One of the biggest buzzwords for young professionals looking to move forward in their career is “mentor.” You need one. Go get one. Well, I took that advice and reached out to an established professional that I met on several occasions informally. I first asked for an information interview so that I could learn more about what he did, the opportunities for my profession, and insight into what skill set I would need to secure longevity and success in my career.
We met at his office and spoke about some of the opportunities in my field in addition to the many of the things that executives struggle with. After our initial meeting, I was excited and grateful that I found someone that was interested, or at least it seemed interested, in my professional development.
For a year and a half, I would speak to my mentor and visit his office to update him on my career successes, my challenges, and to seek out his advice on the bigger picture. In the midst of this mentorship, I got married, landed a new job, stopped driving, and moved to another part of town. It became difficult for me to visit his office regularly, but I continued to reach out to him over the phone.
When I had the chance to visit him after all of these shifts in my life, he said things like, “Since you’ve been married, you don’t have time for anyone.” Huh?
My mentor was 20 years my senior and married. He implied in many ways that he was not happily married and was taking my marriage to my husband personally. He was taking my inability to visit his office as an affront. He directly related my “not having time for anyone” to my marriage and not the new career demands, my longer commute, or my lack of transportation.
In awkward situations like these, it is hard to know what to do. I did not feel sorry for having a personal life, but I somehow felt… guilty… for not visiting him… I guess?
Even writing that sentence is weird because my expectations for our relationship were based on my professional goals and, in hindsight, his weren’t. This sentiment became exceedingly clear when I was approached by a third party to apply for a position over which he held some influence.
Although the relationship was a bit awkward, I thought fundamentally he respected my credentials and felt I would be the best fit for the job. But when I shared with him that I had been approached to apply for this particular position, he said that I abandoned things too quickly; that the organization that I was interested in was one of his favorites and that he would prefer someone that was really interested in the work.
Irritated, I said, “Abandon what? I have been in my current position for four years. Is this conversation about the position or is this about what you think I should be doing for and with you.”
He did not respond and soon after, neither did the people that so enthusiastically reached out to me to apply for the position.
I can’t say that I was devastated about the end of this “mentor-mentee” relationship or being unfairly overlooked for the position. I learned a lot about human behavior, expectations, and the emotions that we pretend to have in check as professionals when many of us we really don’t.
I now know that mentorship is not the sole solution to career advancement. I believe that peer-coaching, networking, and volunteering in organizations that serve your ultimate career goals are viable options for seeking support and advice for professional advancement.
I also believe mentorship has overshadowed the great benefits of apprenticeship. Unlike mentorship, the focus of apprenticeship is about building a skill set, not a relationship, which in the case of mentees seeking mentors of the opposite sex, can minimize the possibility of someone catching feelings and inappropriately wielding their power against you in bitter response to unrequited love (or lust).
Connect with Kara @frugalfeminista. Learn more about The Frugal Feminista at www.thefrugalfeminista.com Download her free ebook The 5-Day Financial Reset Plan: Eliminate Debt, Know Your Worth, and Heal Your Relationship with Money in Just 5 Days.
