Like many young men and women in the African-American community, I grew up with an absent father. My biological dad was active for the first five years of my childhood before he became a revolving door who was in and out at random points in my life. He was like a ghost. I knew he was around, saw him from time to time, but whenever I thought I could reach out and touch him, he was gone again. There have been plenty of times when I’ve cried because of this, felt abandoned by him, and hurt because he put secondary things before me. So for all of you who are suffering from the trauma, I know what that feels like.
Of course, experiencing a fatherless childhood affects both males and females, but women deal with the pain of having a distant daddy in different ways than our male counterparts. Some attempt to fill that void by leading a life of promiscuity, sleeping with different men in an effort to feel love. Others bring issues of trust, fear, and bitterness into romantic relationships with their partners, and some women avoid men altogether. In essence, it all boils down to feelings of inferiority, insecurity, or hate; whether for self or your long-gone father.
You can do one of two things. You can either continue to let those negative feelings swallow you up and drain you of your happiness, or you can learn to heal and move on. First things first: Recognize that your dad’s lack of involvement in your life as a child—or an adult—is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I don’t care if your parents divorced when you were young and you moved with your mom, or if they fought all the time because they were stressed about being young parents—whatever the case, never for once think that you weren’t good enough to have your father around, or that you did something wrong. Know that you were and are innocent in the situation and that your father’s vanishing act was due to his own selfishness, immaturity, weakness, and irresponsibility. Feeling like you are the reason you made it to adulthood without once seeing your father’s face, or without fostering a bond with the man who helped give you life will cripple you if you hold on to it. So get rid of that mentality, and quick.
Accept that you had a fatherless childhood and cry if you need to…it’s okay. But don’t let it burden you any longer—grow from it. Let it be your motivation in life; the fuel you need to go after any and everything you set your mind to and attain it by all means. I know it’s easier said than done, but do it. And forgive your father. Whether he’s deceased, alive, still absent, or trying to two-step his way back into your life, find it within yourself to put all those negative emotions behind you and be forgiving. Trust me, it will be more beneficial to you than you think. Lord knows that carrying a grudge is one of the heaviest weights to bear in the world; once you lay it to rest, you will feel liberated.
If you can, I also suggest building a strong bond with your dad in your adulthood, since in many cases, fathers who disappear from their children’s lives when they are young often emerge years later in an attempt to right their wrongs. Don’t hate him. Express your feelings to him and go from there. Maybe you can start something beautiful. Maybe not. I, for example, can attest to the fact that things don’t always work out so smoothly. Yes, I’ve forgiven my father long ago. We’ve talked and I’ve unfolded all of my agony, disgust, and feelings of being incomplete before him, but some things just don’t change. I love him, but I’ve also accepted that we will probably never have a strong bond. And I’m completely okay with that at this stage in my life. The bottom line is: Let go and live freely. Release all of the emotional baggage, pray to God for strength to move forward, and always remember that you are amazing regardless! You deserve to move on and do so with peace.
