Freaking Him Out: Why You Can’t Do Too Much Too Soon in the Bedroom

July 12, 2013  |  

The other day, under the influence of a lot of alcohol and the high of knowing the work week was done for at least two days, a friend revealed to me that in a former relationship/fling she had done some pretty kinky things early on and excused it away by the fact that she’s a self-proclaimed “freak.”  I couldn’t help but feel like some of the freaky favors she did for him should have been earned, which he clearly hadn’t in my opinion. In my experience, a woman who pulls all of her tricks out her hat within the first few sexual encounters can be scary for some men, and for others, it can be a good reason not to stay for the rest of the film when all of the good scenes are gone in the beginning.

The truth is, some of us truly are freaks while some of us just use the label as an excuse to desperately try to keep a man’s interest.  If a man is only sticking around on the prospect of good sex, you may not want to be that involved with him anyway.  Still, I don’t subscribe to the notion that the p-word is power.  You can be swinging from the ceiling in a harness in nothing but pasties and a g-string and making a man speak in tongues during a sexual encounter, but if the first thing he is thinking about after he reaches his peak is the excuse he can use to haul a** out of there, any power you may have had is left behind on the bedroom floor.

So the next question is, what do people consider freaky? That answer is subjective; one woman’s n***le clamp is another woman’s soft-core fantasy. That is to say, everyone’s definition of “taboo” is different. I think it’s important to feel out your sexual chemistry with someone so you can get a sense of whether you have a 40-year-old virgin or a certified panty-wetter on your hands.  Sometimes this happens naturally.  You’ll date a guy and all night you’re tearing each other’s clothes off with your eyes, the conversation is heavy with sexual innuendo, and your sixth sense is telling you, in the words of Elle Varner, you’re going to need a soundproof room.  Other times, you have to let the conversation flow naturally, and hopefully after a few weeks, when it comes time to talking risque, you’ll have a better sense of what you’re working with.  Either way, you have to be careful not to do too much too fast. If you’re pulling out the camera phone wanting to get your first freak session on film, one of two things could happen: he’ll assume you do this with every guy, or he just might not be on your side of the freaky scale and he’ll go running for the hills. It’s easier said than done, because I know if I had a moment with J. Cole, I’d be pulling more tricks out of my magic bag than David Copperfield. However, there’s something to be said about the thrill of the chase. Unfortunately, many of us have lost sight of just how important building anticipation is. I feel like ever since the Lil’ Kim era, women have been trying shamelessly to prove how sexually empowered they are. We’re trying so hard to be the “cool” girlfriend who can have casual sex and not catch feelings that we forget how good it feels to be pursued and courted.

Sometimes you just want to feel good and it’s easy to lose control in the heat of the moment and find yourself doing things that you know you’d normally give the side-eye to. But if you’re pulling out your your best moves in bed before he’s even taken you to a movie, you have to consider what you both have to look forward to and the tone you may be setting for the relationship.  I don’t knock people’s desire to have casual sex if they truly can handle it. Who knows? You may be in a situation where you only have Trey Songz for one night and you want to make it memorable. But if we’re talking about a man you could potentially want to be with, you may have to proceed with caution. You can only use the line, “I don’t normally do things like this,” so many times before it becomes a boldfaced lie.

So let’s address the idea of a man “earning” your inner freak. I said that you shouldn’t be looking at your sexuality as a bargaining chip and I meant it.  But women should look at their bodies as temples and sexual experiences with you with all the bells and whistles shouldn’t be something that every man you meet has access to.  It’s not as much about breaking a man down and making him beg for it as it is about giving the relationships some time to be about something more than what’s between your legs.  If not for having some discretion, do it for health’s sake.  High-risk activities like unprotected sex, an*l sex and the exchange of bodily fluids shouldn’t happen until you’ve made an effort to get to know more about a man than his favorite position, or at least until you’ve both been tested.  Having some boundaries and standards about what you are willing to do and when increases the excitement and maintains a level of respect.

If you’re bypassing freaky to trifling, does it tarnish your “wifey” potential to a man you just met? Today’s men need to be given credit for being more sexually open-minded than we think. Fading are the days where they place freaks and sophisticated women they have respect for in two separate categories, at least in the bedroom.  Most men are now open to the fact that the woman they love can be their private Adult Video star as well.  What matters most is that whatever you choose to do with your body, you stay true to yourself.  You shouldn’t be making the effort to do anything that makes you uncomfortable because you have a point to prove, are trying to impress, or don’t know how to say no.  Good sex goes both ways and any man that has the least bit of respect for you won’t look at you differently because you weren’t down for a golden shower or letting his friend hit it too.  Taking your time can help you tell the difference between if you are doing it because you’re truly into it, or because you’re afraid he will find someone else who is.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.  

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