Are there any hard rules to online dating? Do we focus too much on our potential mate or partner’s social media presence? How much can we really learn about someone’s personality through their social channels?
Welcome back to part two of Listen to Black Women, where co-hosts Jessie Woo, Chris Miss, Tiffany Nicole Ervin and Kevin Antoniyo, LTBW’s first male co-host, delve into their experiences navigating the inevitable complexities of dating in the age of social media.
Exploring Our Options
Woo raises the question, “Does having access to so many people lead to commitment and infidelity issues?”
Antoniyo responds, “One hundred percent. There’s a certain level of maturity that you gotta have to be in the middle of all that excess. Most of us—I’ll be honest—we’re not mature enough to handle seeing a bunch of beautiful women right there, regularly.”
The group explores what constitutes behavior on social media that would embarrass a partner.
“I think it’s when you’re on social media embarrassing your girl, like throwing heart eyes in [the] comments and being thirsty—that’s where the problem comes from,” Ervin says.
“Some women don’t even want you to Like,” Antoniyo says.
The co-hosts agree—this is childish. Ervin raises another point.
“I also think that sometimes social media can highlight mentalities that you may not necessarily agree with.”
She describes following a potential date on Instagram and realizing from the get-go that they would not get along.
“I already know what type of person you are, and we just aren’t compatible,” she says.
Stalking Your Ex or Next?
Miss asks, “When it comes to Insta-stalking your ex—are we doing that, are we not? Where do we draw the line with our sanity?”
The other co-hosts would rather stalk their ‘next.’ “It’s more important to investigate the ‘next,’” Ervin says.
Miss admits that she enjoys looking back in time.
“I like when I see it and it doesn’t bother me,” she says. “If I go back to see, and I feel something… then I’m like okay, you’re not healed, are you not over it? So I love going back and being like, ‘oh that’s cute, I’m happy for him.’”
Antoniyo says that because his relationships have been solid for the most part, they are harder to let go. He’s also not keen on seeing an ex doing well in their next life.
Woo says it’s imperative to stalk your ‘next’ to try and get the full picture of who they are. “I don’t ever want to get with someone and then like, what they’re attached to destroys me,” she says. “Or what they have going on impacts something that I have going on. That’s how social media works these days.”
Rules of Online Dating
“What are some unspoken rules of online dating, or shooting your shot on Twitter or IG?” Miss asks the group.
Antoniyo dismisses the notion. “There are too many rules—unspoken and unwritten rules. It’s like, do I like you or not?” He would rather not obsess over a partner’s social media presence, and focus on real-life interactions instead. “That’s why I’m just like, stay off my page, please. Don’t hurt your own feelings, don’t go through my comments—don’t do that. You’re gonna be up all night. And I’m gonna be sleeping like a baby because I don’t care about what’s going on on your end,” he says.
Instead of investigating your ‘next’ on their social channels, Antoniyo says, “Go on a buffer date.”
Woo explains, “A buffer date is, you go out for coffee and you see if you really like the person that you saw on social media. And then, if you feel like you get a good vibe, then you take them on a date.”
Miss adds, “If I don’t know you, and you’re sliding into my DMs, chill with the perverted stuff… Don’t lead with that. If you want to say I’m beautiful, don’t talk about my body parts. Because it’s very important for me as a woman to feel safe. And if I’m already feeling cringe-y with the DMs, 10 times out of 10, I’m not gonna go out with you.” The group agrees that ensuring a woman’s comfort and safety is key to securing a date.
The co-hosts play a few rounds of This or That: Social Media Dating Edition.
Would you rather match on Hinge or DM for a date? Post bae for the public or look single on all your profiles? If you’re posting bae, do you tag them in every picture or Diddy crop their face? Your celeb crush is in a known relationship but DMs you in Vanish Mode. Are you airing him out, or seeing what’s up and praying karma doesn’t get to you? Their answers may surprise you.
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