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I have been dating someone long distance for the last 7 months. We both are looking to be together for the long term and have about 1.5 yrs left of long distance. We have seen each other on 3 different occasions (5 days, 5 days and 16 days)  But we are extremely close. Talk everyday and have spent countless hours on the phone. I have met his parents and a few close friends. Before we were intimate, he admitted to me that it’s harder for him to be open sexually with a woman he really likes and cares for.  Well, he wasn’t kidding because that’s exactly how he has been with me.  I have brought this up to him a few times and he tells me it is because he really likes me and he doesn’t want to do anything to “disrespect” me.

There are several comments he has made that make me think he’s not naturally so open or a freak even though I know he has been with quite a few women. I’m not sure if these women were always the aggressive ones, but I’m used to a man taking more control in bed. While I appreciate that he sees me as a nice girl, I don’t want him to see me as a good girl in bed. I want to be very sexually open with him but his reservations made me hold back a bit because I was reacting to the vibes I got from him.

I brought up the issue again and he said “Maybe I think too much with you” and then made a comment which really confused me; he said “maybe white girls spoiled me”….I think it was a very stupid comment, but I cannot stop thinking what he meant by it. I thought (that perhaps) they were too aggressive and I’m not aggressive enough. He’s black and I’m neither black or white. His other comment that maybe he’s not that good. I disagreed with him. I think the sex is great but I just want him to be more fun and playful in bed. He also said something that really made me mad: “I feel like you want me to make love to you, but I’m not ready for that yet” To me what he had been doing was more “love making”…what I was asking for was really pure fun sex!

I sent him a few suggestive text messages about what I want us to do in bed and asked if those things can happen…he said I hope so. What’s a girl to do? What should I do next time? …I mean come on…the “nice girl” he likes is telling him to see her as a sl*t in bed…what guy wouldn’t be all over that?”

Wow.  We have long distance love built on extremely limited face time, an interracial pairing (which I’m raising as an issue because you did and because of his whack sweeping generalization about white women) AND some serious failure to connect in terms of sexual styles. In the words of Joey Lawrence…whoa!

Where do I start? Well, for one, understand that sexual compatibility isn’t always *there* with a couple that sees each other daily. It sometimes requires special effort to develop that connection and the fact that y’all are only doing it every now and again isn’t making that any easier. It’s good that you are able to identify your personal frustrations, but you have to be prepared to spend a good amount of time working on them.

I’m not buying the “white girls spoiled me” story. White girls aren’t all the same in bed and I can’t help but be a little curious about how he’s selected those lovers prior to you and why.  Perhaps, as he suggested, he isn’t that great in bed. And, he has previously dealt with women whom he felt would do the burden of the work.  Or perhaps he’s just not sure how to deliver this sort of sex that you have requested. The whole “I don’t want to do X-Y-Z sexually because I respect you” thing is odd, yet not totally unheard of.  I can’t say for certain why he feels that way, but it is important that you tell him straight up that while you may appreciate his attempts to place you on some sort of pedestal, it’s keeping you from having the sort of sexual connection with him you truly desire.

I’m assuming that by “pure fun,” you mean rougher sex (this song came to mind), as opposed to the tender, sweet love-making he’s offering. Show him what that looks like. Put on a porno flick that illustrates what you have been looking for. When you’re in the moment, guide him (“I like that…do it faster.” “You don’t have to be so gentle, I won’t break…”). You really just haven’t had a lot of sexual experience with this person yet and I think guidance (despite his sorta lame ideas about sex with a “good” girl versus a “bad” one) is the biggest issue. Continue to be vocal and clear about what you want and hopefully, you two will find a shared groove.

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