For a short while, I was confused, a bit jaded, and angry about a lot of things when it came to relationships. I declined dating. I refused to share personal stories with anyone except my journal and my mother. I had secluded myself away from friends, unsure of their motives. I made sure I wasn’t disrespectful to anyone, but I felt I needed to distance myself because things simply didn’t feel right. I was transitioning out of an inadequate relationship and was pleasantly surprised by the wealth of knowledge that Bishop T.D. Jakes and Pastor Van Moody were sharing one Sunday at The Potter’s House. I was so intrigued by Pastor Moody’s relationship principles that I immediately purchased his book, The People Factor and began reading intently.
That book is well-worn after two months of studying, underlining, re-reading and sharing. I was led to some truths about myself that I had never considered. I stayed in deep thought for a few days, mulling over what I was learning because I realized I was learning more about myself than I was learning about other people. I was being confronted with how I behave, my ideologies, and where I could do better. I began to see how my actions (or in some cases, inaction) contributed to poor relationships and did nothing to salvage the good.
Here are 5 of those reasons:
1. I was wishy washy because I didn’t truly know myself.
It’s so easy to spit someone else’s ideologies as your own truth just because it sounds good. It’s much harder to figure out what you believe in and desire. It takes time and living. At one point, I was trying to build relationships when I was not sure of myself or what I wanted – out of life or out of my relationships. It’s hard to set boundaries or be respected when you change your mind every other week. Being self-aware and truly knowing who you are and what you stand for cuts out so much of the drama when building a relationship.
2. I jumped all in way too fast.
Whether it was a friendship or a romantic relationship, I used to get so excited when I met people I thought I vibed with. Spending all of my time; sharing all I had; unknowingly centering my life around people I had barely gotten a chance to fully know. A foolish, amateur move on my part.
3. I did not discuss non-negotiables upfront.
Infatuation or the high of meeting someone who seems so amazing on the surface blinded me to dealing with important issues in the beginning of relationships. The important conversations about the things that mean the most to us, how we want to live our lives and more, fell by the wayside. I was always nervous that starting such “heavy” conversation so soon would make the excitement fizzle out. How silly.
4. I was not forgiving.
I grew up thinking that I was always right when it came to building relationships outside of my family. I was also very mistrusting, and that doesn’t make for a good combination. Forgiveness didn’t come easily because more than anything, I was afraid of being hurt. If the smallest thing was done wrong, I was out. No explanations. Petty, I know. I didn’t realize I was injuring myself by not exercising my abilities to problem-solve, and extend compassion.
5. I didn’t trust my instincts.
I have walked into situations knowing that they were no good for me – friendships, romantic relationships, etc. But because of fear of being alone, or infatuation, or just sheer foolishness, I ignored every feeling, every thought, every direct action by the other person that screamed, “We are not on the same page!” Because of this, I found myself in unfulfilled, abrasive, and toxic situations. Had I trusted my gut (peace to Olivia Pope), I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things would have turned out differently.
It’s easy to tell others what they’re doing wrong in their life and relationships, but when I turned the interrogation lamp on myself alone – the discomfort was paralyzing at first. By no means am I asserting that I have it all figured out now. I’m far from that. But I have really learned a lot by simply being honest with myself and doing the work necessary to change.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and check out her site: http://www.hersoulinc.com.
