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Maxine provided many of the laughs on “Living Single.” But if you’ve paid attention to the show, you also know that she offered a lot of wisdom for women in nineties until today. There was an observation she shared about men in one of the earlier seasons that I won’t forget anytime soon.
She said, “Girl, that’s what we’re here for. To cultivate them. You see, a good man is like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, our jobs is to stomp em and then keep em in the dark until they mature into something we wouldn’t mind having dinner with.”
It’s a sad truth really, so much of the work in developing men falls on women. And while we can argue that the contributions aren’t often reciprocal, it’s the nature of relationships. You spend enough time with another human being, they’ll teach you something about yourself and hopefully make you grow in one way or another. It happens in relationships that end with a happily ever after and the ones that end in heartache.
When romantic relationships end, the bonds are so strong that people find it easiest to simply cut all ties and move on, often not speaking to one another for years or ever again.
Other times, the two parties find that they can be at least cordial again. In this renewed conversation, both parties might have had time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship, now that your emotions don’t play such a large role in your interpretation of the whole thing. And what you might be left with, is gratitude.
I thought about this because I saw a text message, a man sent to his ex-girlfriend, shortly before his wedding.
First of all, this man is messy as hell. Sending this type of message the night before your wedding is inappropriate. I get you could be reflecting on your life, thinking about the people who helped you get you to this place in your life. But even insinuating that you’re thinking about exes the night before your wedding is not the best look for you the groom or your future wife. And there’s a good chance that this particular man was having cold feet or was trying to smash one last time before he walks down the aisle…even he’s even getting married. But the act of thanking an ex for your growth is not that uncommon. Especially when it comes to men thanking women.
Building men up is something women do, for better or worse. The worse in all of this is that while a woman helps a man grow and become a better person, often times she may find that the relationship leaves her depleted. And finding yourself empty when you’ve filled a man up, can make you resentful. Hopefully, that resentment doesn’t last forever. Perhaps after it’s faded, you’d like to know that at the end of the relationship, someone was made better because of you. Maybe that would make you feel like the relationship served some greater purpose.
But there’s also the chance that texts like this can make you bitter about the fact that another woman gets to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Personally, I’m of the mind that if any of us get to enjoy a romantic relationship with a man, we have another woman to thank for it. Whether it’s his mother, his sisters, aunties, girl cousins, teachers or former girlfriends there’s a woman that poured enough into him to make him a catch for another woman.
But if you’re a former girlfriend, do you want to be thanked for your positive contribution or is it better to just make a clean break and move on?
