A new toxic dating trend is making the rounds, and while it might seem harmless at first, it could be sabotaging your chances of building a genuine connection with someone over time. It’s called “floodlighting,” the tendency to overshare deeply personal information too early in the dating process.
Although opening up may feel like a way to build intimacy, doing so before trust is established can be overwhelming or off-putting to the other person. Remember, you’re still getting to know each other, and real trust takes time to develop.
“This sharing can feel like a shortcut to closeness, but it often overwhelms the listener, making the connection feel intense but unsteady,” explained Dr. Sarah Hodges, a Therapy Network Manager at the mental health-centered company Headspace, during an interview with Today published April 16. “Unlike intentional vulnerability, which unfolds over time and is reciprocal, floodlighting tends to be one-sided and can sometimes push the other person away.”
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It’s natural to want to share personal stories about your family or an anecdote about that time your high school bully embarrassed you, but deeply personal experiences about your life are best revealed gradually, as you build a genuine connection with your date. These conversations should unfold naturally over time, explained Dr. Hodges. Opening up too quickly, especially on a first or second date, can come across as overwhelming or even desperate, and may place unnecessary pressure on the other person before trust has had a chance to develop.
“Instead of letting trust develop naturally, it’s like skipping ahead to the most intense part of a relationship before the foundation is there,” the therapist added.
Why do people commit floodlighting?
Why do people floodlight, you ask? According to Dr. Hodges, this bad habit often stems from an anxious attachment style, the deep need to be accepted fully—flaws and all—right from the start. Many people don’t even realize they’re doing it most of the time. But it’s typically a subconscious tick that occurs when someone is trying to “test” the “emotional availability” of their potential partner, hoping that they respond well to their vulnerabilities.
“This concept resonates because so many people—especially those with unresolved trauma—are desperate for deep connection, but aren’t sure how to build it safely,” she noted.
Jessica Alderson, co-founder of the dating app, So Synced, put it this way: Floodlighting can often stem from a need for reassurance rather than intentional manipulation. However, in an interview with Glamour on Feb. 25, she pointed out that some people may consciously or unconsciously use this behavior to fast-track emotional intimacy, which can put pressure on the other person and lead to premature emotional entanglement.
At the same time, the person floodlighting may also be putting themselves at risk of emotional exploitation. This behavior can create imbalanced dynamics in a relationship. When one person shares deeply and frequently, while the other is left in the role of emotional supporter or caretaker, it can lead to a dynamic where one partner appears overly dependent or fragile. Healthy relationships thrive on a mutual and balanced exchange of vulnerability, built gradually over time.
Bottom line, being open is key to connection, but in the early stages of dating, pace matters. Let trust grow gradually because intimacy built slowly is intimacy built to last.
Are you guilty of committing this toxic dating trend?
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