more picky about the kind of person you are than the kind of person you’re looking for. Instead of focusing on finding the one, focus on being the one. If the person you are seeking found you today, would you recognize him – and most importantly, would he recognize you? Make sure that you posses every quality on your list. This is what the law of attraction will deliver in return.
Believe that the kind of love you deserve is possible for you. Know this: you are inherently worthy of love. Don’t list yourself out of the love you deserve. If the dating pool you’re fishing in is too small, jump into a bigger pool where you have more choices. It’s a big world out there. You don’t need everyone to love you, you just need one.
This Week’s Love Homework
You may want to form a Love School Playgroup with your friends to do these assignments. Take 5 deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
- You know what you’re not looking for but what do you really want? Make a list of the internal qualities that you are seeking in a partner.
- Is your love viewpoint positive or negative?
- Examine your past partners. What qualities worked for you and which qualities didn’t?
- Are you everything that you are seeking in a “perfect” mate? For example, if your ideal mate is a “Barack” are you a “Michelle”?
- Review last week’s love lesson on “How to access your inner Afrodite.”
Love Video Resource List
- Single Black Women & Statistics
- Emotional Freedom Technique
- You Deserve to be Picky
- Dating Out of Your Comfort Zone
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
