Ever since Jeannie Mai stated with strong conviction that she planned to submit to fiance Jeezy once they get married, people have been debating their stances on whether or not they’re for submission, and if there is a modern-day version that everyone can get with.
The ladies of Cocktails With Queens discussed the matter on Monday, and all had interesting opinions. LisaRaye said she wants to be able to lead in her professional life but come home and be led. Vivica A. Fox said she was struggling with the idea of submission and instead, was for just being “a good partner.” Syleena Johnson for her part, went with the Biblical idea, saying she was for submitting to God and what He had in mind for the role of husband and wife for the betterment of the marriage.
I could appreciate all of that. But I was made to think most about what Claudia Jordan had to say on the matter. She made the point that in the right relationship with the right man, women can feel safe in trusting that if they relinquish some control (and vice versa), their “help mate” won’t have them out here looking “crazy.” But if you’ve proved you can’t be trusted, expected some pushback.
“You know what that tells me about their relationship? She has a man that she feels she can trust to lead her also,” Jordan said of Mai’s relationship with Jeezy. “A lot of times these men don’t have sh-t going on and they’re like, ‘I wanna be the man.’ Guess what honey, we want you to be the man, too. If you have a woman that’s constantly pushing back and doesn’t trust your judgment and is questioning you, she probably doesn’t all the way respect you because of some of the things she may have seen.”
Jordan also acknowledged that some women just aren’t into submission because they have the attitude that someone else is trying to take over and they don’t want that. But she believes that when you are in a loving, trusting relationship, submitting to one another isn’t hard or complicated in the way people have been debating.
“If a woman feels safe with a man, they trust their judgment to not have them looking crazy and to take care of us and protect us,” she said.
“I totally trust my man. He’s smart. If he don’t know something, he’s gonna research it. He ain’t gonna have me out here looking stupid,” she continued. “I am older than him by three years. I could be poppin’ off and all that, but I don’t want a man that I have to challenge and compete with. So I don’t look at it so much as a submission. I love traditional roles where you can be the protector and I’ll do some of the traditional roles. But he’s not above me in any way. We are still partners. But I also think the man has to earn that respect of his lady and we have to loosen the reins.”
“And when people say Black women are afraid to do that — no,” she added. “A lot of times it’s a lack of those examples so a lot of times we do pop off because we probably don’t respect you.”
Interesting point indeed. I would state though, that even when you love and respect your partner, sometimes they don’t always make decisions that are in the best interests of the both of you. When that happens, that can create a situation where both parties may bump heads, which some might see as a power struggle. However, that creates the opportunity to work together to make a choice that works for everyone. Compromising. That to me is the reality of submission in today’s world. It’s a give and take of allowing both parties to take the reins in different situations, as opposed to the man always believing he’s running things or the woman believing she won’t be “beneath” her partner. So if I could tweak Jordan’s stance, while somewhat agreeing, I would say the love and respect has to be there from both parties. A woman has to be able to trust her partner to know he will lead well. A man needs to respect his partner enough to be open to a different way of doing things in order to not always lead, but when he does, to lead in way that considers more than just what he prefers. When those right ingredients are there, both man and woman can confidently lead, and also know when to release control.