From Essence
Dear Dr. Sherry,
My husband is very self-centered and self-serving. He seems abusive, but not in a physical way. He seems to want total power and control over me and anything and everything we, or I, do. He rarely speaks to me, and when he does, it is always either to complain about little things that don’t really matter or to make me feel like I am always wrong and he is always right. If he decides he wants to do something, he tells me in a matter-of-fact way, but if I want to do something, he either totally ignores me or tries to control what happens or keep it from happening. He is very condescending when he speaks to me, especially in front of our two girls. He puts me down in front of his relatives and then turns it around and tries to make it seem like I am in the wrong, too sensitive or overreacting.
I sometimes feel like he purposely does things in front of his relatives that he knows will upset me, just to get a reaction. He yells at the kids and I in private, but in front of his family he pretends to really care about us and have a true interest in the kids. I just want to call him out on it in front of them, but I know his family will attack me and come to his rescue because they think he is a wonderful dad and husband. Or, maybe they’re just in denial. I’m not sure. I don’t make a lot of money, but yet he takes almost every dime I make, supposedly to help pay our bills, but yet he plans dinners and going to the movies with his family without even asking or consulting me about this. I want to call him out in front of his family and say, “I thought you said, you could barely pay the mortgage on time this month,” but yet there he is inviting his family out to dinner and a movie with ours and offering to get their tickets.
It makes me feel like he is using my extra money to do this and meanwhile I’m broke and have no money to buy myself clothes or basic things I need. But if I call him out in front of his family, I know he will turn it around somehow and say it’s all my fault somehow. I don’t know what to do. And, to make matters worse, I lost my rock, my mom, a few months ago suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. She was my only outside source of help and support when I needed it. I don’t have any friends because of him and his control issues. Now he knows I am really dependent on him. I feel so lost and alone. Any advice you could offer would be great. Thank you.
Read Dr.Sherry’s answer at Essence.com
