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Let’s cut to the chase here–modern dating sucks. But one thing that makes it at least a little more predictable is the fact that we now have the language to describe all the sh*tty things do in relationships.
This latest trend, “cookie jarring,” is particularly misleading, because you may think someone is into you, while you’re actually just plan B.
“‘Cookie jarring’ happens when an individual pursues a relationship to have as a back-up plan or security blanket — with no real intention of a long-term relationship,” Catalina Lawsin, PhD, a licensed psychologist practicing in New York and Illinois told NBC. “These individuals are typically already dating someone who they are pursuing a long-term relationship with, or are at the beginning of a promising relationship.”
The act of cookie jarring is unfortunate for the doer and the receiver. If you are someone who “cookie jars” others, you probably have deep fears of being alone.
“It keeps you (the cookie jarrer) feeling dependent on having someone, anyone in your life — which is not the healthiest way to start a relationship,”Theresa Herring, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Chicago told NBC.
“Plus, it could blow up in your face if the person you’re actually interested in finds out. And it prevents the person you’ve cookie jarred from meeting someone who actually likes them enough to date them.”
More often than not, the cookie jarrer has unresolved issues that leads them to trap people in their orbit, just so they have a fall back option.
“These past experiences all can shape a person’s beliefs about oneself, such as a belief that ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m not worthy’ that create insecurities about what a person brings to a relationship,” Darcie Czajkowski, a psychotherapist practicing in California told NBC.
“This, in turn, leads to a fear of being ‘found out,’ which might explain why the cookie jarrer keeps a backup. It mitigates feelings of ‘I’m not good enough’ to know that you have options, as well as allowing the person to avoid addressing feelings of ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m not worthy.'”
