I have a few friends and acquaintances whom I’ve scoped over the years–I call them my ‘Dram-ishas,’ who, no matter where they go, who they’re with, or what they do, commotion and turmoil always follow them.
I have a theory about these girls with invisible rain clouds over their heads: Nothing is coincidence, and bad luck doesn’t find you, ‘Dram-isha,’ unless you’re in an open field, in the middle of a lightening storm, flying a kite with a key attached to it and tin foil on your head. These girls attract what some part of them deeply desires–drama. Like it or not, they are stimulated by the theater of it all.
The drama could surround jobs. It starts off well, as most jobs do during the learning and honeymoon phase, then at some point, the “fit hits the sham.” The boss is critical, the girls gossip about Dram-isha and don’t invite her to lunch. That package doesn’t get to that very important client in time, and then there’s a conspiracy against her. So Dram-isha decides to go back to school and get a third or fourth degree, is convinced she has FINALLY found her way, and then…kablooey.
If the drama is surrounding a man, Dram-isha will seek all on the rainbeau spectrum–black, white, yellow, red, green with purple polka dots–and no matter how tall, short, light, dark, fat, slim, smart or dumb, he will be the SAME guy, just wrapped up in a different package.
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Psychologist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, has studied strong women in perpetual dysfunctional relationships, which she often sites on her site, Love Victory, and has a few tips for the Dram-ishas out there:
“Don’t focus as much on the “type” of man you choose but rather on what I call “The Who is You” in the relationship. Are you acting the same way from one relationship to another? Are you critical, rejecting, nagging? Do you cling, suspect or mother and smother? Review your interaction style with your past partners. You might be choosing similar or different kinds of men–but still expressing your problems with the same or similar communication approaches. Your needs, fears and unique issues have probably not changed–and possibly your style hasn’t changed either. So, for example, if you have been cheated on in the past, then it is tempting to interrogate, doubt, withdraw affection, and feel insecure in the next relationship,” says Dr. Wish.
“On a deeper level, examine your love comfort zone. They originate in our family when we were young. We tend to feel comfortable with a certain kind of interaction–and then we seek it in our intimate relationships. Sometimes, we are pursuing in a relationship what we didn’t get from our family. And here are the scary and confusing parts: Because we so often lead with our fears, we end up re-creating exactly what we want to avoid. Did you, for instance, crave reassurance or applause and support? If so, then you might be checking with your partner repeatedly for praise. After a while, your partner doesn’t understand what you need, gets fed up–and then acts just like the negative styles in your family. Or if, as a child, you were used to tolerating hitting, then you might minimize the danger of this behavior and see it instead as “how men are” or “what women are supposed to accept.” I know it sounds terrible–after all, why wouldn’t you want to work your hardest to avoid this behavior?? But, then, there it is in your relationship,” she continues.
Now here’s my advice: take responsibility for the fact the you are attracted to the chaos, and then make an ACTIVE choice to change the course. Otherwise, Dram-isha, you will be dancing this dance until you are broke, no longer young and beautiful, and will be cursed with living alone with 100 cats to feed.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released February 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.
