I’ll never forget a story my fiancé told me about a girl he had dealt with in the past: “It was a waste. Her body was incredible, she was cute, but then she just laid there. All of that trash she talked and she just laid there.” I never wanted to be THAT girl. The one who ends up taking the “Worst Sex Ever” crown in some guy’s sexual history. But lately I must say, it’s been taking some serious effort to get me excited. In my early twenties my biggest concerns were passing my midterms and what flavor of Ramen noodles I should keep my on-campus apartment stocked with. Because of that lack of responsibility, I wasn’t just enthusiastic about my next sexual encounter, it was a priority. But I am knocking on thirty and even though I consider myself to be someone with a strong sex drive, I have to admit that between work, freelancing and all of my “adult” responsibilities, there are days where my sex life gets neglected and I would really much rather watch pay-per-view than get it popping. Sex can be physically exhausting, even if the sex drive is there. It doesn’t have to go down like Vivid Entertainment in your boudoir, but good sex is a team effort.
Good sex is not a feat for the lazy, because it is physically tolling. We as women are often quick to point out a “one-minute man” but truthfully, plenty of us have our off days as well. Anyone can just lay there face down, behind up and “aaah” and “ohhh,” but if you’re doing it right you’ll actually be in the game and not holding down the bench. Clothes are flying, your curls are getting sweated out and your heart rate, blood pressure and breathing are all accelerated. In your twenties you may have been able to do a 40-hour work week, twerk in the club until 4 a.m., have a 5-piece chicken McNugget meal for breakfast and then have the best sex ever by Sunday night; but as you get older your hangovers take a little longer to get over and you can’t eat whatever you want and jump out of bed the next day like Stan in the American Dad opening credits. If your body is feeling trashed it will let you know in the most unwanted of all places: the bedroom. You will try to hold your leg up a little higher for a little longer and catch a muscle cramp that will take days to recover from.
We’d all like to believe that we will be young, virile Adult Video stars in practice for the rest of our lives. But all that working hard and playing harder that the superheroes of our teens and early adulthood accomplished begins to catch up with you as you age and can have noticeable effects on your stamina, flexibility and endurance. Low levels of testosterone can also affect your sex drive. Testosterone levels peak in a woman’s mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically.
There are a bunch of things that get misinterpreted as laziness in the bedroom. Libido is as much mental as it is physical. What you suspect is lazy or selfish in yourself or your partner could actually be something else. Tired can look like lazy. Distracted can look like lazy. Inexperience can look like lazy. So before we label someone as “bad in bed,” we might need to cut them some slack and look at the circumstances. Sex can’t always be the gospel according to Trey Songz who has convinced some of us that it isn’t good unless the neighbors are complaining and you emerge from the sheets glistening in sweat. The least you can do is aim for an A for effort. If your libido is lacking, these common culprits may be to blame:
I don’t know about you but car notes and school loan repayments don’t exactly make me feel all hot and bothered. Stressors like bills, work responsibilities and the state of your personal relationships will be a constant in life, but that’s no reason to neglect your sexual self. Sometimes you just have to learn to turn them off and go for yours. Trust me, the bills will still be there after you’ve released that tension, you just won’t be as bothered by them.
If my text alert isn’t beeping, I’m getting a coupon from CVS in my e-mail. We are so used to multi-tasking that we have become extra sensitive to outside distractions no matter what we’re doing. Turn off the phone, turn off the TV and get a partner that keeps you plenty occupied. You should not be worried about who is going to survive the next episode of Walking Dead if you’re properly getting broken off.
If you’re getting a little older like me, you’ll begin to recognize that you have to start making an effort to maintain your health. Getting plenty of sleep, drinking water and eating properly makes more of a difference than you think in how far you can bend your leg back or how long you can keep that love on top.
The lack of sexual attraction to a partner that once was so enticing to you could be symptom of underlying problems. Are you worried that he/she is cheating? Find yourself fantasizing about a co-worker? If that’s the case, bad sex or no sex at all isn’t really about what’s affecting you physically, but a clue that something has gone awry emotionally.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.