Even today in 2010, there are a lot of misconceptions about interracial dating/relationships. The article right here on Madame Noire called “8 Reasons To Date A White Man” is proof of that. Each of those reasons was couched within a slight to black men, as if the only reason black women date other races is because of perceived deficiencies in black men. As someone whose husband is not black, I can tell you that at least in my case (and most people I know), this is completely untrue. I love my husband because of who he is, not because of any worn out stereotypes and half-baked statistics I have about my own race.
We’ve been together for a total of five years and married for three years. In that time friends, family, acquaintances and nosey strangers have asked me a multitude of questions about my decision to marry a white guy. Here are a few of the tamer questions and my responses.
1. Why do you hate black men?
The short and sweet answer is that I don’t hate black men. My father is a black man as are my brother, a boatload of cousins, most of my male friends and about 85% of the men I’ve ever dated. There are lots of good black men in my life. I do not believe the hype of those skewed statistics that certain media outlets feed us. There are good black men out there, ladies. They do exist. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have a good black man by your side. I chose my husband because he is kind, smart, handsome, ambitious, funny, etc. For some reason people assume that if you are with a non-black man, you must have sworn off black men at some point. I never did that.
2. Why do you hate yourself?
I love this question! It’s so ridiculous that I can’t help but laugh. This question is rooted in the idea that we choose mates who are our reflections and if I choose someone who doesn’t reflect my brown skin and tightly curled hair, then I obviously hate myself. I’m probably just trying to have some light skinned-ed (can’t forget that extra “ed”) babies. Race traitor! My husband and I would never be confused for being relatives, but we do share common values and priorities. We use different spf levels of sunblock. I’m fine with that. Oh and I don’t hate myself. Duh.
3. Has he even seen Love Jones/The Color Purple/Any other black classic movie?
This is a very common question. I’ve had girlfriends tell me that they could NEVER date someone who has never seen “Love Jones.” Interesting. When we met, my husband had seen some black movies, but certainly not as many as the average black person. I watch black movies (and lots of other types as well), so he does too. It’s been fun watching new and old movies together. Sometimes I have to explain certain cultural references. Sometimes I have to look up answers to his questions. I don’t mind that at all. We were raised in different environments, so of course we have different reference points. We teach each other things. Hubby hadn’t seen “Love Jones” until after we met. We have it on DVD now.
4. What do you talk about?
Another funny question. Some people think that black women and white men are automatically polar opposites with nothing in common. Though my husband and I were not raised in similar environments as far as racial demographics, our separate experiences have somehow brought us to similar conclusions about the important things. We don’t have the same opinions on everything, but we are on the same page on big issues like finances, civil rights, taking care of family, being politically aware, being involved in social issues–things like that. We talk about everything like any other husband and wife.
5. How did you meet?
At the club! Yep, we met at a club that had a bar, loud music, dancing and the whole nine. Fortunately, we were both open to the possibility that you can actually meet a decent person at such an establishment. We’ve communicated with each other every single day since the first day we met. Thanks Usher, for providing my theme song.
