Fearing other people’s opinions, or FOPO for short, can wreck our self-esteem and overall quality of life if we allow feelings of insecurity and inadequacy to take control. Psychologist Michael Gervais coined the term FOPO to describe the instinct to hide or downplay parts of ourselves to gain approval and avoid rejection, especially from those we admire.
“And it’s characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval,” Gervais told HuffPost in an interview published June 14.
Why is FOPO a thing, you ask? The human behavior expert shared that the pesky habit stems from our upbringing and how we are raised to socialize and build connections.
“The reason that we’re doing that is because, long ago, our brains paired safety with belonging. If we got kicked out of the tribe … it was a near-death sentence to try to survive in the wild by oneself or even with just a handful of people,” Gervais explained. “Getting rejected by another person now is not a near-death sentence, but it still feels that way.”
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FOPO shows up in so many ways. For example, you might feel eager to impress your boss, but after receiving criticism on part of your work, you shrink back and overcompensate to regain their approval. Or maybe you feel pressured to buy the latest clothes or gadgets just to keep up with friends who spend big on expensive items. These kinds of situations can take a serious toll on your confidence and self-esteem over time. Social media doesn’t help either, says Gervais.
“With constant exposure to the curated highlights of others’ lives, people can fall into the trap of constant comparison, look for external validation, and look outside themselves to see how they feel about themselves,” the Finding Mastery podcast host shared during a 2024 interview with Forbes.
How do you break free from FOPO and regain confidence?
When we prioritize other people’s opinions over our own, we end up living by their standards instead of our own. To live a high-performance life, we need to shift our focus inward rather than outward. Fortunately, there are practical steps we can take to break free from FOPO. According to Gervais, the first step is becoming aware of the thought patterns that drive our behavior.
“To shift our relationship with FOPO, we need to be aware of our thought processes and how they influence perceptions and behaviors,” Gervais told Forbes. “This includes understanding one’s biases, beliefs, and the mental models that shape our worldview.”
Having a strong sense of purpose is also crucial in overcoming FOPO. He defines purpose as the deep belief that you’re here for a reason to do something meaningful with your life.
“It’s an internally derived, generalized intention that’s both meaningful to you and consequential to the world beyond you. In short, your purpose matters to you. It has intrinsic value to you. It’s bigger than you. And purpose has a future orientation.”
Finding that meaningful life goal is key, because when those feelings of FOPO begin to creep in, you can then rewire your brain to “turn inward and check against” your purpose for validation, rather than other people’s opinions for approval.
“‘Am I being true to my purpose?’ becomes the new reference point rather than ‘Am I being liked?’” Gervais added.
Do you suffer from FOPO? Tell us about your experience and how you combat the feeling to protect your confidence and self-esteem.
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