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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com
Dear Ashley,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years collectively and living with him just as long. In the beginning, we had sex all the time and it was decent. But just when I was teaching him what I wanted, it all stopped. I would say after about 6 months our sex life took a hard left. We we’re only having sex once every 2 or 3 months at best. We started to fight about it. He either blamed my attitude or attacked me as an insecure person who didn’t know real intimacy.
He waited until the year mark to tell me he has a medical condition that makes it hard for him to perform. Of course, I was upset because he waited so long but as someone who also has a medical condition I expected him to be receptive to go see someone about it. Instead he refused, telling me he had gone with his ex and would not be going again. In the meantime he refused to do foreplay or oral because according to him, he would get nothing out of that. He did buy me a toy but it just wasn’t enough. At the same time he was sexting and sending “old” stroke videos and dick pics to other females while I’m sitting here looking like Boo Boo the Fool waiting for him.
It’s not like we had other forms of intimacy like genuine time together or a foundation of friendship to keep us in love. And he didn’t respond well to my efforts to bring us closer in those ways so we broke up about 2 years in. He still lived with me but moved into the living room. While broken up I slept with someone else when he was out of town for his birthday. I didn’t hide it. When he came back I told him exactly what happened and he seemed fine about it until we got back together a couple of months later. It took him another WHOLE year to tell me exactly what his medical condition is while still refusing to fix it. Now 2 more years later nothing has really changed except that I’m depressed and as uninterested in him as he seems to be in me. He still lives in my living room, we had sex maybe once in these couple of years and it was brief and unsatisfying.
Did I do the right thing or did I ruin it by having that brief fling? Can this even be salvaged or should I start planning my escape?
Sincerely,
Frustrated & Unfulfilled
Dear Ms. Frustrated and Unfulfilled,
Let me first say, you are a better woman than me. There’s no way in hell his behind would have slept head to pillow another night in my house after finding out he sent “videos” to other women while I’m home horny and frustrated. Sir would have found all his sh– in the street. I swear if men don’t have anything else, they have the audacity. To be completely honest, I don’t understand why you even got back with him. You already knew what you had—a man whose penis doesn’t work and who’s not trying to fix it. It would have been an open and shut case for me. I don’t know what his medical condition is nor is that important, but what I do know is his lack of concern for your needs is a huge red flag. Sex does not have to only be penetrative, outercourse is a real and pleasurable thing. However no matter the kind of “sex” you decide to engage in, it all requires two willing participants.
Also, if he’s mad you had sex with someone else when you guys were broken up, that’s a personal problem. He needs to work out those issues with his therapist. He’s insecure about his performance problems—which is understandable and he’s probably jealous that someone else was about to provide the pleasure he couldn’t. All of these are real legitimate issues that he needs to seek help for instead of ignoring the problem. Great sex is the result of open communication and that involves two people. If he’s unwilling to work together to figure out a pleasurable solution that satisfies both of you, then he needs to go. You’re miserable and depressed. He seems to not care. What exactly are you staying for? Give him a 30-day notice and send him on his way.
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
