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Ex-boyfriends never really go away; like talking bears out in the wilderness, they just hibernate and wait for their anytime minutes to kick in.

I came to this conclusion after a couple of blasts from the past just turned up in my life – uninvited. Two months ago, I got a real random telephone call from this one guy, I hadn’t spoken to in over seven years. He was like, “Hey Charing how are things?” And I was like, “Who dis? The check is in the mail?” To which he laughed and said, “it’s me, *Hershey(names changed to protect the athirst) And I was like, “okay. What’s up?” To which he responded, “Nothing I was just thinking about you…” Thinking about me? Dude we went on one date and have, maybe, talked on the telephone no more than ten times. You say you were thinking of me but dude, we barely know each other. But what I actually said was, “I’m well.” And then there was this long awkward pause, which he finally broke with, “So what are you doing right now?” To which I sighed, rolled my eyes at his inability to take hints and told him, “Look, I got to go do – something…” He started stammering, “oh…oh…oh, well do you want me to call you back later.” To which I said, “Uhh, no I’m cool.”

I don’t care if you haven’t spoken to him since y’all played Tiddlywinks in kindergarden; I don’t care if you caught him sharing play-doh with the little brown skin girl with the long pigtails and vowed never to speak to him again. If he still remembers your name and has your digits, he will call. It might be a year from now; two years or even 15 years, he will call. And now thanks to modern technology, particularly social networking, a dude doesn’t even have to remember your number; just spell your name correctly.

Like over this past weekend, I got a friend request from an ex-boyfriend I hadn’t seen in 15 years. And we didn’t exactly end on good terms. Our relationship was intense but yet very uneven. I was 15; he was 23. I was a virgin; he wanted to deflower me. I wanted to hold hands and walk off into the sunset on a beach and he wanted to go deflower another stupid young girl. I went through a lot of unnecessary grown-up folks pain over this puppy crush. And it took me a while to heal but eventually, all fairy dust and the rose colored eye infections had cleared up. And I got over it and on with my life, determined to leave that negativity in the past. So when I saw his request, I accepted because I know I am past it (and no longer harbor any ill will). Besides, he couldn’t possibly still be trying to play Return of The Mack after all that time, right? Sometimes in life, you really do have to give yourself the side eye.

First came the innocuous, “Hey stranger” into my inbox. And then it quickly escalated into, “I can’t believe that for 15 or so years, you never ran across me. I suspect you did and you were just trying to avoid me. But I could be wrong. Its just the Virgo in me I guess!” How about we don’t bring the moon, the stars and the constellations into this fuckery? Oh but he wasn’t done yet and asked me, via inbox, to meet for drinks. The only catch was that he doesn’t drink alcohol so he would just be having Pepsi. No sir! I seen enough after school special to know how that ends. He assured me that he wasn’t trying to rehash the past and that actually he was engaged to be married. “I’m just trying to catch up.” I reasserted my position, which was basically that I’m good; not interested; passed it; forward forever, backwards never, and every thing else in between. But we can be friends – whatever that likely looks like on Facebook. He said he understood. But then…

On Sunday evening I started to feel under the weather. And as such, updated my status on Facebook to reflect my poor condition. Well Mr. Dud from the Past, took that as a personal invitation to inbox me again – first with offers to bring me some soup and medicine. And then when that didn’t work, he went on this long drawn out story about how he has been talking to his fiance about me and how much I meant to him. “ No one can change that not even her…” Deleted, unfriended and block. Got damn you Facebook. Got damn you to Hell!

The point I’m trying to make here is that the thirst is real. And random pop-up dudes are the thirstiest of them all. Sure there are a couple of great, wonderful stories floating around about exes, who remained friends or the long-forgotten lovers, rekindling things and living happily ever after. But those stories are a rarity. And the overwhelming odds are that the ex, who out of the blue decides to call “just to see how you are doing,” is definitely fishing – whether it be fishing for a hookup; maybe a couple of dollars (especially if you were always good for it in the past);or even just to see if he still has game. Whatever the motive behind the expedition, it’s probably best to not take their sudden reappearance seriously or else risk getting yourself hurt by the same person – twice. Call me jaded but usually there is a real and valid reason why this person is your ex and not your current.

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