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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits!  Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth”, has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at


Dear Ashley,

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year.  Our sex life is active, usually I’m the natural top and she likes to be dominated. I had a conversation with her once, regarding how I want her to be more engaging. She complied and tried and it was great, in fact I feel like our nights are better when she is engaging. There’s passion. This is very rare though. Another thing is that she still refuses to go down on me. She told me that she is very easily grossed out by people’s natural scents and tastes and that she’s only really gone down on people during showers. She is also very uptight, and makes us use hand sanitizers every time we change position. I find her absolutely beautiful, and I’m physically attracted to her. Performance wise, I feel very deprived and oftentimes my needs aren’t met.  How can I get her to be the woman I need her to be sexually?


I’m Deprived

Man looking upset after an argument with his wife

Source: Stígur Már Karlsson /Heimsmyndir / Getty

Dear Mr. Sexually Deprived,

Sooooo, why are you still with her again? She’s pretty–great, but you’re not happy and sexually frustrated, so again I ask why are you still with her? Y’all are not married and you didn’t mention having any kids, so what’s really good?

What I’ve learned over the years is if you tell a person what you need and they’re not willing to compromise, then they don’t care about your needs. It sounds as if your girlfriend only complied to pacify you, not because she cared about what you need sexually. Chances are she may never be who you need her to be in the bedroom because she may have no desire to be. It seems as if Sis has no interest in pleasing you. She reads like a selfish lover.

There are way too many flavored lubes on the market to use the excuse you don’t like the taste of a penis. The reason might be that she doesn’t want to give you head because she is not concerned about pleasing you sexually. I like giving head, not because it does anything for me per say but because of how much it turns my partner on. I like knowing I am pleasing him. I like to hear him moan. I love to watch him squirm. It turns me on knowing “I did that.”

It’s quite the ego booster. But again, I care about my man being pleased. So I say again, why are you there if you are not satisfied? Sex is a big thing in relationships and getting lackluster sex while in the dating phase should definitely be a red flag. According to my married male friends, sex doesn’t always get better after you say “I Do.” A lot of times, it fizzles out or decreases after the wedding day. What’s up with hand sanitizer? That’s just weird. Is she afraid of bodily fluids? My advice to you is to consider what you really want from this relationship. Do want to be with someone who cares about your sexual desires and needs? Is it a deal-breaker? If it is, chuck the deuces. Life is too short for bad unfulfilling sex.


Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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