“Making excuses is a bad sign in a new relationship.” Even though this quote was referring to a writer’s love/hate relationship with his new iPhone 6, I took away a much bigger meaning from the article that offered this gem.
Most, if not all of my past relationships had a few things in common, most notably, my affinity for explaining away the unacceptable behavior of my exes.
“He hasn’t been aggressive with ME.”
“He’s dealing with a lot of latent issues with his dad.”
“He is immature but he’s so talented…”
“He’s got so much going on…”
I was miserable but I “had somebody,” so I subconsciously decided to suffer in silence and excuse habits and behaviors that were clearly unhealthy and not conducive to a long-term relationship.
I had a problem with letting go. If someone wanted me, I wanted to keep it going for as long as The Fates would allow. I was used to feeling undesirable and unworthy of anything that even remotely resembled affection, so whenever someone expressed interest beyond one simple date, I wanted to prove my devotion. I focused so long and hard on being agreeable that I forgot about (or never really even considered) compatibility and simply being treated right. I smoothed over the red flags and tried to bleach them white with exaggerated declarations of his good qualities. I took the Miley Cyrus approach, preaching that “everybody makes mistakes.” That exhausting period of apologizing for my exes and excusing their behavior taught me a few key lessons that have and will continue to inform my dating choices and my life in general:
1. Be up front from the jump.
I allowed fear of rejection to keep me from digging my heels into my truth and speaking that truth at the very beginning. Had I done that, I would have found the courage to step away from anything/anyone that did not align with what I needed before things got too deep and feelings became too strong.
2. Not being compatible is not the end of the world.
No matter how cute someone is or how fun they are, compatibility is key and sometimes, you’re just not compatible with the person you want to be in sync with. It doesn’t always point to an internal issue. It doesn’t always mean that I am (or he is) a terrible person. Sometimes two people are just not meant to be in a romantic relationship and that is ok. It’s better to find this out early and re-position that person in your life to a more suitable role – or cut ties altogether to save the both of you a headache.
3. What you excuse will multiply.
I didn’t believe this at first. I thought that if I downplayed my exes’ unacceptable traits and smothered them with compliments about their good ones, that the good would outweigh the bad.
Yeah, no.
If the bad is never addressed, it will continue and it will get worse. Address it. Address it. Address it.
4. Compromise does not apply to everything.
I absolutely believe that compromise is one of the cornerstones of great long-lasting relationships, but only when applied to certain things. You should never compromise your values, your dreams, or your spirit to “make a relationship work.” If the other person can’t accept the very essence of who you are, then they really don’t accept you. Your values, your dreams and your spirit are your foundation and your bedrock. Own that and stand tall on it. The right person will love you for it, but more importantly, you’ll love yourself.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @ashleylatruly and check out her site: www.ashleyjh.com.
