Hey Buddy With The BlueTooth In Your Ear: You Kind Of Look Like A Douchebag

September 12, 2014  |  

I’m going to get right to the point and ask: what is the deal with people, who walk around with bluetooth headsets in their ear all damn day long?

Like seriously, what in the entire hell is that about?

Yes, I know: don’t we have anything more important to talk about? Sure we do, but y’all ain’t reading those pieces, so I’m going to give the heavy lifting a break for an essay or two and unload a bit on what has become a nerve-touching occurrence among folks of this rapidly expanding technological age. And I’m talking about the rocking of the bluetooth even when you are not even on a telephone call. Hell, even if you are on a phone those things are annoying.

For instance:

You’re alone in room with someone. It really doesn’t matter where the room is located but for the sake of those with little imaginations, let’s say the room is in an office building, in which you just starting working. She looks at you and smiles. You smile in return out of common courtesy. And then this strange woman say, “Girl, ain’t no champagne in the champagne room, you ain’t know?”

And you’re like, “excuse me? There’s a champagne room in this office? Wow. I just started here. But why isn’t there any champagne in the room, kind of defeats the purpose of a champagne room. Well, is there any liquor in the room…”

And then she gives you the most confused blank stare before rolling her eyes and turning her back on you. And as you stand stunned at her rudeness, particularly for her nerve in not pointing you in the right direction of the champagne room with no champagne, you notice the oblong metal but mostly plastic headset sticking out her ear. You suck your teeth and wave your fist, smarting because once again, you have been both bamboozled and Plymouth Rocked by that damn bluetooth. Brother Malcolm tried to warn us…

And yet these awkward social exchanges, courtesy of the bluetooth, happen with such frequency that we are well beyond the personal annoyance stage. Nope, this social faux pas is at a Code Orange. Which means that there is a severe risk of this behavior becoming normalized. We need to start with some rules and strict policing or even brutality. Listen, I’m even in favor of a little tear gassing of the ones, who refuse to unhinge the loop handle quietly from around their ears. Hell, let’s just taze them all for the fun of it.

Don’t get me wrong: the headset has its legitimate uses, like when you are driving and need both hands on the wheel, or when your arms are filled and you really need to take this call with the President of the United States or when you are navigating galaxies unknown or even when you are on an actual call. But most folks wear those things like fashion accessories. In fact, some wearers will actually go out and buy a bunch of transceivers in various designs and patterns just so it matches their outfit, which is a whole new level of self-absorbency.

The thing is, don’t these wearers get tired of random people responding with expressions like, “huh?” or “who me?” to your conversations? Don’t you ever get tired of having to say, “oh, no. I’m not talking to you -although I’m looking you dead in your face. I’m actually talking to the person on the other end.” Even the most self-centered person in the world, has to tire of thinking, “God, why are people always in my business?” Doesn’t any of the humiliation the bluetooth headset has brought into your life make you feel any shame or guilt at all?

The only thing I can surmise is that folks really want other folks to think that they are important. Like a big time Hollywood producer-important, who has to juggle several calls with Steven Spielberg, the president of Time Warner and Denzel Washington at the same time. When really, you’re just a douchebag-looking dude in a white-tee, some basketball shorts and flip flops with sweat socks, walking around Walmart during the hours when most people that are really busy are at work.

Unless you are Lt. Uhuru from Star Trek helping the Star Fleet save the universe from the invading Tribbles, take the damn bluetooth out of your ear, especially when you are not on an actual call and especially when you are in my face, trying to have a conversation. It’s just the polite and civil thing to do.

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