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Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal to finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Fillth” has an answer.

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Dear Ashley,

Right before Covid, in January, I met a girl through a mutual friend at a party. We found out that we were both Harry Potter nerds and talked about that all night. Eventually, she started telling me how she’s not happy in her relationship.

She and her boyfriend sleep in different bedrooms and rarely have sex. He’s studying to become an air traffic controller and spends every second studying for that. He even skipped doing anything for her birthday.

Everything was platonic that night, we exchanged IGs. For a couple of months, we just sent each other Harry Potter memes, etc. Then one day she sent a sexual meme. That led to another. She eventually told me she wants to have sex, and has been hinting that she wants to come over to my place. (I live alone). Part of me wants to invite her over because I want to have sex too; but on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn’t because she’s in a relationship, even if things aren’t going well. What do you think I should do?


Dear Harry Potter Nerd,

If you feel conflicted about her being in a relationship then that’s your answer. You shouldn’t  pursue a sexual relationship with her. This reminds me of a similar situation I found myself in not too long ago.

Girl meets Guy. Guy is great. However, guy is in a unhappy relationship. Guy’s girlfriend lives overseas. Guy is looking for companionship to fill the void that his long-distance-relationship cannot provide. Girl starts sleeping with guy. Girl develops feelings for Guy. Guy never leaves girlfriend. Girl left. The end. 

Even though I knew what I was getting myself into, it still didn’t hurt any less when I realized that I was wasting my time. He was never going to leave his girlfriend, I was just a temporary fix for him. This situation sounds very similar to mine. She’s just using you to fill a void. Are you okay with being used?  You seem like a really nice guy and even though men are better at compartmentalizing sex than women, I don’t recommend it. This situations feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

Speaking from personal experience, you have to navigate entanglements carefully. They are very slippery slopes. I strongly doubt she will ever leave her boyfriend. He should leave her, though. But that’s another topic. Even if she does leave, it won’t be anytime soon.  Once the boyfriend finishes school and can devote more time to her and her needs, you won’t be needed anymore. Are you okay with this being a temporary fling?  If not, go with your first mind because that’s usually the right decision. I wished I had went with my first mind, because I knew from jump that being just a quick fix wasn’t what I wanted.  You deserve to be with someone who is not invested in someone else, even if it is only a sexual relationship. Being a part time lover isn’t worth the investment.

Your Favorite Friend In Filth,

Ashley Cobb

Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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