Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at email@example.com
I have been dating a guy since the end of 2018. My issue with dating is that once I determine that I am interested in a man, I don’t have the time or energy to entertain other men. So I have only been seeing / sexing him. He continued to have sex with other women but this year he decided that he wanted us to call ourselves in a relationship.
The issue is that he said he won’t have sex with other women until he travels internationally with his friends. I struggle because this Black man is a unicorn. He is what I want in a partner. He’s educated, comes from a great family, doesn’t have any children, has a good job and wants to be a provider for a family. We have talked about marriage and family. We have even gone to couples therapy for a while but this is the ONLY issue that I struggle with.
I can’t stand that he continues to want to be a whore while out of the country. Yes, I could leave the relationship; but honestly, I’m about to be 34 and still hold on to the fantasy of being married and having kids. Am I just delusional to want this type of life? I know most people are going to say I need to leave, but is there ever any other option than leave or let that man cheat in peace?
PS – If we ended up together he would be able to provide for our family and give my future children way more than I would be able to. He also is constantly asking for me to let him “do more” for me financially now. It’s hard for me to do that as a GF but I would look forward to it as a WIFE.
Dear Ms. Running Out of Options,
You don’t want to leave nor do you want him to cheat. So you want to settle?! Because ultimately that’s what you’re doing. Is he really a unicorn or do you think this is the best you’re going to get? Your first mistake was not dating around. You never put all your “boo” eggs in one “boo” basket until they have all theirs in yours. I know you said you don’t have time to entertain multiple people and I get that but while you were only entertaining him, he was for the streets. I advocate dating around, because it allows you not to get too invested too early with someone who isn’t invested in you— he wasn’t invested.
It also allows you to find potential partners that align with your vision of partnership—he doesn’t align. You wasted three years of your life with a man who will never give you what you want because you were too busy to shop around. He’s never going to be a one woman man. You want monogamy. He doesn’t. You are settling and wasting your time. People waste valuable time in dead end relationships hoping and wishing things were a certain way rather than seeing things for how they are. You’re blinded by how you wish things would be instead of seeing this man and this relationship for what it is. Saying that monogamy is the ONLY issue is a pretty big issue. You’re writing to me trying to see if there is another way, you’re holding on to this hope of maybe things will work out. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it wont. Get out now.
You’re thirty-four and you think you’re running out of time, you’re not. You might actually find someone who meets all of your requirements of partnership if you had the courage to let this go. We, as women, sometimes believe that when it comes to love we have to settle and that just isn’t true. We all should be realistic in our preferences as well as have a list of non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are the things you have to HAVE in a relationship. Monogamy seems to be a non-negotiable for you. If anyone you date doesn’t currently practice monogamy they are not for you. I don’t care if they meet all the other criteria on your list, if they are not ok with being in an exclusive sexual relationship with just you, then next caller. The only person who is wasting your time at this point is you. Life could be everything you want it to be if only you would stop trying to force a square peg into a circle and actually start looking for another round peg.
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley